Replies to 'How Childhood Abuse Still Affects Me'
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November 4, 2005, 9:26 am PST
 Quote From: softball Hello....I am nervous to write this, because once it is out, its out, no turing back. Well, I was just wondering if there was anyone out there that I could relate with, and well, as I have read, there is. You see, my situation is I have nobody to talk to, so I am turing to this, hoping there is somebody who knows what I am going through. Without sounding like I am feeling sorry for myself, I do not know what to do...I am 29 years old, and have been married about 10 years now. When I was about 9 my brother raped me, I cannot believe I am writing this down; and from when I can remember my dad was physically and mentally abusive to me, while my mom did nothing. First off, nobody knows about my situation with my brother to this day, I am too afraid to say anything. My dad and I are good since I am married, the last time he put his hands on me was right before I got married at age 19. I have never gotten help with my abuse, except one time, and the Dr. told me in not so many words it was my fault....and have not searched for help since. My question is.....my husband has a lot of traits that my father and brother have, like their anger and controll issue, but do not get me wrong I love my husband he saved my life. My issue is everytime I see a situation get ugly I become the victim all over again, and I take it out on my husband and it is ruining my marriage. Not only did my abuse ruin my childhood, it is now ruining my adulthood. My husband was also abused, and has issues of his own. We fight because we do not want to get hurt. How do we get over this? Please, if anyone is, or has gone through this, can you help me? Thank you so much. Just a short message to you...
Why have you never told anybody about your brother's abuse? You poor thing.... I hope you're not still feeling shame because of what happened. You did nothing wrong. The next time you see a nine year old little girl, look at her and imagine what had happened to you was happening to her now. Please take some of the compassion I believe you'd feel for her, and have it for yourself.
I wish you the very best of everything........ you deserve it.
Bettystown |
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October 17, 2007, 4:43 pm PDT
Quote From: softball Hello....I am nervous to write this, because once it is out, its out, no turing back. Well, I was just wondering if there was anyone out there that I could relate with, and well, as I have read, there is. You see, my situation is I have nobody to talk to, so I am turing to this, hoping there is somebody who knows what I am going through. Without sounding like I am feeling sorry for myself, I do not know what to do...I am 29 years old, and have been married about 10 years now. When I was about 9 my brother raped me, I cannot believe I am writing this down; and from when I can remember my dad was physically and mentally abusive to me, while my mom did nothing. First off, nobody knows about my situation with my brother to this day, I am too afraid to say anything. My dad and I are good since I am married, the last time he put his hands on me was right before I got married at age 19. I have never gotten help with my abuse, except one time, and the Dr. told me in not so many words it was my fault....and have not searched for help since. My question is.....my husband has a lot of traits that my father and brother have, like their anger and controll issue, but do not get me wrong I love my husband he saved my life. My issue is everytime I see a situation get ugly I become the victim all over again, and I take it out on my husband and it is ruining my marriage. Not only did my abuse ruin my childhood, it is now ruining my adulthood. My husband was also abused, and has issues of his own. We fight because we do not want to get hurt. How do we get over this? Please, if anyone is, or has gone through this, can you help me? Thank you so much. You say you found someone that has the same traits like your Dad and brother,, because that was comfortable,, what you are used to.... The Dr was way in the wrong to led you to think that it was your fault,,, but did you ask to be sure that was what was being said??? Sometimes we feel all we do is the wrong thing, and you could take it as a blessing that it just wasnt the right person for you to be healing with,,, everyone is just a human being. so if your husband is being like them, anger and controling,, you say you become the victim, and take it out on your husband,, if he is being controling then yea your gonna lash out, because you couldnt when you were little,, and it sounds like you dont want to be controled, but then no adult needs to be controled,, and or you with him. Habits are the hardest to break. people know when a fight is ready to break out , If the two of you really dont want to hurt each other then DONT take a time out, WE"RE adults and can be in control of our pain and lashing out ,, It is hard because we not used to it,, But with ALL things practice makes perfect,, Its not giving in or being the meaner or toughter,, its being the softer, giver, healing,, turn everything off and soften the house up light a candle or just a lamp, if you have a water fountain, take time to hear it, then both of you write down what your fear is at the moment,, If you truly want to heal be honest with your writing, give it to each other like it was a flower. Life is just so short for added more pain into your lives,, be kind with the rest of your life. It does take work to heal ,, But so does anything that we want we have to work for it,, so why not our love and growing??? (( I'm 54 and I have been the strong one and take NO lip from no man or anything else, I would put him down real quick physically, and I know it takes along time to be soft, I still have to catch myself and look at him and see that he is not the one that hurt me It may sound silly but I bought me a cloth hankerchift and think of the days when men were men and woman were woman,, If I feel a rage coming on then I get it out and l think a minute, its my time out. Tho the man I am with now is a blessing he is so calm and understanding,, he is a very tender person, I am not I hide my softness, fear I will lose control and not feel in charge,, But I dont have to be its ok BUT it is work I am 54 and its a old habit of pretection, I was 13 and was taught to fight and kill with one finger or I got beat harder,, so I dont fight, I have never fit a woman but I have lots of men, I will stop and jump in when any one is getting hurt,, I have no fear,, I will save the tender one, People can be saved but we have to do it our self,, NO ONE else saves, we have to do it our selves,, because no one knows what time holds for us and when and how long we will be on this earth,, So let the rest of your lives be in peace,, RETRAIN the BRAIN, I am not comfortable feeling happiness yet, but I am sure going to give it my all,, and the feeling is soooo new that it is scarey. but it sure feels good. I am still in counceling, so it is a work out. BUT CAN DO... LOVE AND BE KIND TO YOUR SELVES. Above all if their are children,,, this is not what you all want for them,, They cant get away from it,, You will be doing the same harm to them that we lived.............................Love them be strong for T HEM. GIVE A FLOWER,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, |
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January 4, 2008, 7:33 pm PST
Quote From: softball Hello....I am nervous to write this, because once it is out, its out, no turing back. Well, I was just wondering if there was anyone out there that I could relate with, and well, as I have read, there is. You see, my situation is I have nobody to talk to, so I am turing to this, hoping there is somebody who knows what I am going through. Without sounding like I am feeling sorry for myself, I do not know what to do...I am 29 years old, and have been married about 10 years now. When I was about 9 my brother raped me, I cannot believe I am writing this down; and from when I can remember my dad was physically and mentally abusive to me, while my mom did nothing. First off, nobody knows about my situation with my brother to this day, I am too afraid to say anything. My dad and I are good since I am married, the last time he put his hands on me was right before I got married at age 19. I have never gotten help with my abuse, except one time, and the Dr. told me in not so many words it was my fault....and have not searched for help since. My question is.....my husband has a lot of traits that my father and brother have, like their anger and controll issue, but do not get me wrong I love my husband he saved my life. My issue is everytime I see a situation get ugly I become the victim all over again, and I take it out on my husband and it is ruining my marriage. Not only did my abuse ruin my childhood, it is now ruining my adulthood. My husband was also abused, and has issues of his own. We fight because we do not want to get hurt. How do we get over this? Please, if anyone is, or has gone through this, can you help me? Thank you so much. I was trying to read the bulletin board out of curiousity. Because I'm a cynic by nature, I think people tend to exaggerate or lie to get attention (mostly because that's what I did). It's very hard to tell the truth.
I didn't tell the truth until I after I was hospitalized. It took me almost losing my job - this is after losing my friends, my family and my home. I had no one to turn to. So I decided to dance with a mixture of drugs and alcohol. ... Not that I'm an alcoholic. I was committing suicide, because I had lied for so long, that I didn't even recognize myself. If no one else cared about me, why should I? Right?
But I wanted to say, "KUDOS". I mean, I didn't even start looking into relationships until just last year. You know, dating? And I'm 34; there you are, MARRIED. And you're 29.
My dad loved porn. He wasn't private about it. My brother practised on me until I was about 15. Had no clue it was wrong. It just was. I know I didn't like it. But he was my older brother, so ...
My dad was very violent when he was home. And loud. And negative. And abusive. And arrogant. But he was also depressed. He was raised by two alcoholics and didn't know how to behave any other way. All he knew is that he never wanted to drink. That, to him, was doing the right thing.
And he'll swear to this day that we deserved every whipping we got. Even my mother deserved getting her beatings. He says "She deserved it". He calls her 'crazy'. I figure I'm also crazy. Which is true.When I left the hospital, I had a mental diagnosis on me a mile long. I wanted to look into 'mental illness' here just to see what I can learn, but I don't know where to begin!!! It took me about 6 months to exaggerate every diagnosis they gave me before settling for 'okay, at least i'm alive'. Those six moths, I spent going around dramatizing to everyone that I had some incurable mental illness that would keep me lazy for the rest of my life. Now I just take my medication as prescribed.
The last test they gave me, I no longer had the 'borderline personality disorder'. I knew this was true, because I wasn't disappointed. Took two years of visits with a psychologist, and ongoing visits with a psychiatrist, but I'm getting there ---
--- anyway, my problem is 'lazyness'. Do you get lazy?
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