Replies to 'How Childhood Abuse Still Affects Me'

Just a short message to you... 

Why have you never told anybody about your brother's abuse?  You poor thing.... I hope you're not still feeling shame because of what happened.   You did nothing wrong.  The next time you see a nine year old little girl, look at her and imagine what had happened to you was happening to her now.  Please take some of  the compassion I believe you'd feel for her, and have it for yourself. 

I wish you the very best of everything........ you deserve it. 

Bettystown 

     You say you found someone that has the same traits like your Dad and brother,, because that was comfortable,, what you are used to.... 

      The Dr was way in the wrong to led you to think that it was your fault,,, but did you ask to be sure that was what was being said???   Sometimes we feel all we do is the wrong thing,    and you could take it as a blessing that it just wasnt  the right  person for you to be healing with,,, everyone is just a human being.

      so if your husband is being like them, anger and controling,, you say you become the victim, and take it out on your husband,,                            if he is being controling then yea your gonna lash out, because you couldnt when you were little,, and it sounds like you dont want to be controled,  but then no adult needs to be controled,, and or you with him.    Habits are the hardest to break.   

      people know when a fight is ready to break out ,  If the two of you really dont want to hurt each other  then DONT  take a time out,   WE"RE adults and can be in control of our pain and lashing out ,,  It is hard because we not used to it,, But with ALL things practice makes perfect,, Its not giving in or being the meaner or toughter,, its being the softer, giver, healing,,   turn everything off  and soften the house up light a candle or just a lamp,  if you have a water  fountain, take time to hear it, then  both of you write down what your fear is at the moment,,     If you truly want to heal  be honest with your writing,  give it to each other like it was a flower.      Life is just so short for added more  pain into your lives,,  be kind with the rest of your life.  It does take work to heal ,, But so does anything that we want we have to work for it,, so why not our love and growing???                                                                                                                                                        (( I'm 54 and I have been the strong one and take NO lip from no man or anything else, I would put him down real quick physically,  and I know it takes along time to be soft, I still have to catch myself and look at him and see that he is not the one that hurt me    It may sound silly but I bought me a cloth hankerchift and think of the days when men were men and woman were woman,, If I feel a rage coming on then I get it out and l think a minute, its my time out.                    Tho the man I am with now is a blessing he is so calm and understanding,, he is a very tender person, I am not I hide my softness, fear I will lose control and not feel in charge,, But I dont have to be its ok   BUT it is work I am 54 and its a old habit of pretection,   I was 13 and was taught to fight and kill with one finger or I got beat harder,, so I dont fight, I have never fit a woman but I have lots of men, I will stop and jump in when any one is getting hurt,, I have no fear,, I will save the tender one,    People can be saved but we have to do it our self,, NO ONE else saves, we have to do it our selves,, because no one knows what time holds for us  and when and how long we will be on this earth,,  So let the rest of your lives be in peace,,   RETRAIN the BRAIN,

      I am not comfortable feeling happiness yet, but I am sure going to give it my all,, and the feeling is soooo new that it is scarey.  but it sure feels good. I am still in counceling, so it is a work out. BUT CAN DO...  LOVE AND BE KIND TO YOUR SELVES.

Above all if their are children,,,  this is not what you all want for them,,  They cant get away from it,, You will be doing the same harm to them that we lived.............................Love them be strong for T HEM.

GIVE A FLOWER,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

I was trying to read the bulletin board out of curiousity. Because I'm a cynic by nature, I think people tend to exaggerate or lie to get attention (mostly because that's what I did). It's very hard to tell the truth.

I didn't tell the truth until I after I was hospitalized. It took me almost losing my job - this is after losing my friends, my family and my home. I had no one to turn to. So I decided to dance with a mixture of drugs and alcohol. ... Not that I'm an alcoholic. I was committing suicide, because I had lied for so long, that I didn't even recognize myself. If no one else cared about me, why should I? Right?

But I wanted to say, "KUDOS". I mean, I didn't even start looking into relationships until just last year. You know, dating? And I'm 34; there you are, MARRIED. And you're 29.

My dad loved porn. He wasn't private about it. My brother practised on me until I was about 15. Had no clue it was wrong. It just was. I know I didn't like it. But he was my older brother, so ...

My dad was very violent when he was home. And loud. And negative. And abusive. And arrogant. But he was also depressed. He was raised by two alcoholics and didn't know how to behave any other way. All he knew is that he never wanted to drink. That, to him, was doing the right thing.

And he'll swear to this day that we deserved every whipping we got. Even my mother deserved getting her beatings. He says "She deserved it". He calls her 'crazy'. I figure I'm also crazy. Which is true.When I left the hospital, I had a mental diagnosis on me a mile long. I wanted to look into 'mental illness' here just to see what I can learn, but I don't know where to begin!!! It took me about 6 months to exaggerate every diagnosis they gave me before settling for 'okay, at least i'm alive'. Those six moths, I spent going around dramatizing to everyone that I had some incurable mental illness that would keep me lazy for the rest of my life. Now I just take my medication as prescribed.

The last test they gave me, I no longer had the 'borderline personality disorder'. I knew this was true, because I wasn't disappointed. Took two years of visits with a psychologist, and ongoing visits with a psychiatrist, but I'm getting there ---

--- anyway, my problem is 'lazyness'. Do you get lazy?

I can't believe that when I finally decide to find a way to release some of my angst about my abuse that I find someone whose story is so similar to mine. I just turned 30 and my husband and I recently celebrated our 10th anniversary. As a Christian, I have tried very hard to forgive and leave the past behind me. It's difficult when we're going to church and I'm crying and having a furious argument in my head and my husband notices and asks what is wrong. My typical response is that "my demons are trying to come with me to church". Circumstances lately have been bringing it to the surface. I've been very depressed, distressed, fighting with myself, hating myself so much. I have never told anyone. I have never discussed it, hinted at it, blogged about it. I've spent most of my life lying about it to everyone. The closest thing that has ever come to the truth is when a very discerning friend asked me if I had been abused as a child and I said yes, that I had been abused by a neighbor. My husband thinks that my standoffish-ness is because of physical abuse and my dad's alcoholism. My older brother molested me when I was a child. I can't put an age to it. Maybe 7 or 8. Some memories I have of it are very vivid. But I can't go deep enough to remember how far it went. I have these images of him sharing me with his friends. I don't know if it's real or imagined. I do know that one of these men is a salesman whose picture was on a billboard about a year ago. When I passed it, it made my stomach twist up in knots. I do remember my brother telling me back then not to tell or they would send him away. My mother found my bloody panties and confronted him and said that if he ever did anything like that again she would send him away. It never happened again, but it still wrecked me. I didn't date in high school. Then in the year after I graduated I had four sexual partners. I was and have been fighting with being obsessed with anything related to sex. Mainly pornography. I've been trying to get past it. It's something really sick that's shaped me because of my abuse.

I met my husband during my tail-spin during college and he turned my life around. We went to church together. He treated me like I was precious and special. He didn't drink, which was a big thing for me. My father is an alcoholic who beat my mother when I was a child. I really believe that my husband saved my life. And he doesn't even know it. He knows that something is wrong. It has really been getting to me lately. Maybe because our oldest daughter just turned 9. I can't tell him. I can't risk him hating me. What kind of person is molested by her brother and then as an adult attends family functions and plays nice? I realize that to other people this sounds ridiculous, but for me, I just can't take the chance. I've hated myself for so long that the idea that it wouldn't play out like that is impossible for me. The fact that God loves ME is just so hard for me to comprehend, since He knows all of it..

Maybe releasing some of this will help me. And maybe knowing that this situation is not one that only you have suffered will help you. I never imagined that someone would have gone through something that is so similar to what I went through. I will pray for you and for me that God would give us both ease and comfort through this situation.