Replies to '08/25 Extreme Food Obsessions'

Quote From: ticklebug

I have to commend you on how perceptive you are regarding the complexity of others and their emotions/feelings. It only takes someone who's been there "to know". By my own experience with my family, I also have to chime in and say that when you're told, "you look better" when you're still feeling like crappola is anything but supportive.

Ya'll, please don't jump all over me for saying this as this is a personal experience for me and what I've gone through with my mother. The words "you look better" was only used to make me feel as if there was/is nothing wrong with me. It's a way to try and change the perspective of the person who is suffering. These, in my opinion, are not genuine words. If you want to say these things and "sound genuine", they can be said as such: "Ya know, I understand that you still aren't feeling better. I know that you are still sick. I know that you still have a long way to go, but if you don't mind my saying this, I think you are looking better today". Or when in doubt, it's best to not say anything and spend time with your kids doing activities together, offering hugs, and seeing if there's anything they need.

When a person who is continuously suffering from any illness, they need validation and understanding from those who love them the most. That is seen as support. At least for me, that is more theraputic. But everyone's different. This is just MY experience.

When someone already has issues with rejection (that I believe is baggage from their past), the last thing they need is someone to deny or invalidate what they are going through.

I can understand the parents in that no parent wants to see their child dying before their eyes. I also understand that denial is part of the coping process because parents love their children. They don't always know what to say under these circumstances. But, in my opinion, words can be deadly. We need to communicate to our loved ones what we need to hear to get better. I have tried this with my mother and she refuses to listen. But what I do know is that I have tried. I have done my best, and my mother has every right to her own opinions. Because of my obsession with suicide, I have had to cut off most contact with my mother until I get better. I also have to be careful because my brother died at 37. My mom didn't know what to say to him either and, in fact, taunted him to the point of despair.

If you don't know what's appropriate to say, ask your kids. And kids, if you don't like what you're being told, communicate your feelings.

Humans are not 1 dimentional simple creatures. Everyone is unique and has unique needs. They need to be communicated if you want the relationship to be successful. Once the relationship is successful, the road to healing will be A LOT smoother!

And another thing, you cannot hide behind the, "Do it yourself and stop blaming others" mantra to say and do anything you like. That does not fly.

I am doing a lot better now and have taken the necessary steps to do that. It takes therapy and a lot of "trial and error" to get there, but it works!