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Replies to 'How Childhood Abuse Still Affects Me'
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August 28, 2006, 10:17 am PDT
 Quote From: darlynn82 I am a 24 year old woman whose suffered through physical, sexual, and emotional abuse at the hands of my older brother and father. I really didn't have any where to turn to at the time because my mom was in a deep depression and I didn't want to burden her with my problems. Over time, I learned to bury my feelings but to this day, carry a deep resentment and anger primarily towards my father. My brother did come to me one day years afterwards and apologized. He was easy to forgive because he was so remorseful. Today we have a wonderful relationship and are very supportive. Unfortuenately, my father is the type who doesn't believe he's ever done wrong. He emotionally abused me primarily and only touched me twice, relatively minor in comparison to my brother's transgressions. But there are occasions when he still looks at me and I suddenly feel very uncomfortable. It scares me and brings back horrible memories of the past. In the last year or so, I have begun to come to terms with my past, through the books Life Strategies and Self Matters. But forgiveness to my father just will not come. I know I have to forgive him to set myself free but because he behaves as if he's done no wrong, its so hard to forgive him. He simply does not deserve it. Does anyone have any helpful hints as to how they've moved past their anger to find forgiveness? I've written this on a message board before but I don't remember where.
I have no idea why people want to hurt innocent young children. I'm not even sure if they know of the lifetime impact that they have on these children. I believe that these children form lifelong beliefs of themselves and of others that may stem from just one event, let alone several.
The anger that you hold is only hurting yourself. Those abusers (emotional, physical, sexual) do not feel one iota of your disgust, shame and anger. Be pissed all you want, you're still the only one that feels it. It's not about getting the abuser to admit their wrongdoings or to apologize. You already know that the truth. Forgiveness is not to let them off the hook. It's the letting go of the energy that has been created within you, for the purpose of taking your pain away.
AFTER READING THIS, stand and close your eyes for a meditation. Picture yourself in a park or somewhere else that you feel is tranquill and safe. Hold your arms down to your sides and visualize a bucket in each hand. The disgust, anger, and shame are poison in your body. Starting with your toes and working your way up, visualize the bad feelings flowing up through your body. Check everywhere that may have been abused. Check your feet, ankles, calves, knees, thighs, genitals, buttocks, anus, abdomen, back, breasts, neck, eyes and ears (seeing and hearing), mouth, head, arms, hands, wherever. Let it all flow up and out your fingertips into the buckets. Do a double check to make sure that you got it all. Take your time.
When the buckets are full and your body is empty of the bad feelings, visualize your abuser off in the distance sitting on a park bench. Walk up to him/her. Hold your hands out and give the buckets to your abuser. Tell him, "Here, these belong to you. They do not belong to me. Give them back to whoever gave them to you so they may pass it back to whoever gave it to them."
Turn and walk away and know that you are now safe from your abuser. Feel how much lighter and more confident your body and spirit feel. Acknowledge your courage. Hold your "inner child" in your arms and let her know that you will protect her and will never let these things happen to her again.
I originally made the mistake of trying to visualizing all of my abusers at once (molested by 5 diferent men and my adopted father was physically abusive) but was getting too confused. I had to do the visualization for each one. Letting go takes practice and time. Be patient and gentle with yourself. It's been 13 years since the first time I did this exercise and I still do them on occasion when I feel the shame and anger creeping back in and I feel that it is affecting my relationships (I have difficulty trusting men in authority...go figure).
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