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Replies to 'Infertility'
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September 8, 2005, 1:15 am PDT
 Quote From: connerbjc I have all these thoughts and dreams on how to build our lives and family. I feel he just sits back and takes it stride. I hate to report but things aren't getting any better. I love him and can't imagine life without him. We fight all the time. My resentment has grown worse. He believes that if you keep bringing things up your holding grudges. I believe you need to settle things or they'll always be there.
I went to church for the first time in a long time. I want a change. My faith is almost gone. I have almost let this destroy me. These feelings are so strong for a child. What doesn't make a lot of sense is, I have 4 sisters all have children and had no trouble conceiving. My husband has 1 brother who has been able to get his girlfriend pregnant 5 times. They only have 2 children 3 were miscarriages. She's a diabetic and it's been very dangerous for her. As a matter of fact the their second one was just born 1 week ago. She ask me to sit in, she had a c- section. I don't know if I should have. Although I handle it better than I thought I would. It was so beautiful to watch a life be brought into this world, and it's amazing just how much you can love them without knowing them. I want a child so bad. I do want to thank you for responding. It's nice to know someone some what understands. You don't go 7 years without resolving something. Did I mention I'll be 30 in a short while. I have done my research. And when a woman has never conceived by the age of 30 the risk are higher. From ovarian cancer to birth defects. I'm thinking that maybe after all this we'll never get on the same page. And my hopes and dreams having a family with this man will never happen. I feel those around me think I make it worse. But they don't know the hell I wake up to each and every day wondering if I'll ever have children. I am so sorry. I'm sorry, because I've been there and I feel like I should know the right words. I feel like I should have the answer that will help put your fears at ease. I'm not sure what the right words are. You aren't alone. I know they don't have a chapter in my area, but have you looked at resolve. I just think that it will help to talk to people who understand what you are feeling. Those emotions are so overpowering. I think you need someone in your life who will understand the pain you are feeling and the difficult situation you are in and unable to resolve in some way. That is the hardest part of infertility, the fact that it leaves some people unable to bring resolution to it and all those emotions that come with it. I can tell you, I know how wonderful it is to see a new baby, to watch a mother pick up a child to soothe them. I know all those feelings you get when you pick up a child and hold them. I also know from our standpoint the grief that comes almost as quick as the joy. I know what it's like to have to get away to hide tears that others might not understand. Those tears that betray your weakness of emotions. I know how hard it is. I also know how difficult it is to have to stand by while time marches on so quickly, to know that time is your enemy and the bastard is winning. I am soon-to-be 35 and it does prey on my mind. I know. I know how my heart breaks every time one of my terrificly fertile sister-in-laws tells me how much their children look like my husband. I know how to gracefully bow out of a room with a smile after my FIL asks when we are going to, just before I start bawling. It is so difficult to deal with those who are dismissive as if I can't wear red socks and those who tip-toe around it like I am not allowed to discuss children or anything mother or child related. It is incredibly difficult. Sometimes you want to cry, sometimes scream. What you really want is just to hold the fragile hand of a child and know this is someone who will be whole and bright because you love them. And yes, I know you are already in love with that mythical child, who is red-headed or has jet curls of ebony, who is fair or dark, girl or boy, who climbs trees or cries when they get dirty. I know how much of your heart is there already. I am sorry that I can't look you in the eye and tell you that I know your pain and feel it like it is my own. I hope for you, as I do for everyone like us, that your dreams will come true. It's my fondest hope that this will be something that the future changes for all. I know the children who are so wanted that may never be. The world is missing something wonderful. What could be more beautiful than the heart of a mother and a child who is loved. I hope your days will see alot of happiness to cover the blues you are feeling. My most humble regrets that I can't do more to ease your pain. Kim |
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