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Replies to 'Sex'
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September 8, 2006, 8:41 pm PDT
 Quote From: jettav I'm not a man but I will say that marriage is suppose to be 100% on both sides but stuff does happen and the two need to be supportive of one another. You married this man for better and for worse, in sickness and in health and chances are, with the losses he has experienced in a short period of time, it is probably affecting him emotionally so therefore his emotions are gonna get in the way of his true feelings including within his marriage. Remmeber men and women think differently and deal with things differently. My husband tends to go into his own little world when he is depressed/has a lot on his mind but snaps out of it pretty well, others might not be able to deal with issues as quickly in those cases, I would reccomend some good counseling, he needs to talk to some one and you need to be his support system. even if he chooses not to got o a counselor, you can still be there for him, maybe find something good to read, not sure what to reccomend, but maybe something on how to help a loved one grieve and maybe a relationship book, Dr. Phils, relationship rescue or even self matters might be a good one to read. Whatever the case, leaving him, having an affair,a nything negative like that isn't gonna help you or him. sure, it's a temporary fix for you but in the end, you are gonna regret it and then there will be more emotional issues and whatever else to drag right along sid eof this other stuff. I do feel that sex is imporant in a marriage and shouldn't be with held from one another but every ones situstions are different and the two has to find a way to communicate and get help with thier issues, even if he deosn't agree to any form of counseling, you can still get some to help you through this and to help you find ways of helping your husband.If you truly love this man as much as you say you do, then you need to be his support system and find a way to encourage him and in return, if he truly loves you, he will eventually come through it, he has a lot of emotions, I am sure to deal with. Sad that he is putting you through this as well but yet at the same time, he is probably so depressed and sad that he isn't thinking straight, don't let this come between you and your husband, I know, easier said then done but don't bail out because of his emotional state,, these tragedies just happened just over a year ago and that isn't very long ago, healing is a process, it doesn't happen over night and not only he is dealing with one loss, but three and to be perfectly honest, I am not so sure I could deal with it, I am still grieving over my best friend who died 3 years ago unexpectedly and beleive me, when I get to thinking about her, my emotions can get a little ahead of me, with out the love and support of my husband, I am not so sure I would be as far as I am with the healing process. He has only been going through this for a year and hopefully you can stick around and find a way to help him through it instead of adding more stress and with all this being said, only you know the real deep issues and only you can make the desccisin that needs to be made, just remember, running fron the sitaution isn't gonna help either one of you, just gonna make it worse. we were in counseling before these life altering events happened. the issues were about lack of 'intimacy' in our relationship. it is not a new issue but an issue i was way tired off. he comes from a family where his dad had extramarital affairs since day 1 of his 60 year marriage. he comes from a family where affection was not an expressed emotion. his dad was a real winner, no emotion and my husbands entire family orbited around his world. his mom, was the martyr. stayed with this man even though she knew about his extramarital affairs. she was a typical hispanic female who tolerated all her husband infidelities because of the culture of the time. as my marriage has progressed in years, i realize it's possible she turned to my husband as her 'partner' instead of a child. my concern is not entirely about the sexual non existence, but that he has serious issues with intimacy. he will not kiss me, hug me, etc etc. how am i at the age of 50, going to 'be supportive' in a marriage without the power of physical contact of any type??? i look at life for the day. i like to look at my day as a mission to accomplish. thinking about what happened yesterday is not going to help me live today. i have been supportive but i am beginning to feel quite neglected. a marriage needs two people to survive. a marriage of only one, does not work. i have asked him to return to therapy, i 'graduated'. our last therapist told me ' you are an emotionally healthy person'. i guess what i can't accept is that he wants to relive the coldness of his father and the pain of his mother all over again. i do not. problem is i see it, he doesn't. he has been a faithful partner throughout our marriage. but what makes you think that unless he reconnects with me, he will not fall into having an affair himself??? a man in mid life can be swayed in a heart beat by a prettier younger woman who is looking for a daddy to take care of her. as my therapist told me, i can stay in the marriage for 'financial security' and find other hobbies to take up my time. would you want to end your life in a marriage where you can eat all the chocolate you crave alone or in a marriage where you eat bread and water together?????????????? i pick bread. |
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