Message Boards
Replies to '09/13 Man Stealers'
|
September 12, 2006, 10:45 pm PDT
 Quote From: suzangm You won't stop thinking about it until it is resolved in your mind. The only way to do this....is to talk about what your thinking about. You will want to attack her, then yourself...and him, you will try to use reason and logic. But the truth is, there is no real way to get rid of it until you have done all the steps of a loss. Yes, you have experienced a loss. A loss of trust (which he will have to earn back) and a loss of respect. A fair amount of reality came crashing down on you that has no doubt left you with a ton of adrenalin, and if your like most...loss of sleep, and lack of appetite and worry..... The fight or flight response is normal, and you "can" get through this. Hopefully "with" your husband, and then on your own. You will have to realize at some point he is not perfect, and forgive him. But, you will never be the same again. This is the loss I am talking about. The loss of self. He needs to realize that he created these feelings inside of you, and he "has" to step up to the plate, and be responsible. No matter what you say... or what your feeling, he needs to know what was going on in his head and yours and share it with each other. This is the only way he will understand himself and you, and help you understand him. In the end if you both work at this, you gain a stronger bond than before... and it won't hurt for him to know he has weaknesses. He may blame the alcohol, but that is a cop out. Sorry.... He has to own it. Face it, and work at getting your trust back. You, need to really grip the chair on this one, listen and ask questions. When your all done, have him find the defining moment where "it went wrong" and why (is he getting older and needing attention?) He got a kick out of the attention for some reason. He needs to understand himself so he won't go there again. So, the answer is. You won't stop thinking about it until you fully understand what he was feeling, and why. Your trying to understand during this phase was it your fault, doesn't he love you? desire only you? Is his word any good, and why didn't he see his/your ring on his hand? Your probably thinking about the whole thing centering on "your existence" in his mind. Your place in his heart should have played a part in his mind. But, the truth is....out of sight out of mind, especially with alcohol and the approval of friends... yes, peer pressure. Right or wrong it exists in us adults. Your husband should be looking warily at them as well as his own self. And needs to make a choice of what kind of life he wants. And then make a firm stand within himself. If you chose to honor the stance you both seem to have taken, and that is....you already talked, and you don't want to bring it up again....then it will take you a very long time to get over it on your own, and a fair amount understanding it "wasn't your fault" and you didn't deserve it on any level. When your husband realizes that it has changed you, he needs to help you change back....and it's going to take work, and honesty and disclosure... if he is made a part of the healing process he will be less likely to repeat history.
Hope this helped :) Thank you for your advice...it does help. Because here, there is
no one to talk to. I had to write all my friends off because they were
keeping this secret from me and friends don't do that. So thank you for
telling me what I needed to hear. To answer some of your questions....it isn'tthat he is getting older, we are still considered young (he is 25 and I am 26). I think it is the fact he is getting better and better looking as he gets older. He works out alot and that goes to his apperance and draws womens eyes...Most of the time he ignores it, but this one time he didn't for some reason. I am actually a very attractive person and don't know why he would pick someone less attractive (seriously she is....I don't have a big head.). Our relationship in the bed room and out of the bed room was perfect. He says it wasn't me. But you can't help to think it is. His father used to be the same way....can it really be in the blood? Maybe peer pressure....His friend isn't exactly faithful to his wife. Trust me I have put a stop to that friendship. I, at this point, am just trying to narrow down the reasons and problems. We talk alot, but he never actually has given me a better reason other than it was the alcohol. So none of that anymore either. Maybe I will never know the reason.....but I am going to make this work. And he is more willing than I am. Hopefully that is a good start. I am going to have to work it out with myself and come to reasoning with myself that if I want this to work....I will deal with it and move on. But move on smarter and more alert to what can happen....and do everything in my power to try to prevent it. Here's to moving on...... |
|
Return to the Message Board
