Replies to 'Dating After 40'
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September 24, 2006, 10:22 pm PDT
 Quote From: lasd414 Hi, I am 49 years old. 17 months ago, I met a man online and have been dating him steadily ever sing. After we began seeing each other(which was only several weeks from initial contact/correspondence), he quickly advised me he was getting off the dating site and wanted me to do the same so that we could FOCUS on our relationship.
I was not aware that before he got off the site, he gave his phone number and email address to several different women. However about 6 months later, I came across some emails and phone bills which indicated he had remained friendly with several of the women and one particular woman he had spent 3 - 4 hours a week talking to. This continued for the first 4 months of our relationship and then stopped. Because it had stopped...I did not address that incident with him specifically .... However, I did make a point of telling him that corresponding IN ANY FORM with someone that was romantically interested in him was a HUGE NO NO to me and that I would consider it infidelity... emotional infidelity... regardless of whether he had physical contact with them. He thought I was making a big deal out of nothing and never admitted all the previous phone calls but said OK. I also told him that in the future, if he were to be contacted by anyone, he was to tell me immediately...he again said OK.
I also learned that he was still receiving phone calls and emails from a woman he lived with for 6 years... there are no children involved and so I find it ODD that they would continue to keep contact. I told him I was uncomfortable with this and again, he said I was over-reacting. The phone calls are short and she is always the one making them.... I don't know about emails... but still, he would not like it if I kept contact with someone from my past. Fast Forward one year and I am at his office and pick up a message from this same woman that he had spent so much time talking to you in the past. Two messages in fact. I confronted him and he stated that he did not tell me about the calls because he thought I did not know about her and if he told me I would be angry and secondly he admitted to being flattered as to the reason he called her back. He claimed this phone call from her was OUT OF THE BLUE and that he called her and left a message that he was still in the same serious relationship and happy but commented that it was good to hear from her so naturally she called again. The funny thing is... she called the office... he called her back from the office which tells me that he did so to prevent there being any record of the call on his cell phone. Secondly, in the messages she left, she asked him to give her a TIME that they could talk. I find that really strange. It makes me believe that he has been talking to her or emailing her all along... i.e. that it really never stopped.....and that the 'time' comment was because he was going to have to come back to his office to call her after work (he would simply claim that he had to go back and do some work in his lab).
He does NOT want to discuss this whole issue... he just wants to apologize and move on. Again he claims that she just called him OUT OF THE BLUE... which I find really hard to believe... that a woman would contact someone AFTER ONE YEAR if there was not something continually going on... at least some sort of contact. He would never have told me if I had not found the messages. I told him to send her an email and tell her NEVER to contact him again ... HE DID... but only after I gave him an ultimatum.
The more I think about it, the angrier I am becoming. He knows I can pick up his messages and/or look at his cell phone records... but I can't do so with his office email and/or phone... so I am beginning to think he is using those to keep contact with others. He has told me he won't do it again... but honestly... at this point, I really dont trust him. He was sexually abused as a child and I know that causes people to have issues with boundaries... and as an adult he has struggled with alcohol although he seems to have that under control.
He says he truly loves me and we really get along great in every aspect but this one. I am not really sure, at this point, what to do. I dont want to become hyper vigilant but now I don't trust him to be truthful to me.... I want someone who will be totally honest with me....TOTALLY. I have given my heart and soul to this man so I am really struggling with WHY he refuses to stop a behavior that is hurtful to me.
Again, this woman is NOT a friend. This is someone romantically interested in him. Please give me your thoughts....should I just end this relationship and move on??? Lela
Have had similar experience with last boyfriend. Knew he had bad past but at the wise old age of 45 still thought he might be ready to grow up. Long story short, we were friends for a couple of months. Ended up in bed almost by accident and the hormones flew - have you heard of oxytocin? Not oxycotin - had men that had been there too!!!
Anyway, after an extremely bitter, disappointing divorce I hadn't dated in five years. Had gained some weight, had been drinking previously, and getting over serious illness. Had lost weight, feeling much better, looking great when he came into my life. I emphasized that I had to have absolute honesty in a relationship. Also told him of all of my ex's misbehavior. When it was all said and done I felt like he was making mental notes like, she'll accept lying, drugs, stealing, etc., etc., etc.,
Between the hormones and the absolute hope that things might work out, I overlooked alot of conflicting stories, outright lies, and other seemingly small but telling hints - no absolute obvious facts that he wasn't a good honest guy I was looking for. Finally with the help of a few good friends, and wisdom from relationships past I was able to boot him. Our stories are somewhat different but the point I'm trying to get across is if your gut is telling you something, listen. Although it was hard to restart living single again, I'm much happier that I did. I've also found that making a few good friends has made all of the difference. Denise |
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June 6, 2007, 8:50 am PDT
Quote From: lasd414 Hi, I am 49 years old. 17 months ago, I met a man online and have been dating him steadily ever sing. After we began seeing each other(which was only several weeks from initial contact/correspondence), he quickly advised me he was getting off the dating site and wanted me to do the same so that we could FOCUS on our relationship.
I was not aware that before he got off the site, he gave his phone number and email address to several different women. However about 6 months later, I came across some emails and phone bills which indicated he had remained friendly with several of the women and one particular woman he had spent 3 - 4 hours a week talking to. This continued for the first 4 months of our relationship and then stopped. Because it had stopped...I did not address that incident with him specifically .... However, I did make a point of telling him that corresponding IN ANY FORM with someone that was romantically interested in him was a HUGE NO NO to me and that I would consider it infidelity... emotional infidelity... regardless of whether he had physical contact with them. He thought I was making a big deal out of nothing and never admitted all the previous phone calls but said OK. I also told him that in the future, if he were to be contacted by anyone, he was to tell me immediately...he again said OK.
I also learned that he was still receiving phone calls and emails from a woman he lived with for 6 years... there are no children involved and so I find it ODD that they would continue to keep contact. I told him I was uncomfortable with this and again, he said I was over-reacting. The phone calls are short and she is always the one making them.... I don't know about emails... but still, he would not like it if I kept contact with someone from my past. Fast Forward one year and I am at his office and pick up a message from this same woman that he had spent so much time talking to you in the past. Two messages in fact. I confronted him and he stated that he did not tell me about the calls because he thought I did not know about her and if he told me I would be angry and secondly he admitted to being flattered as to the reason he called her back. He claimed this phone call from her was OUT OF THE BLUE and that he called her and left a message that he was still in the same serious relationship and happy but commented that it was good to hear from her so naturally she called again. The funny thing is... she called the office... he called her back from the office which tells me that he did so to prevent there being any record of the call on his cell phone. Secondly, in the messages she left, she asked him to give her a TIME that they could talk. I find that really strange. It makes me believe that he has been talking to her or emailing her all along... i.e. that it really never stopped.....and that the 'time' comment was because he was going to have to come back to his office to call her after work (he would simply claim that he had to go back and do some work in his lab).
He does NOT want to discuss this whole issue... he just wants to apologize and move on. Again he claims that she just called him OUT OF THE BLUE... which I find really hard to believe... that a woman would contact someone AFTER ONE YEAR if there was not something continually going on... at least some sort of contact. He would never have told me if I had not found the messages. I told him to send her an email and tell her NEVER to contact him again ... HE DID... but only after I gave him an ultimatum.
The more I think about it, the angrier I am becoming. He knows I can pick up his messages and/or look at his cell phone records... but I can't do so with his office email and/or phone... so I am beginning to think he is using those to keep contact with others. He has told me he won't do it again... but honestly... at this point, I really dont trust him. He was sexually abused as a child and I know that causes people to have issues with boundaries... and as an adult he has struggled with alcohol although he seems to have that under control.
He says he truly loves me and we really get along great in every aspect but this one. I am not really sure, at this point, what to do. I dont want to become hyper vigilant but now I don't trust him to be truthful to me.... I want someone who will be totally honest with me....TOTALLY. I have given my heart and soul to this man so I am really struggling with WHY he refuses to stop a behavior that is hurtful to me.
Again, this woman is NOT a friend. This is someone romantically interested in him. Please give me your thoughts....should I just end this relationship and move on??? Lela
I think you've answered alot of your own questions. You've stated that you don't trust him, that you've found several e mails, phone calls off and on over time. Trust your intuition!! He does not sound honest. |
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