Replies to 'Reigniting Romance in Your Relationship'

I think that the time that people spend away from their spouse for anything other than work, kids or necessity, is time that should be spent for their partner.  I think that porn is OK, I am a guy though.  But porn is used for our pleasure at our house.  If your husband is looking at something else or for something else, then he is missing out on time that he should be using spending time with you.  You need to find the balance of his time to spend relaxing and venting to the time that you need him.  I hope you realize that porn is not the culprit, but that you have some communication isuues in your relationship. The time spend online is only a symptom of a real problem.  If he is acting like a child then her should not be upset when he is called one.  If there is a problem that needs to get resolved, the problem will not go away until you are both willing to deal with it like adults.  What ever the main issue is, figure it out and take care of it.  My feeling is that you are dealing with what many people have dealt with and that is that your relationship is changing.  You have kids, the fun is on hold, life is more challenging than fun, you do not like your job, he does not like his job, you do not have enough money, etc...  I can go on forever, but the fact is that you must both change with life if you want to stay together.  Ask him what is really bothering him.  If that is too difficult, have him write it down.  The you give him some time to explain his feelings openly.  If he writes it down and gives you time to think about it, you will not react.  Instead you must take it in, think about what he is trying to say, then let him talk while you listen.  Tell him that you want to do the same thing and you expect the same response.  The follow through.  When he does it, react politely and respectfully.  Then hopefully, he will do the same thing in return.  I found that in many relationships that I have talked about with friends, many married people lose the appreciation.  It only takes a simple "thank you" or "you look really nice today" to boost the mood and attitude of the other person.  When you get married, you just have to figure out how the other person is changing, express the way you feel, compromise or accept.  Then the key is "both of you need to get over it and move on"!  Looking at other woman, avoiding conflict, not spending as much time with you are not always driven from disliking you.  It may be he has an issue that you are not understanding or you have an issue that you are not either dealing with or he is afraid to tell you about.  Moral of the story:  Figure out how to fight fair!!!  Figure out how to talk and compromise fair!!!  Both parties win and before you know it, you are the sexiest woman on earth.  Hope this helps.  It has help me for 16 years.

My hiusband dont look at porn, for I am against it, and vice versa.  I "used" to be a "pouter" also when I didnt get my way and run to the couch. It even made me madder, that he didnt come and get me off the couch and ask me to go to bed. I did that because I was wanting him, to want  me, in my own childish way. But me, being like your husband and pouting, my husband like you, cant read our minds. BUT he surprised me one day while I was pouting. I left to go run some errands and when I came back home, I went into the bedroom and lo and behold, what has he done?! Boy was I surprised! He decorated the bed frame with fake roses and wrapped them all around the bed post. He put real rose pedals all over the bed (after he made the bed), the room was clean, he had 1 dozen of roses sitting on my nightstand. He put chocolate covered cherries ( my favorite) in a decorated bowl next to the roses. He had lit some candles and had them all over the room. He had also brought me 3 boxes of presents sitting on the bed from Victoria Secrets.  Oh my gosh!  My pouting ended that day. What made him think of something like this, I dont know, but it made him and I become closer and I did tell him why I went to the couch the night before, in hopes that he would come and get me off the couch so I would feel wanted by him. He said from now on, you will not sleep on the couch and we will talk if we have a problem before we go to bed and get it resolved.

I too feel that I am not confident in myself to dress up for night time pleasure, I am insecure with myself because I am now older " ancient" according to my teenager, but life is what you make it. I think your husband would rather see you then the women on the internet. My husband gave me the confidence I needed when he did what he did. It is for his eyes only anyway. We have 3 kids, and when they go to bed, the remainder of the time, is for us. Surprise your husband like mine did me. Set the mood for him, and you be the person for him to look at , to get his mind off the internet. I am now thinking of a way to do someting special for my husband like he has done for me. I am going to go buy him, some outfits. LOL!

This sounds somewhat similar to what my now ex wife and I were going thru, however it was not really about the sex but intimacy, tenderness and feeling wanted.  We had been together for 10 yrs and essentially in the last 5 years the above was lacking.  We have 2 boys 5 and 7 whom we adore.  I tried to address the issues many times and in different ways ie talking and letters but to no avail.  The excuses were always 'I don't feel good about myself', I'm tired', 'I'm just wrapped up with the kids' etc and there was always the promise of change which never eventuated.  I believe that I was a caring, supportive and passionate husband who made the effort to make my wife feel special and beautiful.  In return I felt more and more like a border in my own home.  The result was that I became angry and sad and my ego and self esteem took a severe battering.  Unfortunately after many years and attempts to make this sad situation better I ended up taking the wrong path a had an affair with a woman who gave me all the things I craved in abundance.  It lead to the ruin of my marriage.  Today I am still angry with my ex.  We have been apart for 2mths.  She says that she still loves me and wants us to be together but has done little or nothing to deal with her issues..  My point is you truely need to take a close look at what the issues are and have a serious no holds barred discussion about them.  Seek individual counselling and then marriage counsel together.  For the sake of your marriage and your kids pull out all the stops or you will end up in the same boat as us ... angry, sad, hurt and alone. 

Good luck.

Hi firebomb,

I have d same situation with my dear hubby,and at this present moment  he is giving me "the silence treatment" because he didn`t get sex when he thought it was due to happen,same as yours!oh my god,i can`t believe that men are actually like that,that EVERYTHING depends if they got sex today or not,and the thing is,they never ask for the reason that the SEX didn`t happen ,maybe we really don`t feel well,or too tired doin the things round the house makin it nice n tidy FOR THEM,working,taking care of kids,but they don`t understand it.I know my husband would be ready for sex in d middle of d nite,sick or healthy,only if he is tired and fall asleep on couch,thats an exeption.

And now because he didn`t get any sex,everything is going down,he`s not listening to me to talk about the issue,he gives up everything,the whole world has stopped!

He is ,or already was on the phone to his parents sayin how I`m bad wife n all,and they can`t wait to hear somethin like that,coz they never liked me anyway,"their poor son,sufferin so much!

OH WHAT A BUNCH OF CRAP!

I`m sorry,I didn`t help you much with some advice or sugestion what to do,coz frankly I haven`t figured out yet how to tame a childish grownup person of my own,but at least u know u r not alone,coz I felt better reading ur msg,and knowing I`m not the only one.

whish all the streangth u need to figure it out

thegirlfromoz

Hi, so glad that you wrote that because I can relate to you in so many ways.  First, I feel that I am in a way like your husband for I don't express my innermost thoughts because quite frankly I really feel that  some things are just better off held inside (not a good quality).  In living with someone, however, sometimes it is just very difficult to hide them when you are around them all the time and becomes built up anger that eventually is let out at the wrong time.  I am at fault here and my future husband (wedding is in 1 month) gets very frustrated with me over it.  I am as well not confident enough to express all of my thoughts and concerns because sometimes I just feel it is unnecessary and not worth arguing over.  I am at a loss right now because I try, really I do.  I have no doubt in my mind that I want to marry him for he is my soul mate and best friend, this just is a communication error that soon will pass, as well as it will for you.  You just need to work on it.

Now, the pornography topic.  My fiance also watches porn on the internet, haven't caught him but he admitted it to me when I asked him if he did.  When we first got together, he was subscribed to Playboy and some other magazine in which he threw them all out for he knew it made me angry.  When I confronted him about the watching of porn on the internet, I was so angry for I felt that it was a slap in the face and that he did not find me attractive anymore and had to resort to watching other women making me feel very insecure.  It was funny because I was watching Friends the tv show and Monica had caught Chandler watching porn and instead of getting angry she decided to participate and watch it with him.  Another idea perhaps would be to make one of your own.  I have talked to many women about this issue and have come to the conclusion that every man is going to watch porn, it could be alot worse I guess.  At least he is not calling 900 numbers or even worse cheating on you.....just talk to him about it.

Hope I helped you out! :)