Replies to 'How Childhood Abuse Still Affects Me'

Quote From: ottonikki

My name is Nikki.  I was physically, emotionally abused as a child by both my mom and dad and I was sexually abused by my father.  My parents fought so bad that neighbors moved away because of us, doors, windows, phones, phone lines, dishes, t.v.s etc.. were replaced monthly sometimes weekly.  Every police officer in the city knew my entire family on a first name basis and I lived in a big city.  I was bullied so bad in school that I had no friends learned to run home from school so not to get beat up and got picked on so much I wanted to kill myself when I was 10 years old.  My father was a severe alcoholic and still is and my mother after finally divorcing him when I was 13 became an alcoholic herself and got together with another alcoholic just to start the abuse process up all over again.  I am now 24 years old and Im depressed and have anxiety, chronic shock disorder, post traumatic stress disorder and have just now realized that hey I am an adult child of an alcoholic.  There are many books on this topic just like there are books on alanon.  I never realized that living with the disease that I could take on the characteristics of the disease myself.  Now I'm faced with shuffling through all the hurt and pain that was in my youth that made me the distorted thinker that I am today and I'm having a really hard time with it.  I don't know how to forgive or forget or let go or anything with any of the emotions that I have.  I hate my father so much it makes my stomach hurt to just think about him.  How do I get through the pain of my past without having a nervous break down or killing myself over the stress it is causing me.  I don't know how to deal with any of this.  I'm so lost, scared, and so darn angry.  If anyone has any suggestions please feel free to voice them and help me out because I really need some help dealing with this.

Quote From: ottonikki

My name is Nikki.  I was physically, emotionally abused as a child by both my mom and dad and I was sexually abused by my father.  My parents fought so bad that neighbors moved away because of us, doors, windows, phones, phone lines, dishes, t.v.s etc.. were replaced monthly sometimes weekly.  Every police officer in the city knew my entire family on a first name basis and I lived in a big city.  I was bullied so bad in school that I had no friends learned to run home from school so not to get beat up and got picked on so much I wanted to kill myself when I was 10 years old.  My father was a severe alcoholic and still is and my mother after finally divorcing him when I was 13 became an alcoholic herself and got together with another alcoholic just to start the abuse process up all over again.  I am now 24 years old and Im depressed and have anxiety, chronic shock disorder, post traumatic stress disorder and have just now realized that hey I am an adult child of an alcoholic.  There are many books on this topic just like there are books on alanon.  I never realized that living with the disease that I could take on the characteristics of the disease myself.  Now I'm faced with shuffling through all the hurt and pain that was in my youth that made me the distorted thinker that I am today and I'm having a really hard time with it.  I don't know how to forgive or forget or let go or anything with any of the emotions that I have.  I hate my father so much it makes my stomach hurt to just think about him.  How do I get through the pain of my past without having a nervous break down or killing myself over the stress it is causing me.  I don't know how to deal with any of this.  I'm so lost, scared, and so darn angry.  If anyone has any suggestions please feel free to voice them and help me out because I really need some help dealing with this.