Replies to 'Black Sheep of the Family?'

Hello there:

I say that I can relate in that I am the Black Sheep of the family too. My sister  and mother don't agree with anything I do and feels that I favor my husband's family over them. Well,they  are partially correct because everytime I phone home to my family, they are criticizing me or accusing me of things I never did. Most of these criticisms are about long past events. I have tried to leave the past behind as I think all of us have done hurtful things in the past and we all should take ownership of our parts. My family only focus on me and conveniently forget or deny anything they could have done.  My sister never calls anymore as she has decided to snub me in response to all my alleged, according to her, past hurts. My mother has taken her side and has criticisms of her own. I am planning to go down to visit them in the summer as I want my children to know their Grandma and Aunt. I know I will likely be verbally accosted when we get there but I am taking the unselfish route and being the best daughter and sister that I can be.  I will, however, leave if they choose to make my visit unpleasant and expose my kids to it. I will have no regrets as at least as I did my part. I know I will never have peace with my family as they think they are the best people who are always right and have never done anything wrong. How can you fight that?

Another reason I know what you are going through is that I am the mother of a  7 year old son with Asperger's syndrome and ADHD.  I don't know the degree of Asperger's you have but my son is on the mild to moderate level. He is very bright and has a very sweet and passive personality. He is also quick to anger and frustration so it is sometimes difficult to communicate with him when he is in that mode. I usually wait till he has calmed and then we talk. I don't pretend to know you or your challenges with Asperger's because every Aspie has different challenges. I have done an immense amount of reading on the condition as I want to do the best I can for my son. It almost sounds like your family did not take the time to learn about your condition and because they don't understand it, they don't know how to relate to you. Most people I have run into think that Aspergers is cured with a pill but we know that it is the way the brain is wired not a chemical thing. Many people think that you can control your Aspergers but again that is ignorant. Your mother has been very cruel to you in saying you have no good points and only bad points. That is not supportive and I know from experience a mother's criticism and always saying she is the innocent one is very hurtful because a mother should love unconditionally. I have always treated my son as any other and not as having Aspergers as I don't want him to use that as an excuse for certain behaviours. Some things can be learned with parental support and teaching and help from specialists.

I am glad that you are fighting back rather than descending in to depression which  Aspies are prone to. I have sought councelling for my troubles as I can't handle my problems alone. I need someone who can stand back and look at the whole situation to give me an idea of what to do next. My husband is great support for me in that he listens and dries my tears when my frustration with my family gets the better of me. Are you married or do you have a good friend to talk to as that will help support you and keep your self esteem from taking a dive.

You are a person and you do have feelings. You should have those feelings respected. I live 1500 miles from my family as it is easier to have a better relationship from a distance.  I stay away from conversations with my mother that  bring conflict and therefore it usually keeps the peace.  If they get critical, I sign off with them as I will not expose myself to negative emotion. Negative emotion brings me down and I want a happy life. You just do your part of keeping up communication and if they don't call then that is their unfortunate choice and they will have to live with it. You know you are a good person. You know you have talents and something to offer but if they are blind  to it then ,again, it is their choice and their loss. Live your dreams. Please yourself. Be good to others and you will feel good about yourself. You don't need your family's permission or their approval. They have alot to be ashamed of. Take care and good luck.