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Replies to 'How Childhood Abuse Still Affects Me'
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September 28, 2006, 1:34 pm PDT
 Quote From: maxi Hi everyone
Im 32 years old and from South Africa. In short, (as short as possible!lol!) just to give you an idea. My stepfather abused me (sexually) since the age of 7. This continued till I turned 12. (By then I was suffering froman eating disorder.) I then got institutianolised. (First in a mental hospital for ivaluation, then to a "safe house" and after a few suicide attemts I got sent to a juvenile prison....still wondering why......)I got released from there when I turned 18, and have been fending for myself on the streets of Cape Town ever since. It is only recently that my life has "stabilised" in a funny sort of way. I became a drug addict at the age of 13, and this continued untill about 3 months ago. I am clean now, but with that comes reality, something Ive spend my whole life trying to get away from. I thought that being clean would be the sollution to all my problems, (a bit naive, I know now....) but am now struggling with my ED all over again. (Never had to worry much when I was an addict...I always looked like a skelleton!) My re-occuring nightmares are also back in a big way now. They were always there, but at least when I was drugging I could dull it somewhat. (Im only getting about 3 hours sleep a night on average) I am also really struggling with the memories, ect. It is now the first time in years that I actually have to deal with things, and I feel as if Im not equiped for it at all. I dont even know who I am anymore. Living on the streets (and doing what Ive had to do to survive in that enviroment) has also taken its toll, mentally, emotionally & physically. I know that I brought this on myself in a lot of ways, but am really trying to salvage what I can. (Kinda left it a bit late, I know...) When I quit the drugs I also quit my psyciatric medication, eg. sleeping pills, anti-depressants, ect., so when I say that my mind is clear for the first time since I was 13, I MEAN it. Can anyone give me some kind of advice? It will be MUCH appreciated.
Maxi I feel for you and I'm so proud of you for getting off the drugs. I know the only way to try to heal is to face our "demons" head-on. Even though it hurts. I don't think a wound heals without really hurting and festering for awhile...and we have to feel it in order to tend to it. if it didn't hurt we'd tend to ignore it and before we know it, its worse than ever. I hope you know what I'm trying to say. We have wounds that are just as real as one we can see on our skin, that need tending. And that's what you're finally doing now. You deserve all the praise in the world for doing that.
The only advice I can honestly give you is to hang in there and even when the pain becomes unbearable, try to remember a wound always hurts the worst right before it starts to get better. It helps to talk to people who understand and to get someone in your life who will be supportive and help you through the really bad times. (Maybe a counselor.)
I wish you the best. You've made the first step and I know it took a lot of courage. |
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