Quote From: jb7ctx"What you see, is what you get." What I mean by this is, only your b-friend can stop this cycle with his grown kids. No matter how much it may upset you and you guys argue over it, only HE can stop it. He is enableing his 19 y/o to be "dependant" upon him. That is not good. He should make his 19 y/o get a job and take on responsibility. IF you are preparing for a future with this man, then it is your bussiness. Because once you two marry, you will have to deal with this too, if it dont stop. The only way these adult children will ne motivated, is only if, their father quits "enabling" them. He can be there for his kids emotionally, but financially, no. They need to learn how to take care of themselves. Staying in the relationship is your choice on if you can deal with your b-friends behavior or not. Who pays for the cigarettes the 19 y/o smokes? Does he or your b-friend? If you stay in the relationship with your b-friend and you two decide on marriage, I would ask your b-friend to at least make his son get a job and pay for his own responsibitlities. He needs to quit trying to "buy" his kids. They are not going to alienate themselves from him and he is not taking anything away from them. He would be doing them good , by letting them grow up. One day his sons will eventually get married themselves, and then who would your b-friend have? If he loses you? His sons are grown and he needs to think about you two and your future together.
Your are exactly right! Thank you very much for taking the time to respond to my posting. My boyfriend and I are getting together this week to talk about this topic. He sent me an email last night stating that he felt my words to him were uncomfortable, but that he was grateful and they made him realize that he has been to "easy" with his sons and that his actions were stemming from his guilt over the divorce. I am hoping that this is the beginning of communicating towards a positive future and will help us get through the many, many more difficult conversations we will probably need to have before we take the "BIG" step. Thanks again!
