Replies to '12/22 Custody Battles Gone Bad'

I understand the pain you are feeling with just having lost custody of your daughters and believing that the legal system screwed you over.  I understand the hopelessness and the helplessness you feel.  Nothing can ever prepare you for how to handle these types of situations.  I went through it 20 years ago and my children who are now adults still suffer, as do I.  I still lay awake at night wishing that I could have prevented the pain for all of us.  During the time of our custody battle, I kept a diary.  My intent was to watch my own motives so that I did not inflict more pain on anyone than the situation already caused.  For a long time, when I read my entries, I felt justified in what I wrote.  Now when I look at it 20 years later, I sometimes cringe and wish I had done things differently.  I can't give you any real advice, because to this day I do not know how to handle a situation like this.   However, I will share with you some of my thoughts.  The children need peace more than anything else.  In a custody battle, their world is torn apart and they have no firm ground to stand on.  They have no adult that they can trust.  As bad as your ex-husband is, chances are good that he won't physically harm them.  It's the emotional damage that scars so deep.  In my case, my husband's hatred for me far outweighed his love for the children.  I did not know how to protect them and I did not know how to fight him.  I hired professionals to help me - both mental health professionals and legal professionals.  I put everything I owned on the line.  It did not make anything any better.  The legal system is a win-lose proposition - meaning someone has to win and someone has to lose.  There is no middle ground.  After four years of solid legal warfare, a complete drain of all my resources, I finally gave up.  I should tell you that at this time I had my two daughters back home after having lost custody.  I did not have my son back.  I told the judge and the lawyers that I would not fight any longer.  My ex-husband could see the children whenever he wanted.  If he wanted them in the middle of the night, during school, on my birthday, anytime he could have them.  I told them he did not have to pay child support.  I told them he did not have to contribute in any way to any thing that cost money for them.  I would take care of their college education.  I would take care of their insurance.  I would take care of everything.  He could just have fun.  And I meant every word of it.  I had no idea how I was going to do it, but I couldn't think of anything else that would stop the fighting.  What that did was it stopped the court case.  My son asked to come home.  My husband's attorney told him to accept my proposal and to offer to take some financial responsibility.  He took minimal responsibility.  At any rate the fighting stopped.  But you know, the healing takes a long time.  My ex-husband actually told the children that he lost the court case and he is still bitter about it.  So he remains unreasonable to this day.  However, I feel better about myself.  My girls have taken steps to heal.  My son is very very scarred.  Good luck to you, dear.  I hope you can find the key that will help the fighting stop for you.

I to have lost my son 6 year old son to my ex. My ex was verbally and physically abusive to me and to my other son. The court system has not even heard what I had to say. I have taken this to court to revise our parenting plan but he comes out looking like a pure angle, when deep down inside he knows what he is doing is wrong.  I live 650 miles away from my son that is the only way I could go on with my life but  the courts decided since our son had "established relationships" with both sets of grandparents it would be best to give the father residential custody.  I tried to kill myself before I moved because the fighting and the constant abuse just got to much, the protective order didn't do any good. But the court still gave him residential custody. I do not have the money to fight him. And I feel like eventually I will lose my son completely. He does not allow me to talk to our son and when I do talk to him, my ex is telling him what to say and what not to say.  We have joint custody but I have no rights at all. But I still make sure I pay that child support every month.

I wish