Replies to 'Abuse'

 For 28 years I have lived with a man, I have finally come to realize, is unable to love anyone but himself. He has mother hatred problems and is extremely emotionally manipulative and totally unable to tell the truth (unless there is a payoff to him), be emotionally available, or ever take any responsibility for his "quirks" causing problems in our marriage.

We have gone to many counselors (not long enough to do any good, cause too many do NOT understand passive aggressive emotional abuse and because he is such a good liar to himself and others). 

Recently I left for three days (did not ASK his permission, but just told him I was going, and he SEEMED to support it), even to offering airline tickets)  to attend my favorite uncle's funeral. I had a wonderful time, if such is possible, seeing my old "family" of multiple relatives I hadn't been able to see in over 20 years. It was like I never left. I felt to accepted and appreciated and entertained by talking to people about the type of things that they and I are interested in (so refreshing from the political talk that is my husbands  ONLY idea of conversation),

I got back two days before my birthday. My husband had asked what I wanted for my birthday, and I said a new metal detector, if we can afford it. Since the funeral was so unexpected, I had had no time to shop around for the detector I wanted until I got back. My husband has been suffering from "new car fever" and out of the blue the minute I got back before I even got unpacked he started talking about "looking about cars".  Frankly I wanted to discuss the expense further, and since we just got a little extra from his retirement account FINALLY kicking in, I wasn't in the mood AT THAT POINT IN TIME to discuss it or do it. I told him this. Selfishly if we went shopping for anything, I wanted it to be my birthday present, not his car. As it happens my daughter knew someone who was selling a detector and they let me bring it home to "try it out" with the possibility I might buy it. It wasn't cheap, and so before I gave an answer to them, I asked if my husband would go with me to comparision shop. As I have gotten older I really don't like driving long distances alone, and most shops selling detectors were a ways from where we live.

He kept being noncommital, and negative about accompaning me to check out other detectors and kept pushing this loaner off on me. I wasn't sure it was the one I wanted pretty sure but I wanted to "check out " others in this price range 350.00! To me this was alot of money, and I didn't want to make a "snap judgement" without shopping around to be sure.

In the meantime my daughter told him it would be nice to take me to this winery/sandwich shop her and I go to for my birthday. (let me add in the past my hubby ALWAYS sabotouges US having any date nites anniversary evening or ANY time having fun as a couple) I didn't even bother to "expect" anything for my birthday except to buy my own gift. Amazingly he asked if I wanted to go there, and sad to say like a school girl I got all excited about him actually putting self aside on my birthday to do something for me or us.

The morning of  my birthday as I was getting dressed for our "day in Winnsboro" he asked me what we were going to do. Somewhat stunned I replied " Well I guess I don't know, I thought you invited me to lunch at Winnsboro?" He said, (like a little kid) " well let me pick what we are going to do, lets go look at cars THEN go to Winnsboro." I said you mean I am getting dressed on MY birthday to go car shopping for a car for you? We won't have time to do both, and I am really hurt that you are attempting to use my birthday to get something for YOURSELF. Mind you, after he invited me, I sacked all plans to go shopping for a detector, or to ask him to accompany me while I detected  and tried out the one I was trying to decide on in a nearby old park,  nixed any other plans with anyone else for my birthday. In short thinking he was TRYING to make my day special for me, I dropped any other thing I might have chosen to do on my birthday to show my appreciation for his TRYING and his invitation.  Then it hit me, I OWED HIM for his ALLOWING me to attend my uncles funeral and he was so anxious to cash in on my debt to him, that he couldn't even wait till my birthday was over, and us going to Winnsboro was CONDITIONAL on his getting to buy a car for himself.

Later when my daughter scolded him for his "insensitivity" and selfish behavior, he told her that I WANTED a car! When she said that is bs, I know mother better than that, stop lying. He said, "well she just needs to leave emotions out of it".  This is blatant PA self centered behavior, not the honest "ooops" he is trying to sell me on. Anyone past the age of  ten should be able to grasp that you don't buy for yourself on someone elses b day and how to gracefully "let em have THEIR day".  It seems that every "occassion" that isn't about him is sabotouged in such a manner, and I am still reeling from his lies, and manipulations and selfishness. Not suprised mind you but  when confronted about how much this hurt, He didn't seem even slightly remorseful, but defiant about how I had "ruined my own birthday. THEN he started rewriting, with me being the selfish, too emotional, or picky on" This is his MO and in some way or another he is a jerk whenever it isn't "all about him".  Because of such hurtful REPEAT bad behavior and lies to make him the victim, I have told him leave, we need a divorice and that is that. (we were and have been borderline for years now, with me disgusted with HIS love affair with self and his passive aggression) This illustrated to me that his is immature and incapable of EVER thinking of others, unless there is an ANGLE in it for him. What do you guys think?