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Replies to 'Abuse'
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October 8, 2006, 2:40 am PDT
 Quote From: wildwood I experience this daily, and it is one of the reasons I have come to realize my marriage must end or at the least (at our ages and due to financial concerns) we cannot live together. No matter how myself and the kids were neglected, ignored, hurt, used or blamed by my husbands irrational, selfish, abusive (emotional) and self centered behavior, He is the victim, I we are doing some injustice to HIM. A stupid example of HIS thinking, lets say I mentioned (in the past) our youngest d wants to go trick or treating, and I ask him...........will you accompany us ( to include him in the moment or simply have him there as our "protector", he will say, " I don't want to go trick or treating". (Notice he doesn't deal with the Question as an ADULT, but as a child behaving as if he was asked, "what do you want to do for YOUR halloween activity?. I have to remind him, A. It isn't about YOUR wants, it is an invitation to include you in OURS, B. This is what children WANT to do, support her childhood, get over yourself! C. I wasn't asking what YOU wanted but if you would go as a PARENT letting your child be a child. D. Why are you so selfishly making me choose between "children" (meaning his selfish competative self with his own child) E. You misunderstood the question in the first place, I did not ask what YOU wanted! and F. When are YOU going to grow up and get over self ? and G. To myself, Why am I with this man/child?
Any attempt to set any expectations, boundries, or hope to be treated as SEPERATE persons in our own right, sets him into a bully/spoiled brat looking for revenge or a "poor me" how can you be so mean toot. Things go badly the minute I "point out his only regard is for self", and why should his child NOT be able to count on Daddy, to support what SHE wants on this "kids" holiday. I also point out many adults ALSO appreciate the fun of watching their kids trick or treat, and many get in the moment and do fun stuff too, but NOT at the expence of denying their child of THEIR holiday fun. This of course leads to a fight (making the whole occassion a downer, instead of an upper). Naturally, disgusted from dealing with an adult child, I no longer want his self with us.........and he is just looking for an excuse to not support anyone but himself. Then he POUTS and acts like a neglected child to a situation he created by NEVER being able to get over himself.
One day I had a lightbulb moment. This is not seen as odd to him, for he operates from the realm that it IS or should be all about him, and everything is "tilted" in favor of an opportunity for him to PLAY the victim if it isn't ABOUT HIM. I have come to know the smell of " oh, my gosh he is JEALOUS of it NOT being about him, and he is going to ruin it, here we go. It is my and the kids job to cater to him and his needs not our own, and to allow ourselves to be used and abused and emotionally messed with so that HE can CREATE opportunities to be the victim (even of his own making). Each incident is "created" because of his narcissistic NEEDS, his feeling of being "abandoned", his immaturity, his perpetual need to be the FOCUS of all things, and his need to BLAME others if he is NOT. They TWIST all things to be "injuries" to themselves, rather than just daily events where THEY are not the ONLY IMPORTANT THING IN THE WORLD. My guess, your husband doesn't give a flip about accompanying you and the kids as an ADULT participating in the fun, that from the get go he actually RESENTS the focus off himself, therefore sabotouged his own self and you and starts with the GUILT , with his sick needs paramount, and he is looking to blame YOU so HE can be the one victimized. He is "stealing" every moment of pleasure from others, so it can be about HIM, and if unsuccessful (you went anyway and had a good time), he must FEEL and play the victim.
You and your children are just "players in HIS drama". If he REALLY didn't want to miss this once in a lifetime experience, he could have gotten over hisself and GONE with you, and SHARED the moment, but he chose to UPSTAGE it and saw an OPPORTUNITY to make it about him, by his "poor me" after the fact declarations making you and your children GUILTY of injuring HIM. Sad isn't it?
I wanted to add to my post. It is very very difficult for us to understand this convoluted thinking, and when they accuse us of "being self centered" and childish we actually examine this as a possibility...........everyone has some child in them. We all like to have fun, and one of my greatest joys of having children is in some ways WITH them I can feed the need to have good old fashioned FUN, especially the FUN of introducing them to "Traditional fun", at holiday times, reliving my childhood memories, the fun of being the "orchestrator" of THEIR fun times. There is nothing wrong with being "childish" WITH your children, making them the focus. That is what parents do, it is the greatest gift. However the differences (subtle as it seems to hubby) is doing this WITH and FOR the childrens benefit as the primary. Not at the expense of your children's FUN. We act "childish" for their BENEFIT as the primary focus. We don't DENY them their FUN, and make ourselves the FOCUS. Sabotouging a childs need to be a child, is a MAJOR theme of discontent in our marriage. He doesn't like FUN, he wouldn't know it if it hit him in the face. FUN to him is manipulating others away from THEIR wants and needs...........and making the FOCUS HIS.
One way he "stages" is to plan or suggest something HE wants (he doesn't REALLY even bother to KNOW his own children or me so he is clueless here). He likes musicals. He is the ONLY one in the family who does. He will spend a fortune on tickets for something HE wants..........or a movie HE wants to see (when they were small, it would be an ADULT movie and NOT age approriate at all) and then POUTS if everyone isn't estatic about it. He then says something like, "you never want to do what I want to do", I don't know why I try. I will say, that is because you are serving yourself, and not really thinking of ANY activities but those YOU want, for yourself. If he does plan something (in the past) it is about what HE wants, therefore, everyone must want it. (we are all just supposed to forget all the times he sabotouged what WE did want to do and now cater to HIS SELFISH needs to FORCE what HE likes on us) He is VERY childish if not told how "wonderful" it was, even if it is something, no one else really WANTS to do. No one wants to hurt his feelings, because Daddy is "trying", however what he is trying is MAKE everyone like what he and he alone likes. Naturally he never recriprocates and involve himself in what " we really DO like to do". Also, in the past he makes declarations about doing stuff we can NO way afford to do, BEFORE even talking about it BEFORE we blurt it out to the kids, only to disappoint them, with we don't have the money"..so sorry. Or ooops he can't get the time off. It is like the saying it is enough. Of course, he won't just have a picnic, go to a park, or something local we CAN afford or go to any of the many mini vacation spots closer to home, that we COULD afford. It is therefore nothing but another way to "appear" good while not doing any good at all. I tried to tell him in the past, don't set people up for dissappointment this way, it is so cruel to do children like that. He isn't interested in that angle, only that HE appears to be "thinking of others" when in fact he isn't, just trying to "look good" thinking of himself alone. |
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October 8, 2006, 7:32 am PDT
Quote From: wildwood I experience this daily, and it is one of the reasons I have come to realize my marriage must end or at the least (at our ages and due to financial concerns) we cannot live together. No matter how myself and the kids were neglected, ignored, hurt, used or blamed by my husbands irrational, selfish, abusive (emotional) and self centered behavior, He is the victim, I we are doing some injustice to HIM. A stupid example of HIS thinking, lets say I mentioned (in the past) our youngest d wants to go trick or treating, and I ask him...........will you accompany us ( to include him in the moment or simply have him there as our "protector", he will say, " I don't want to go trick or treating". (Notice he doesn't deal with the Question as an ADULT, but as a child behaving as if he was asked, "what do you want to do for YOUR halloween activity?. I have to remind him, A. It isn't about YOUR wants, it is an invitation to include you in OURS, B. This is what children WANT to do, support her childhood, get over yourself! C. I wasn't asking what YOU wanted but if you would go as a PARENT letting your child be a child. D. Why are you so selfishly making me choose between "children" (meaning his selfish competative self with his own child) E. You misunderstood the question in the first place, I did not ask what YOU wanted! and F. When are YOU going to grow up and get over self ? and G. To myself, Why am I with this man/child?
Any attempt to set any expectations, boundries, or hope to be treated as SEPERATE persons in our own right, sets him into a bully/spoiled brat looking for revenge or a "poor me" how can you be so mean toot. Things go badly the minute I "point out his only regard is for self", and why should his child NOT be able to count on Daddy, to support what SHE wants on this "kids" holiday. I also point out many adults ALSO appreciate the fun of watching their kids trick or treat, and many get in the moment and do fun stuff too, but NOT at the expence of denying their child of THEIR holiday fun. This of course leads to a fight (making the whole occassion a downer, instead of an upper). Naturally, disgusted from dealing with an adult child, I no longer want his self with us.........and he is just looking for an excuse to not support anyone but himself. Then he POUTS and acts like a neglected child to a situation he created by NEVER being able to get over himself.
One day I had a lightbulb moment. This is not seen as odd to him, for he operates from the realm that it IS or should be all about him, and everything is "tilted" in favor of an opportunity for him to PLAY the victim if it isn't ABOUT HIM. I have come to know the smell of " oh, my gosh he is JEALOUS of it NOT being about him, and he is going to ruin it, here we go. It is my and the kids job to cater to him and his needs not our own, and to allow ourselves to be used and abused and emotionally messed with so that HE can CREATE opportunities to be the victim (even of his own making). Each incident is "created" because of his narcissistic NEEDS, his feeling of being "abandoned", his immaturity, his perpetual need to be the FOCUS of all things, and his need to BLAME others if he is NOT. They TWIST all things to be "injuries" to themselves, rather than just daily events where THEY are not the ONLY IMPORTANT THING IN THE WORLD. My guess, your husband doesn't give a flip about accompanying you and the kids as an ADULT participating in the fun, that from the get go he actually RESENTS the focus off himself, therefore sabotouged his own self and you and starts with the GUILT , with his sick needs paramount, and he is looking to blame YOU so HE can be the one victimized. He is "stealing" every moment of pleasure from others, so it can be about HIM, and if unsuccessful (you went anyway and had a good time), he must FEEL and play the victim.
You and your children are just "players in HIS drama". If he REALLY didn't want to miss this once in a lifetime experience, he could have gotten over hisself and GONE with you, and SHARED the moment, but he chose to UPSTAGE it and saw an OPPORTUNITY to make it about him, by his "poor me" after the fact declarations making you and your children GUILTY of injuring HIM. Sad isn't it?
wow, did you ever read my husband perfectly!! Every arguement we had/have is all about what I did to hurt HIM. Even to the point that, when we seperated, I told him I absolutely did NOT want him to leave. I said "I want us to work out our problems, get help, make our marriage work. I want you to get a JOB and help me support our family! I don't want you to leave, but I refuse to support you any longer! If you wont' do that, I will be the one to leave and you can stay as long as you like!" After that, he packed up and moved. At every opportunity since, he tells me everything is my fault and that I KICKED HIM OUT OF OUR HOME!! It was after that when I discovered this wonderful message board and have learned a tremendous amount about abuse. Looking back, I see so many things that should have been waving red flags, sounding sirens, and flashing lights to say "DON'T GO THERE" but the lack of knowledge closed my eyes. I think it is that selfishness in him that I have the biggest problem understanding. I have always been a compassionate person and will help anyone that needs me, if I'm able. Being selfish is something all people do to a certain extent and is healthy, in my opinion, in the respect that we each have to care for our own spirit in order to remain balanced and productive. However, selfishness to the extent our husbands use it, is so totally foreign to me that I just can't always comprehend it and don't have a clue how to deal with it (if thats possible). I was just remembering a couple of years ago when our daughter was about 6 or 7. She was in a 'mood' and stomped off to bed angry. I asked her if she was going to tell her daddy goodnight and she refused. (she refused to give ME a goodnight hug/kiss too). I didn't argue and let her deal with her attitude how she chose. No big deal, just a kid testing their limits. It was at least a week if not 2, before my h would show ANY kind of affection to our daughter! When I asked what his problem was, he said she had hurt his feelings! I could've dropped right there! Who is the adult here???? I am glad to not be living in that every day now. He still comes over or calls regularly to inform me of all the horrible things I've done to him but I'm learning how to hang up the phone or shut the door and he hasn't figured out how to respond to that!! (pat myself on the back.....!!) Thank you for your post. The more I read of other peoples situations, the more I realize that I am not crazy after all! (didnt' think I was but he could be very convincing) It amazes my how alike these men can be yet not see it themselves. And it is such a mindset that there is no way to show them the truth. Even cold hard facts are like throwing cotton balls at a brick wall. |
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