Replies to 'Abuse'

  I wanted to add to my post. It is very very difficult for us to understand this convoluted thinking, and when they accuse us of "being self centered" and childish we actually examine this as a possibility...........everyone has some child in them. We all like to have fun, and one of my greatest joys of having children is in some ways WITH them I can feed the need to have good old fashioned FUN, especially the FUN of  introducing them to "Traditional fun", at holiday times, reliving my childhood memories, the fun of being the "orchestrator" of THEIR fun times. There is nothing wrong with being "childish" WITH your children, making them the focus. That is what parents do, it is the greatest gift. However the differences (subtle as it seems to hubby)  is    doing this WITH and FOR the childrens  benefit as the primary.           Not at the expense of your children's FUN. We act "childish" for their BENEFIT as the primary focus. We don't DENY them their FUN, and make ourselves the FOCUS. Sabotouging a childs need to be a child, is a MAJOR theme of discontent in our marriage. He doesn't like FUN, he wouldn't know it if it hit him in the face. FUN to him is manipulating others away from THEIR wants and needs...........and making the FOCUS HIS.

One way he "stages" is to plan or suggest something HE wants (he doesn't REALLY even bother to KNOW his own children or me so he is clueless here).  He likes musicals. He is the ONLY one in the family who does. He will spend a fortune on tickets for something HE wants..........or a movie HE wants to see (when they were small, it would be an ADULT movie and NOT age approriate at all) and then POUTS if everyone isn't estatic about it. He then says something like, "you never want to do what I want to do", I don't know why I try.  I will say,  that is because you are serving yourself, and not really thinking of ANY activities but those YOU want, for yourself. If he does plan something (in the past) it is about what HE wants, therefore, everyone must want it.  (we are all just supposed to forget all the times he sabotouged what WE did want to do and now cater to HIS SELFISH needs to FORCE what HE likes on us) He is VERY childish if not told how "wonderful" it was, even if it is something, no one else really WANTS to do. No one wants to hurt his feelings, because Daddy is "trying", however what he is trying is MAKE everyone like what he and he alone likes. Naturally he never recriprocates and involve himself in what  " we really DO like to do".  Also, in the past he makes declarations about doing stuff we can NO way afford to do, BEFORE even talking about it BEFORE we blurt it out to the kids, only to  disappoint them, with   we don't have  the money"..so sorry. Or ooops he can't get the time off. It is like the saying it is enough. Of course, he won't just have a picnic, go to a park, or something local we CAN afford or go to any of the many mini vacation spots closer to home, that we COULD afford. It is therefore nothing but another way  to "appear" good while not doing any good at all. I tried to tell him in the past, don't set people up for dissappointment this way, it is so cruel to do children like that. He isn't interested in that angle, only that HE appears to be "thinking of others" when in fact he isn't, just trying to "look good" thinking of himself alone.

  I wanted to add to my post. It is very very difficult for us to understand this convoluted thinking, and when they accuse us of "being self centered" and childish we actually examine this as a possibility...........everyone has some child in them. We all like to have fun, and one of my greatest joys of having children is in some ways WITH them I can feed the need to have good old fashioned FUN, especially the FUN of  introducing them to "Traditional fun", at holiday times, reliving my childhood memories, the fun of being the "orchestrator" of THEIR fun times. There is nothing wrong with being "childish" WITH your children, making them the focus. That is what parents do, it is the greatest gift. However the differences (subtle as it seems to hubby)  is    doing this WITH and FOR the childrens  benefit as the primary.           Not at the expense of your children's FUN. We act "childish" for their BENEFIT as the primary focus. We don't DENY them their FUN, and make ourselves the FOCUS. Sabotouging a childs need to be a child, is a MAJOR theme of discontent in our marriage. He doesn't like FUN, he wouldn't know it if it hit him in the face. FUN to him is manipulating others away from THEIR wants and needs...........and making the FOCUS HIS.

One way he "stages" is to plan or suggest something HE wants (he doesn't REALLY even bother to KNOW his own children or me so he is clueless here).  He likes musicals. He is the ONLY one in the family who does. He will spend a fortune on tickets for something HE wants..........or a movie HE wants to see (when they were small, it would be an ADULT movie and NOT age approriate at all) and then POUTS if everyone isn't estatic about it. He then says something like, "you never want to do what I want to do", I don't know why I try.  I will say,  that is because you are serving yourself, and not really thinking of ANY activities but those YOU want, for yourself. If he does plan something (in the past) it is about what HE wants, therefore, everyone must want it.  (we are all just supposed to forget all the times he sabotouged what WE did want to do and now cater to HIS SELFISH needs to FORCE what HE likes on us) He is VERY childish if not told how "wonderful" it was, even if it is something, no one else really WANTS to do. No one wants to hurt his feelings, because Daddy is "trying", however what he is trying is MAKE everyone like what he and he alone likes. Naturally he never recriprocates and involve himself in what  " we really DO like to do".  Also, in the past he makes declarations about doing stuff we can NO way afford to do, BEFORE even talking about it BEFORE we blurt it out to the kids, only to  disappoint them, with   we don't have  the money"..so sorry. Or ooops he can't get the time off. It is like the saying it is enough. Of course, he won't just have a picnic, go to a park, or something local we CAN afford or go to any of the many mini vacation spots closer to home, that we COULD afford. It is therefore nothing but another way  to "appear" good while not doing any good at all. I tried to tell him in the past, don't set people up for dissappointment this way, it is so cruel to do children like that. He isn't interested in that angle, only that HE appears to be "thinking of others" when in fact he isn't, just trying to "look good" thinking of himself alone.