Replies to 'Abuse'

  Here is the deal. My emotionally abusive husband (not always name calling or labeling me, but also all the OTHER emotionally abusive behaviors) has DUG into our home. It goes like this, "what do you want me to do"    i SAY GET OUT..........THEN    he "might" pick something, say like folding laundry. ( the request doesn't matter it could have been, fix the gate outside.........he is very "girly" and therefore I have to contend with his  doing stuff  half assed AND making a competetion out of it)...........female like competetion...........think mother in law.............and you have my husband and the problems it gives in the domestic arena".  Ok, so glad for any help and to get him off the same old 3-4 non productive chores he ALWAYS does....(and yes, I do know he does that on purpose and I don't WANT his help ANYWHERE ANYMORE but he INSISts ON PRETENDING THAT EVERY THING IS NORMAL HERE still!!!!!)......I try and deal with his laundry folding "help". Problem is he choses to do EVERYTHING half assed (read that mess it up on purpose so you don't ask again). It has taken me at least six years to "train him" to the fact that washing it.......nope job not done..........folding it (if you call it folding I call it wadding stuff up into piles)............putting it away..............or hanging it up.  

 He apparently doesn't "get it" about permant press, and using the dryer to do your work for you, but just wads up jeans that if laid out flat, right out of the dryer or hung up PDQ, won't need ironing!  This is maddening to me to have all this HELP (When I just want him gone)  and in reality have all this work, chaos and unnecessary redo tasks cause of all of his "HELP".

Another thing he does or did for years was to fold it in the LIVING ROOM and then LEAVE it there for DAYS and DAYS making the already crowded and cluttered living room look like S&%&%&%!  SIX YEARS to just one task!  We have two girls still at home and he STILL mixes up everyones stuff and who knows where it will end up.  ANOTHER thing,  long time ago when I thought he WAS still trying to help) I made the simple request that he not put single socks in drawers, as it makes it very hard to EVER match them up again.......especially if child x's socks are in child d's drawers and so on. We fought about that and he kept doing it anyway until I threw a HUGE FIT........telling him it makes MORE work for me to scurry around looking for the matches when someone NEEDS socks. 

 I "instructed him*, I know sound sick, as to WHERE the single sock hamper is, and ask if he would "just put em in there and forget about it" I will deal with them, NOPE he still sandwiched single socks (mine, his, kids, into the piles). FINALLY, years later I got through to him, how this is one of those RESENTMENT issues leading to my need to "live alone" and he pouted about "being told what to do" for another six years", even now with the divorice just around the corner, he STILL can't see why I don't want his "help" anymore, and is still trying to do laundry...........

So okay, I say laundry is NOT his thing, it wasn't really what I wanted him to do in the first place just so he could dig at me in the the doing of it. (especially if he INSIST on reinventing the wheel here) HE chose to pick the seemingly easiest task, and he DELIBERATELY drug his feet JUST to get that done, and he DELIBERATELY made a fight out of a few simple request, for efficencies sake, that we  women learned when we were TEN about clothing care.

Now before someone tells me I a nitpicker,,,,,,,please understand,,,,,,,,,,he does this with EVERYTHING he attempts to do. He, of course being a he, is an expert on EVERYTHING......and yes, I think it is passive aggressive..........to make no attempt to LEARN how to do something..........(from any source) or to offer himself open to any cooperative effort......... or to listen to what to me is "common sense" to make the work load easier..............so ...........you guessed it He drives me NUTS on purpose so I just want him to STOPPPPPPPPPPPP with all the help.  He wins again, and is STILL trying this s&)(*&)(*)(*& though he has been told to leave.

Problem is he THEN just sits and READS all day.......or insists on being a totaly waste of humanity...........in OUR house, soon to be mine I hope.   How do you deal with them living in the house while you work on getting the stuff together to get a divorice?  I have left in the past, and frankly I too am DUG in as my children do not need to forgo their stability for his "games"

The problem...................he cannot independantly accomplish even the simplist task..........have any "advice or hey this way is easiest on you" comments............or rationalize out  WHY you are making the request..............EVEN when the girls come to us and whine how they have everyones clothes in their drawers.......right down to occassionally DADDY's socks and undies!!!!!!!!!

Ok, you say don't "sweat" the small stuff.........be grateful you have a husband willing to help out. You would have to LIVE it to know just how crazy such passive aggressive stuff makes everyone. Not to mention the constant bickering as to WHY no one can tell him ANYTHING or how he finally seems to get it, just maybe ,only to revert at will to doing his THING all over just to piss you off, with no regard for the chaos that results.

All you would have to do is come to my house to see I am not "fanatical" (after raising four children who can be?) But I do not understand why he insist on being so difficult over a simple task that is requested of him. Only "dissappoint" on purpose. Or it is "his way or the highway"............If you do say "just get out of the house" if you are not willing to be "coooperative" for productivities sake....(this is what he is aiming for anyway so he can squander time outside doing very little of anything or making a simple task take ALL DAY).....then you have to STOP what you are doing to be "goofer" (go for every tool he needs) .........or step and fetch it or to come ADMIRE and APPLAUD ANYTHING he does, every ten minutes.........so YOU cannot get anything done yourself.

Anyway, he is now (since he retirement it is a million times WORSE) an EXPERT DOMESTIC ENGINEER and has taken over the INSIDE of the house.  (he already had claimed sole ownership of the OUTSIDE, and is just as difficult regarding that) Our daughter actually had TWO baths in one night, because he totally shut me out when I told him, and SHE told him she had already had a bath!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We have three bags of potatoes right now..........cause he bought a bag and I bought a bag (not knowing he did) and it goes on and on and on.

He is a suddeningly  a "perfect parent" guy without "bothering to see" how imperfect he is. Nope it is just the appearence of "trying" or overkill, contrary passive aggressive attempts or spoiling or  two baths in one day cause HE IS NOW in charge and without flaw!!!!!!!!!!. He is jockying for custody...or trying to win our oldest to his side........with the poor Daddy's.....based on questionable motives.

How do you deal with this behavior..............he need to appear good when what he is doing is evil, EVERYDAY, while YOU try and do business and work at either getting THEM OUT....or getting out yourself.

I am sorry, as I know many of you have much more SEVERE abuse...........but HOW can you deal with this and much worse (in my case and others) while they work to UNDERMINE your objective and you know this is being done by them in the hope........... this makes you look harrassed, picky and incompetent? How do you deal with them hiding behind you (dealing with the 18 year old) and stand by and do NOTHING while your child gets away with calling you a "crazy bitch" cause they have allowed them to do whatever they want and you can't give "consequences" for such behavior that your husband doesn't UNDO, and therefore rendering YOU the REAL parent, totally ineffective?

I am shattered, exhausted, and frankly totally unable to "get out"  or succede in getting  him to get out, or  manage to focus on how to help myself  because of the raging "fires" he sits on his arse (if he isn't indulged like a child)  and fans the flames of.

He is a master,  BY NOW,  of  knowing how to do this, and I have begun to realize he LIKES this stuff and is hoping to drive me out. I have no where to go, that I can stay at for any length of time, and no money available (we have a lots of money in a retirement account I cannot tap to help myself without his cooperation)

Do I take out a loan, put an attorney on a credit card? There is NO way I can save enough, and couldn't seem to in the past. If I get a job, (like I could at my age......a decent one) he will just refuse to part with ANY money.........or poison the kids, or settle in and mistreat or make it VERY diffcult for me to even think about getting there on time or everyday and on and on.

HELP, I need some ideas.

I make too much money to go to a shelter, and here you have to go ONLY through the Sheriffs office and since I am not physically abused that is out.