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Replies to 'Ready for Marriage?'
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October 16, 2006, 2:00 pm PDT
 Quote From: debgirl27 hi i thank you for your opinion and am sorry to hear about your daughter it must be a horrific situation for you to be in as my own brother and sister in law are also hooked on crystal meth i can partially understand what you are going through. Even so it would be a lot harder with your own child. i believe that it is a very far reach, though, to compare my fiance with a meth addict as i have watched the lives of these addicts and their children melt around them. for 1 thing he is not looking at porn 24/7 nor needs it to survive. i can see a little resemblance. so my question to you is this. do you believe that it is possible for a loving gentle giving person to be hurt enough that they shut down conscience, trust in self, and empathy? and if so do you also believe that it is possible for this same person to melt and thaw with love, understanding, guidance, and respect? you see the man in this situation had shut down due to situations that he has been in and has started admitting feelings of guilt when he does these things. we talked last night and he asked me what i have been doing to him because the last time he looked at porn (which i know about and was before he said he would try) he could only look for a moment then started feeling pangs of guilt which he didn't understand. i explained that he was beginning to feel compassion and care about my feelings. now when a man is shown and taught in every male female relationship that porn is not only accepted but welcomed does it not stand to reason that he over the span of 10 years (entire dating life) would begin to believe that it is ok to briong this into a relationship. You do what your used to until you get used to something better. i am living proof that people can change when they are loved. i was one of the worst cheaters i knew through every relationship i had i havent cheated on him once nor do i even want to. in my eyes promises are made to be broken so i dont promise and would prefer if other people would not promise me. if he didnt mean it when he said he would try then i would be gone but as i am see remarkable effort and changes in him i think that it would be considerably unfair both to him and myself if i didnt do some trying myself. i refuse to give up on him as long as i am seeing progress. i am sure that even though you know for a fact that your daughter is a lost cause you continue to love her and try to get her help. As i said though the abundant difference between someone who is hooked on meth and some one who has never learned the right way to act in a relationship is just such a huge leap. i have some psychology experience and am trying to help him through this. if i gave up on him now that he is making progress i believe that it would probably be the worst mistake that i could make in this relationship. when a person asks for help as he did it shows that he is willing to try he is not making excuses for his behavior nor is he saying that its okay when he backslides, this does not have a death grip on him so we have time to get it right. i am very interested in hearing your comments and more about your daughter because i dont even know where to begin with my addicted family members and as horrible as it sounds i am glad that i have heard from you because i dont know anyone personally that i can talk to about it. I have to tell you that in no way do I believe my daughter is a lost cause. She is a loving gentle giving person also but apparently hurt horribly along the way somewhere and I am hoping that with love and understanding and firm, fair and consistent guidance she will evolve from this a much better person. So I suppose my answer to both of your questions is yes.
I know it is difficult to look at someone you love and even think that it is possible they have an addiction and I could be wrong, but when we were in rehab ( I say we because it really is a family ordeal) I learned that your brain does not know the difference between "drugs." Any addiction offers the same reaction in your brain, euphoria.
Unfortunately in children, rehab is only 7% successful. She was in the program for a year and did very well, but she met up with a 25 year old man (pedifile in my book) and fell right back into the trap. She knows she isn't strong enough to stay off the drug if it is front of her. She also knows she is powerless over her addiction, but she chose to move out of the house and live with this jerk, who began beating her even before she moved in.
There is an up side though, I still have the power for 2 more months. She came home yesterday and is still there today (yeah) doesn't mean she will stay but the longer she is home the better the chances are. I am in the process of obtaining a restraining order on her behalf and she called our Mental Health providers to schedule an appointment for Thursday. (baby steps for which I thank God) She only has until Thursday to show improvement and continue to do so or I am taking her to our local lock down facility to have her placed in in-patient care treatment.
Honestly I believe people can change if they want to. That is the key they have to want to and sometimes they have to admit they can't do it on their own. BUT we the people closest to them cannot help them, I can only provide the tools she has to do the rest. I can be supportive but she has to do the work. I have been doing this for 4 years now and have never given up, but I do have a limit and for my own health and sanity I have to stick to that limit.
I will never give up hope but in the same respect I will not enable her to continue to feed off of her family and manipulate us into a gutter with her. I believe whole heartedly that there is no other drug like meth and that it is (statistics show) the most addictive and hardest to kick drug out there as well as the most deadly.
I support you in your decision to support your guy and hope that it all turns out, but set your boundries as you should put yourself first.
If you can find a way to intervine with your brother and sister-in-law, do it. Check out the show intervention on A&E. It is on Sunday nights at 10PM Pacific time. They do some awsome things.
My other suggestion in your relationship is to make sure the problems are fixed before the marriage. I have been there and it just isn't fun to get divorced especially with kids involved.
Take care hun, I will remember you in my prayers. R |
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