Replies to 'Coping with the Death of a Child'

  The hole in your heart will always be there, but in a few years, if the doctors were to do surgery and open you heart they would see the hole closed, but a weak closure. It will be strong enough to allow the heart to work well again, enjoy life and even laugh (and actually feel the joy) most of the time. But you'll find it will sometimes develope a little leak and that  pain will be there. The hole just won't completely heal, no matter how hard you try.

  But, that's OK. You'll learn to deal with it. I think it's perhaps like suffering a severe physical injury, such as losing a leg, or becoming paralized. I would think a person would not be able to say they're OK that it happened, they just learn to create a world adjusted to or in spite of  the handicap.

  In the meantime, may I offer a few words of advice. You are new to your intense grief. It's going to be with you a while, it may even come to be a friend. Don't try to fight it or pretend it's not there. I say this because you may find as time goes on, friends may think you should be "over" it. (They mean well, they just don't understand.)  You may even believe you should be over it. You may desperately want to be. But, I'll tell you now, you won't ever be over it. You'll just come to  place of acceptance. Not necessarily an acceptance of his death being OK. But an acceptance of--it happened and I can't change it. He's dead and I'm not. If I have to be stuck in this life without my son, then I'm going to figure out a way to be happy!

   Friends and family may wear out , please get yourself a counselor. Someone who will let you cry, be angry or whatever you need to do. Week after week if necessary. Until you just get tired of doing it.

   Putting on the happy face and going to work can be pure torture. Especially when you just want to crawl under the covers and lick your wounds. If there is anyway financially to do this, then do it. FOR A WHILE. Not the rest of your life.

   My son died in 1995. I've made many mistakes in dealing with the loss. Please keep putting one foot in front of the other.  Take 2 steps forward and sometimes 5 steps backward, but don't give up. That inner strength you speak of is indeed within you.