Message Boards
Replies to '09/07 Dark Family Secrets'
|
September 8, 2005, 7:13 am PDT
 Quote From: looking4me Im not really afraid to find a therapist. Its almost like I would be prying the lid of a cemented coffin. When I have opened up to people, I have often been met with misunderstanding or ridicule. The past only impedes me from trusting people. I do have serious trust issues, and when people get to know me, they learn that as well as learn that I dont get close, and I hurt them in opening up only enough for them to see the scar but not enough to let them in. They may not know the cause of the scar, only they are wary because I essentially say nonverbally "look here see my scar see what has happened to me? Now get away from me because I wont let you scar me too. " And most of these people are good people who want to be my friend who want to care, but I dont let them. THe small few who havent been put off by this, accept this about me, and chastise me only when I do not turn to them when I am in real need. But I do not turn to people for help, unless it is my last possible option, and I do it begrudgingly an apologetically. As though I am supposed to be supergirl. I know this is because of my past relationships. The funny thing is I feel other peoples needs and I want to help them and I volunteer all the time. I am currently feeling the pull to go back home to the gulf coast to help out there, and I plan to do so as soon as I can. I am a military spouse and the life suits me because I get to be strong for the whole family when Daddy is deployed. I have so much to give, and I can be open to give, just not when people need to show me they love me. I cant need... does that make any sense? It makes all the sense in the world... I am not qualified to tell any one person how to deal with their individual situaltion...i am very vocal on the topic in general...but i ssooooooo understand what you feel...you could be describing me...i had to seek counselling because i came to a point where it was get help or live the rest of my life like i am living right now....isolated...lonely...no friends....several failed relationships under my belt...ostracized by my family...and i don't want to live like this anymore...i guess only each of us know ourselves and how bad we will let things get before we reach out...
I understand what you feel because of the misunderstanding and ridicule you are met with when you try to address this issue in your life...i lost my family because of it...i may have lost my son ...and my daughter? i sometimes feel she only stays with me because she feels obligated...i suffer intense guilt over how, my need to do what I need to do, has affected my children even though they are grown now.
I was silenced by my family's refusal to "deal" with this and when I could no longer be silent and I had to choose ...it was either silence or my own sanity...I chose me... and i paid dearly.
...would i do it differently??? maybe...maybe i'd choose the path where my kids had relatives who invited them to familiy funcitons while their mother was in the psyc ward. Oh... my family would visit me faithfully like a good family does and they would look at me compassionatly as i take my medictation. and shake their heads in sorrow for me. |
|
Return to the Message Board
