Replies to '04/02 In-Law Threats'

It really is amazing to spend your entire life (I'm 50) believing you shouldn't 'rock the boat' and that 'Honor thy mother and thy father' means allowing them to do anything they want to do to you and yours and that we must obey them no matter what, when and where. I did the same as you and cried countless teardrops into my pillow, not only because of my in-laws, but also because of my own parents.

Recently I have begun to stop letting them intimidate me. My mothers response to lets set some boundaries was choose to have no direct contact with me. She's been one step away from it for the past two years anyway, and, unlike the in-laws on the show, she actually makes very little effort to see or have contact with her grandchildren and great-grandchildren. It's all about her.

Now I wonder how we deal with the hole in our hearts from having a parent (or in-law) that decides since she can't have it her way, she won't have it at all. And just like Patti on today's show, she always states 'they made me do it,' or I was sick, or whatever the excuse of the day is (including complete denial, of course).

You are so very right that it is far better not having the intimidation, cursing, name calling, and so forth in your life and your family's. But it is also hard to live with the pain of having a parent who lacks the devotion to family to put their own feelings aside enough to actually be a parent. After looking around on the web site, it looks to me like my mother is passive-aggressive and I felt that Patti might be also. They certainly have no ownership in their own behavior.

I dont have to obey my in-laws anymore because they are no longer living. I am finally becoming the female head of my family. One good thing has come from all that Ive been through I know how NOT to treat my children and grandchildren. We all have a wonderful relationship for the most part. There is certainly not any name-calling and so forth. My children and their families love to visit and we almost always have lots of fun together.

I am so grateful that I finally learned not to keep talking about the negative stuff and instead put those efforts into having fun together. Its so much healthier and happier for everyone, most of all the little ones.

I strongly support your message that it is indeed far better to do what is right - for the children as well as yourself and your marriage. If the extended family is so full of issues that they choose to disown you for taking the higher path, then so be it.

Now I have to learn how to get my grown children to understand why it is better this way, because they disagree. They think family is family and if thats the way their grandmother is, well just have to tolerate it. Ouch. Now this I do worry about, because they think I should do more than I've done all these years to keep peace with my mother. They believe there is some other answer out there that I'm missing or that I should keep tolerating her behavior.

My adult life and raising my children would have been SO much better if I'd learned to get a backbone twenty or thirty years ago! I'll take late better than never, though!

For the record, my husband has stayed mute for both his parents and mine. I always thought it should be that each child should be the referee for their parents, but had no one to back me up on it. I LOVE having Dr. Phil in my corner!