Replies to 'The Meaning of "Family"'

I have a similar situation, but have been trying to work all of our relationships out.  Anyway, I would suggest contacting a University pych. department.  I have resently visited a therapist through a University and he was/is very good at his job. If your husband and/or son would be willing to go with you, all the better.  Your one step ahead of me if the whole family is willing to go.

Wow, this must be so difficult for you!! When your husband says the comments, like you only want to play a game to entertain your son, does he say that in front of your son, and does your son pick up on this animosity? Even if he doesn't, I'm sure that your son feels the tension/animosity between the two of you, and he most likely feels confused and wondering how could he make things better for you, mom....which is a very sad way to feel for him.

 

Its great that you are looking for a family councelor, yes it can feel overwhelming when there are so many...but I urge you to just pick one ASAP...if you meet the councelor and you don't 'click', then you just pick another one. This happened to me- I didn't click with my first councelor that I tried, and it turned me off from counceling for a few years, but now looking back on it-- I can admit that at that time in my life I used it as an excuse to not go to counceling because I think that at that point in my life I was not ready to accept happiness for myself. I hope this isn't the case for you!! I'm sure its not, you are torn between two people you love very, very much.  It sounds like there are so many other things that are going good for you in your life, your marriage, etc., so please don't waste another day, call and make an appt. with a therepist NOW.

   

   

  Papa Bear, is not secure in his role.  He feels you are too protective of your son, and are too involved- this "Threat" is that your boy won't be strong, but a "mama's boy".  I went through the same thing a couple of years ago with my then 4 year old and my new husband.  My husband was right. I did baby my son too much. I did a lot of no good work, and my 6 year old cries like a baby over too much stuff now. He backs talks me, but not my husband.   

   

  I would suggest, to your husband that he and your son get involved in a father son thing like "Young Marines, or Boy Scouts, or something of that nature.  This way they have more of a one on one relationship, and so long as your husband is not physcially striking your son, or verbally abusive with name calling like "Stupid, or Loser" etc. Or teasing him in a mean way all the time--  Then your husband is probably more about being frustrated at your son's lack of playing alone- which can be a good exercise in character building self worth and self esteem in the right doses.  He's your man, so you know better than I.   

   

 Your husband is not wrong in his desires.  A lot of therapist often criminalize the man for being a male- and so long as your husband is not doing drugs, drinking, or other harmful behaviors, then there is no reason all this argument should be going on. He has a role to play in your boys life, and allowing him to do his job to raise that boy to be a man. Let him do it.   

   

 It is our duty as mom's to make sure we raise MEN, and that is why MEN were created to help us raise our sons to be men, and not over emotional wet blankets with no spine.  It's a 70/30 split at this point, and your son looks to you for protection. Just as my son did.  As moms we do our son's no favors. Life is tough and the sooner they learn to be tough, the better off they will be in the long run.  That is your husbands job.   

   

  If I were you, I would sit down with my husband and lay out some ground rules.  Like no hitting with a belt, and if your boy goes off the deep end in rebellion (as mine did) then find out your son's currency and use it.   If it's privacy, take off his bedroom door, if it's his collection-- confiscate it.   

Give your husband more power, and you hold the "Mother Bear Veto" where you can disagree with your husband, but you never discuss that infront of your son. Always a united front.   We women do not do our son's any favors when we don't allow our men to teach our boys to be men.  Even if it means a few spilled tears and a "That's not fair".   he's 13.. it's time.   

I am going throught the same thing. My husband hates my 20 year old son. He says the same things to him that your husband says about your son. My son had to move back in after being on his own and my husband was unbearable. My husband has 2 children that live with us and I get along great with them. I expect the same treatment for my children. I have a younger son that is 14. My husband is nicer to him but I fear my younger son will eventually receive the same treatment. My husband acts like he's jealous! It doesn't make sense to me. He is very mean to my son. I eventually left my husband over this. It is very painful for me. I love this man but I love my children more. I will not let anyone be mean to my children. If your son is a decent man I would say you've done a great job raising him. Stick to your guns on this one. You only have one chance in life. Your children look up to their parents at all ages. I'm sure your son knows how your husband feels about him even if your husband doesn't say anything to him. My son knew. I have so much quilt for staying as long as I did, but I was trying to make it work. We went to counseling and the counselor agreed with me so my husband wouldn't go back. Your husband should love those that you love, or at least show them respect because he loves you. I know how much you hurt over this, it tore me apart. I feel as though I've made the right decision. My family didn't like this man because of the way he has treated my son. My kids and I have a great relationship and they know how much I love them. That's all I need in my life. Good luck to you. I hope you find the help you need.