Replies to 'Coping with the Death of a Child'

Losing a child at any time is a terrible thing.  It doesn't matter how old or how young.

I have a friend who lost a child in an accident at age 20.  It was sudden and she couldn't say goodbye.

My child was sick for a whole year.  I was able to tell that little bugger that I loved him over and over and over.  It didn't help with the grieving.  I was alway hopeful he would get better, but he knew he was loved and I would be with him again someday.

Losing a child like you did would be so hard.  You have so many dreams of holding and raising  your child.  It is hard to hold your faith at a time like this, but I like to think God took my little guy so he wouldn't suffer and he is my angel forever.  Knowing this would happen, would I change ever having him? No.

Your husband sounds like he deals with his grief just like mine.  Just remember, everyone deals with things differently.  He still loves you, but is so tormented just like you are. 

Will you try to have another?  If so, be happy and know whatever happens, you are a wonderful young women that will be a wonderful mommy someday one way or another.

I am praying for you and the pain you are going through.  It sucks to be in this club doesn't it?  Losing a child really does suck!

 Perhaps the greatest of every pregnant mother's fear, among many others, is losing the child before it is born.  Unfotunately, some people don't even think of it as losing a child because it wasn't born yet.  I am assuming at least most of those people don't even know anybody who has lost a child that way. If you encounter that nonsense, don't let it get to you, those people are just VERY ignorant.   Your loss is still very recent - only a few months. And to rub salt in the gaping wound, it happened on the day that traditionally declares your adulthood.  As long as your husband is moving through his grief and not getting stuck in it, he is doing what men typically do.  If you can, try to find a support group in your area.  Other moms feel the need for support like you do.  Another woman will probably be more able to give you emotional support than a man.  Not all men are that way, but most just are.  You would probably benefit from some one-on-one counseling with a therapist, but that can be expensive if you don't have coverage, and most plans that do only provide for 20 visits. Check your medical plan if you have one.   That may be all you need, anyway.  Person to person interaction is best, but if you can't do that, try finding an online support group.  You can find local places online. This strange culture of ours is very weird about death.  Even "healthy" people don't often like to talk about it. I have had to deal with a great deal of grief in my life, and if you want somebody to email to,  you are welcome to write to me any time.  I don't check my email every day, though, so it might be a few days before I respond.  Take heart. As I have told my son about his brother's death, it will never be the same  (without him) but it will be less miserable (as time goes by) you can email me at:  starfish6193@yahoo.com  My name is Eve..

Amanda,

It saddens me greatly to hear your story, and that your loss happened on your 21st birthday, what a sad day for you.  I know how it feels to have a body that has failed.  I lost my baby when I was 19 weeks pregnant.  I lost little Ella on January 14th 2003.  This was the saddest darkest day of my life.  Amanda sadly people love to throw shocking comments your way like.  Its natures way of getting rid of things that are wrong.  Some people just don't get it .  Whether your 6 weeks or 36 weeks pregnant you have bonded with your child and made future plans.  You have visualized who they will be, who they will look like.  Sweetheart your body hasn't failed and neither have you.  Some things in life we have absolutely no control over.  On the 12th January 2004 I gave birth to a beautiful healthy boy who is now 3.  Not a day goes by when I don't think of Ella, she was so beautiful.  I still think where she would be now and it hurts soo much to have never seen her smile or laugh or hear her say mum I love you.  I am lucky though as I have 2 beautiful living children a 3 year old boy and a 6 year old girl and they share all there special milestones with me.  But there is always a special place in my soul that dreams of Ella and who she would be today.  Amanda I hope with all my heart that you go on and have a beautiful baby as it is the most healing and empowering thing you can go through when things go right.  Only %2 of pregnancies go wrong.  You will have a child one day sooner than later and I wish you all the happiness.  Your partner needs to know it is OK to grieve differently but you guys need to share your burden of grief.  You need to love and care for each other.  And most importantly you need to give each other the respect and space to grieve the right way for you.  In Australia we have a support group called SANDS which is a support group for parents who have had stillbirths, neonatal deaths and miscarriages.  You need to find a similar group so you can get some support from people who have been through something similar then you will not feel so alone.

 

Take care Amanda

Best wishes

Megan

 

 Please dont feel like its your body failing you when its not...many times a miscarriage is your bodies way of getting rid of a baby who is ill with diff things like down syndrom or other more sever condidtions. and many of the conditions are random occurance that will never happen again. my daugther died shortly before birth from Edwards syndom or trisomy 18 and most pregnancy with that end in a missacarriage. And theres not adivce or anything anyone can say to help you move on you will do it in your own time. I wish you luck with any other pregnancy you have. and if you ever need to talk my name is Sarah and you can find me on aim at sasa412388.

I have had 3 miscarriages & 3 successful pregnancies.  I have also lost one child at the age of  23 in a tragic accident.  While miscarriage is a shock to your system, both mentally & physically, it may be a blessing for you.  I know that God won't give you more than you can handle. I looked at my miscarriages as God's way to say, that there is something wrong with the baby that you can't handle right now.  Maybe he knows what is best for you &  your situatioin.  Don't give up on having a child.  It may seem like the weight is on your heart, but when everything is right, you'll be able to have a child.  Only god can give you the answers to the right time.  Take care of yourself, get active, do something a little different or radical, move forward toward a personal goal.  Who knows maybe this time next year you'll have some good news for the show!