Replies to 'Black Sheep of the Family?'

Thankyou  for your advice and for reading this long story...

Well, things over the past few weeks got progressively worse and more and more dysfunctional.  I tried to leave early and return late, and avoid them for the most part, but it doesn't seem to matter what I do, they resent it and find some way to make me sound like a villain.  The interesting thing is that I have felt like such a huge burden was lifted off my shoulders when I realized that, I can't be as bad as they say I am.   I can't really be responsible for "all of the family's problems".  I don't have problems in other relationships in my life-- just them.  I know that I am definitely partly responsible for how bad things got-- I do have a bad temper, and after a certain threshold point, I lost it and yelled at them recently, which I regret.  I just felt like I was at the end of my rope.  Who cares anymore? How much dysfunction can you take before you just lose your control?  I guess I need to work on keeping mine.  And when I do lose it, like I did this last week, then it adds more fuel to their fire and suddenly EVERYthing is my fault again and they have new proof.   It is really tempting for me to take completely and total blame, because i have been told everything is my fault for years-- but when I realized that I am not solely resonpsible for the mess, I have started to feel a lot healthier, in spite of being so sad that I seem to be losing my familiy.  I just really dont think this will ever get straightened out, they refuse to talk to me, and when they do, it is never a real conversation, but a laundry list of all my "evils" -- most of them widely distorted, some outright inventions, a few based on real mistakes I made.  Just yesterday got in a huge argument with them and got kicked out the house.  I am still excited about grad school and plugging away harder than ever, my advisor (a professor who I really respect, and look upon as more of a father figure) has been so supportive, and clearly has been worried about me-- just having that one person who seems to CARE has really helped me get through this.  I am going to find some way to get money for rent and still try to apply to grad schools....I think I can get another loan out.  Then maybe if I work really hard over the summer I can avoid going too much into the hole.  So Im optimistic about my life still...but very hurt about the family...and the fact that they seem to resent my optimism about school, and tell me I'm being selfish.  I can only hope that one day -- maybe after Ive been away for a while-- maybe things will change.  I know the effort is going to have to come from me though, and I dont have energy for it right now.  My parents think that Im making a martyr out of myself.  But it is not a position I want!!!  I sure as heck wish that it didn't have to be this way.

Thankyou  for your advice and for reading this long story...

Well, things over the past few weeks got progressively worse and more and more dysfunctional.  I tried to leave early and return late, and avoid them for the most part, but it doesn't seem to matter what I do, they resent it and find some way to make me sound like a villain.  The interesting thing is that I have felt like such a huge burden was lifted off my shoulders when I realized that, I can't be as bad as they say I am.   I can't really be responsible for "all of the family's problems".  I don't have problems in other relationships in my life-- just them.  I know that I am definitely partly responsible for how bad things got-- I do have a bad temper, and after a certain threshold point, I lost it and yelled at them recently, which I regret.  I just felt like I was at the end of my rope.  Who cares anymore? How much dysfunction can you take before you just lose your control?  I guess I need to work on keeping mine.  And when I do lose it, like I did this last week, then it adds more fuel to their fire and suddenly EVERYthing is my fault again and they have new proof.   It is really tempting for me to take completely and total blame, because i have been told everything is my fault for years-- but when I realized that I am not solely resonpsible for the mess, I have started to feel a lot healthier, in spite of being so sad that I seem to be losing my familiy.  I just really dont think this will ever get straightened out, they refuse to talk to me, and when they do, it is never a real conversation, but a laundry list of all my "evils" -- most of them widely distorted, some outright inventions, a few based on real mistakes I made.  Just yesterday got in a huge argument with them and got kicked out the house.  I am still excited about grad school and plugging away harder than ever, my advisor (a professor who I really respect, and look upon as more of a father figure) has been so supportive, and clearly has been worried about me-- just having that one person who seems to CARE has really helped me get through this.  I am going to find some way to get money for rent and still try to apply to grad schools....I think I can get another loan out.  Then maybe if I work really hard over the summer I can avoid going too much into the hole.  So Im optimistic about my life still...but very hurt about the family...and the fact that they seem to resent my optimism about school, and tell me I'm being selfish.  I can only hope that one day -- maybe after Ive been away for a while-- maybe things will change.  I know the effort is going to have to come from me though, and I dont have energy for it right now.  My parents think that Im making a martyr out of myself.  But it is not a position I want!!!  I sure as heck wish that it didn't have to be this way.

Thankyou  for your advice and for reading this long story...

Well, things over the past few weeks got progressively worse and more and more dysfunctional.  I tried to leave early and return late, and avoid them for the most part, but it doesn't seem to matter what I do, they resent it and find some way to make me sound like a villain.  The interesting thing is that I have felt like such a huge burden was lifted off my shoulders when I realized that, I can't be as bad as they say I am.   I can't really be responsible for "all of the family's problems".  I don't have problems in other relationships in my life-- just them.  I know that I am definitely partly responsible for how bad things got-- I do have a bad temper, and after a certain threshold point, I lost it and yelled at them recently, which I regret.  I just felt like I was at the end of my rope.  Who cares anymore? How much dysfunction can you take before you just lose your control?  I guess I need to work on keeping mine.  And when I do lose it, like I did this last week, then it adds more fuel to their fire and suddenly EVERYthing is my fault again and they have new proof.   It is really tempting for me to take completely and total blame, because i have been told everything is my fault for years-- but when I realized that I am not solely resonpsible for the mess, I have started to feel a lot healthier, in spite of being so sad that I seem to be losing my familiy.  I just really dont think this will ever get straightened out, they refuse to talk to me, and when they do, it is never a real conversation, but a laundry list of all my "evils" -- most of them widely distorted, some outright inventions, a few based on real mistakes I made.  Just yesterday got in a huge argument with them and got kicked out the house.  I am still excited about grad school and plugging away harder than ever, my advisor (a professor who I really respect, and look upon as more of a father figure) has been so supportive, and clearly has been worried about me-- just having that one person who seems to CARE has really helped me get through this.  I am going to find some way to get money for rent and still try to apply to grad schools....I think I can get another loan out.  Then maybe if I work really hard over the summer I can avoid going too much into the hole.  So Im optimistic about my life still...but very hurt about the family...and the fact that they seem to resent my optimism about school, and tell me I'm being selfish.  I can only hope that one day -- maybe after Ive been away for a while-- maybe things will change.  I know the effort is going to have to come from me though, and I dont have energy for it right now.  My parents think that Im making a martyr out of myself.  But it is not a position I want!!!  I sure as heck wish that it didn't have to be this way.

Thankyou  for your advice and for reading this long story...

Well, things over the past few weeks got progressively worse and more and more dysfunctional.  I tried to leave early and return late, and avoid them for the most part, but it doesn't seem to matter what I do, they resent it and find some way to make me sound like a villain.  The interesting thing is that I have felt like such a huge burden was lifted off my shoulders when I realized that, I can't be as bad as they say I am.   I can't really be responsible for "all of the family's problems".  I don't have problems in other relationships in my life-- just them.  I know that I am definitely partly responsible for how bad things got-- I do have a bad temper, and after a certain threshold point, I lost it and yelled at them recently, which I regret.  I just felt like I was at the end of my rope.  Who cares anymore? How much dysfunction can you take before you just lose your control?  I guess I need to work on keeping mine.  And when I do lose it, like I did this last week, then it adds more fuel to their fire and suddenly EVERYthing is my fault again and they have new proof.   It is really tempting for me to take completely and total blame, because i have been told everything is my fault for years-- but when I realized that I am not solely resonpsible for the mess, I have started to feel a lot healthier, in spite of being so sad that I seem to be losing my familiy.  I just really dont think this will ever get straightened out, they refuse to talk to me, and when they do, it is never a real conversation, but a laundry list of all my "evils" -- most of them widely distorted, some outright inventions, a few based on real mistakes I made.  Just yesterday got in a huge argument with them and got kicked out the house.  I am still excited about grad school and plugging away harder than ever, my advisor (a professor who I really respect, and look upon as more of a father figure) has been so supportive, and clearly has been worried about me-- just having that one person who seems to CARE has really helped me get through this.  I am going to find some way to get money for rent and still try to apply to grad schools....I think I can get another loan out.  Then maybe if I work really hard over the summer I can avoid going too much into the hole.  So Im optimistic about my life still...but very hurt about the family...and the fact that they seem to resent my optimism about school, and tell me I'm being selfish.  I can only hope that one day -- maybe after Ive been away for a while-- maybe things will change.  I know the effort is going to have to come from me though, and I dont have energy for it right now.  My parents think that Im making a martyr out of myself.  But it is not a position I want!!!  I sure as heck wish that it didn't have to be this way.

Thankyou  for your advice and for reading this long story...

Well, things over the past few weeks got progressively worse and more and more dysfunctional.  I tried to leave early and return late, and avoid them for the most part, but it doesn't seem to matter what I do, they resent it and find some way to make me sound like a villain.  The interesting thing is that I have felt like such a huge burden was lifted off my shoulders when I realized that, I can't be as bad as they say I am.   I can't really be responsible for "all of the family's problems".  I don't have problems in other relationships in my life-- just them.  I know that I am definitely partly responsible for how bad things got-- I do have a bad temper, and after a certain threshold point, I lost it and yelled at them recently, which I regret.  I just felt like I was at the end of my rope.  Who cares anymore? How much dysfunction can you take before you just lose your control?  I guess I need to work on keeping mine.  And when I do lose it, like I did this last week, then it adds more fuel to their fire and suddenly EVERYthing is my fault again and they have new proof.   It is really tempting for me to take completely and total blame, because i have been told everything is my fault for years-- but when I realized that I am not solely resonpsible for the mess, I have started to feel a lot healthier, in spite of being so sad that I seem to be losing my familiy.  I just really dont think this will ever get straightened out, they refuse to talk to me, and when they do, it is never a real conversation, but a laundry list of all my "evils" -- most of them widely distorted, some outright inventions, a few based on real mistakes I made.  Just yesterday got in a huge argument with them and got kicked out the house.  I am still excited about grad school and plugging away harder than ever, my advisor (a professor who I really respect, and look upon as more of a father figure) has been so supportive, and clearly has been worried about me-- just having that one person who seems to CARE has really helped me get through this.  I am going to find some way to get money for rent and still try to apply to grad schools....I think I can get another loan out.  Then maybe if I work really hard over the summer I can avoid going too much into the hole.  So Im optimistic about my life still...but very hurt about the family...and the fact that they seem to resent my optimism about school, and tell me I'm being selfish.  I can only hope that one day -- maybe after Ive been away for a while-- maybe things will change.  I know the effort is going to have to come from me though, and I dont have energy for it right now.  My parents think that Im making a martyr out of myself.  But it is not a position I want!!!  I sure as heck wish that it didn't have to be this way.