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Replies to '12/26 Cheating Disasters'
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October 30, 2006, 8:52 am PST
 Quote From: jade1980 I am currently in the middle of a divorce and am very confused on where my life stands. I am a 26-year-old mother of two (ages 5 & 3). I previously married my High School sweetheart and after a son & 1 1/2 years of marriage I filed for a divorce. He was extremely abusive and an alcoholic. It was very easy for me to walk away from that marriage and have no regrets. I married my husband within a year of my divorce. We have been married for almost 4 years now and have a daughter together. He also was married prior for 13 years and has two teenagers from his ex. Let me also add that my husband is 16 years older than I. He is pretty set in his ways and there is NO room for change with him. He has basically said from the start of our marriage that "if I didn't like it, there's the door." About a year and a half into our marriage I had heard that phrase one too many times and left. I moved into my parent's house and within a few weeks had started dating someone else. I ended up coming back home after a month or two and trying to start fresh, Tony doesn't hold this over my head so much since he had repeatedly told me to go. It was basically same old same old arguments and I left again. I went to my parent's again, but within a couple weeks was back home thinking I was going to work it out with my husband. Within a week of being home and trying to make things ok, I left, moved in with another man (friend of a friends) which in turn became an affair. MY husband filed for a divorce during that time, but started raking me over the coals about our daughter & custody. He basically begged me to come home and I agreed, as I wanted too also. It has been over 2 years and I live this every day of my life. I should add that I take medicine daily for bipolar disorder, which wasn't found until I had the affair. My husband was the one who pointed out the problem and who I though understood it as he researched a lot about it. After signing off on our first filing for a divorce, he filed again in April of 2006. We are still living together, etc. but I am the most depressed person ever! He knows how I am feeling and basically has told me it's a straight convenience marriage. I do love my husband and for the last 6 months have been busting my butt to show him. I have told him twice now that I would leave and he tells me just enough to keep me during that time. His ex also had and affair as well as a prior serious ex girlfriend and his Mother who has since passed away. My husband's Sister also just had an affair and is in the process of a divorce. My husband has told me that I am getting it 10 fold from all of the other affairs that he has suffered through and never dealt with. I would love for us to try to make this work, but he just tells me give it time and it MAY work, but no promises. I almost feel like I owe him time, yet feel I cannot pay for my mistakes forever. I know I will probably get bashed by many of you and I understand that, but I would love outsiders opinions on this.
Deeply Depressed in Indiana I am 23 years old. My husband is also 16 years older than I am. He will be 40 in January. I know what you mean by being set in their ways. He is very much that. He is not mean. But we disagree on things everyday because he has been through this world alot more than I have, especially by him being in the military. I made a male friend and it led to a kiss. After the kiss, I made everything stop. I didn't have a physical affair with sex, but with a kiss. I did have an emotion affair, because my husband has an ex-wife of 11 years and he also had two teenage daughters, they are ages 12 and 15. I've been through alot of crap with the ex-wife. You probably know where I am coming from. My story is long, but I will make it short. If you would like to talk to me then I will tell you more in detail and try to help you. It would take me 20 pages to tell all the details. Which do help because you can compare. I lied to my husband and he found my cell bill. He had a physical affair on me two months after he had found out for revenge. I never knew. He told me almost a year later. He wanted me to know because he wanted to show me how it felt. The night he told me I left and took our 3 year old son with me to my parents house. I lived with them for a month. The thing was that my husband told me he cheated but he said it was a one time thing. So, while I was living with my parents, I went to my home and found out different. There is alot to that there. I won't discuss it unless you ask me to. It would take me about 30 lines just for details and that doesn't even include how I feel and how he justified it. And the big blow up with the mistress who was 4 years younger than me and worked at Hooters! Anyways, I lied to him about the little i did for over a year. I told him the whole truth when I lived at my parents. He wanted a divorce because he didn't think we could make it through because I used to verbally abuse him and he went through a pow wow with his ex-wife. He was really wanting it to work because he was getting older and had been through hell for the past 11 years with hs ex-wife. He didn't want to die old and lonely. He knew he had to do something. he didn't want to live miserably for the rest of his life, just so that he could be married. Anyways, we got back together. We moved from TN to KY because of the military and it has been alot better. It has been hard, but better by moving away from the turmoil and the parties involved including his ex-wife., but bad for his two girls. They are special to me and I do love them. Well, you can ask me questions if you like. I have tons more to say but i would be typing all day long. Good Luck! Hang on if you really want it to work. don't do it just for the kids. Kids will heal but it takes time and love from both parents. Forgive but you never forget. you only forgive someone if you mean it 100% from your heart. Once you forgive someone you are supposed to let it all go and that is after you have discussed and got everything out in the open that needs to be in order for your life to go on smoothly after that. |
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October 31, 2006, 2:43 pm PST
Quote From: jade1980 I am currently in the middle of a divorce and am very confused on where my life stands. I am a 26-year-old mother of two (ages 5 & 3). I previously married my High School sweetheart and after a son & 1 1/2 years of marriage I filed for a divorce. He was extremely abusive and an alcoholic. It was very easy for me to walk away from that marriage and have no regrets. I married my husband within a year of my divorce. We have been married for almost 4 years now and have a daughter together. He also was married prior for 13 years and has two teenagers from his ex. Let me also add that my husband is 16 years older than I. He is pretty set in his ways and there is NO room for change with him. He has basically said from the start of our marriage that "if I didn't like it, there's the door." About a year and a half into our marriage I had heard that phrase one too many times and left. I moved into my parent's house and within a few weeks had started dating someone else. I ended up coming back home after a month or two and trying to start fresh, Tony doesn't hold this over my head so much since he had repeatedly told me to go. It was basically same old same old arguments and I left again. I went to my parent's again, but within a couple weeks was back home thinking I was going to work it out with my husband. Within a week of being home and trying to make things ok, I left, moved in with another man (friend of a friends) which in turn became an affair. MY husband filed for a divorce during that time, but started raking me over the coals about our daughter & custody. He basically begged me to come home and I agreed, as I wanted too also. It has been over 2 years and I live this every day of my life. I should add that I take medicine daily for bipolar disorder, which wasn't found until I had the affair. My husband was the one who pointed out the problem and who I though understood it as he researched a lot about it. After signing off on our first filing for a divorce, he filed again in April of 2006. We are still living together, etc. but I am the most depressed person ever! He knows how I am feeling and basically has told me it's a straight convenience marriage. I do love my husband and for the last 6 months have been busting my butt to show him. I have told him twice now that I would leave and he tells me just enough to keep me during that time. His ex also had and affair as well as a prior serious ex girlfriend and his Mother who has since passed away. My husband's Sister also just had an affair and is in the process of a divorce. My husband has told me that I am getting it 10 fold from all of the other affairs that he has suffered through and never dealt with. I would love for us to try to make this work, but he just tells me give it time and it MAY work, but no promises. I almost feel like I owe him time, yet feel I cannot pay for my mistakes forever. I know I will probably get bashed by many of you and I understand that, but I would love outsiders opinions on this.
Deeply Depressed in Indiana Hi Deeply Depressed in Indiana,
I believe when you cheat - the relationship will not be the same anymore. Cheating destroys trust. Trust is the hardest thing to build especially in this day and age. So I can't really blame him if he has doubts. No one forgets when their spouse cheated on them.
I think you should just move on with him and see where the relationship goes. Let him know that you regret your adultery and that you wont do that again. If he is a good person with a big heart, one day after his hurt heals, he will forgive you. You should be patient and understanding of his situation. |
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October 31, 2006, 5:26 pm PST
Quote From: jade1980 I am currently in the middle of a divorce and am very confused on where my life stands. I am a 26-year-old mother of two (ages 5 & 3). I previously married my High School sweetheart and after a son & 1 1/2 years of marriage I filed for a divorce. He was extremely abusive and an alcoholic. It was very easy for me to walk away from that marriage and have no regrets. I married my husband within a year of my divorce. We have been married for almost 4 years now and have a daughter together. He also was married prior for 13 years and has two teenagers from his ex. Let me also add that my husband is 16 years older than I. He is pretty set in his ways and there is NO room for change with him. He has basically said from the start of our marriage that "if I didn't like it, there's the door." About a year and a half into our marriage I had heard that phrase one too many times and left. I moved into my parent's house and within a few weeks had started dating someone else. I ended up coming back home after a month or two and trying to start fresh, Tony doesn't hold this over my head so much since he had repeatedly told me to go. It was basically same old same old arguments and I left again. I went to my parent's again, but within a couple weeks was back home thinking I was going to work it out with my husband. Within a week of being home and trying to make things ok, I left, moved in with another man (friend of a friends) which in turn became an affair. MY husband filed for a divorce during that time, but started raking me over the coals about our daughter & custody. He basically begged me to come home and I agreed, as I wanted too also. It has been over 2 years and I live this every day of my life. I should add that I take medicine daily for bipolar disorder, which wasn't found until I had the affair. My husband was the one who pointed out the problem and who I though understood it as he researched a lot about it. After signing off on our first filing for a divorce, he filed again in April of 2006. We are still living together, etc. but I am the most depressed person ever! He knows how I am feeling and basically has told me it's a straight convenience marriage. I do love my husband and for the last 6 months have been busting my butt to show him. I have told him twice now that I would leave and he tells me just enough to keep me during that time. His ex also had and affair as well as a prior serious ex girlfriend and his Mother who has since passed away. My husband's Sister also just had an affair and is in the process of a divorce. My husband has told me that I am getting it 10 fold from all of the other affairs that he has suffered through and never dealt with. I would love for us to try to make this work, but he just tells me give it time and it MAY work, but no promises. I almost feel like I owe him time, yet feel I cannot pay for my mistakes forever. I know I will probably get bashed by many of you and I understand that, but I would love outsiders opinions on this.
Deeply Depressed in Indiana I think you are running from yourself and I know the kind of deep emotional lost you are feeling.
You want to keep gong back to where you feel comfortable, ( with your Husband). that relationship doesn't sound very happy or healthy for either of you.
Get yourself into theraphy, and put one step in front of the other until you are mentally on better ground. It will help you to understand why you want to stay in this relationship and you will learn about yourself. What once looked like the only way will amaze you as to why you ever wanted to be there in the first place. STAY OUT OF A NEW RELATIONSHIP UNTIL YOU HAVE DONE THE WORK ON YOURSELF. "NOTHING CHANGES IF NOTHING CHANGES".
The Change needs to start with you. You will give yourself a chance at happiness and you will gain the ability to deal with life on lifes terms. Life is NEVER easy, we are complicated. Stuff is always happening. Whenever my husband and I go through a tuff situtation, he says, Whew, I'm glad that's over. I tell him enjoy it. Life happens.
If you do not get help you will repeat and repeat yourself over and over again.
If y ou were ill you would run to the Doctor.
It's time you run don't walk for help. I know I have been in your shoes and I chose a new future instead of repeating my pass.
I read a lil book given to me by a friend, "How to survive the lost of a love". I don't remember the author, it was a woman. The one thing that stuck with me even to this day was what sould I do tomorrow, the answer was, "stick to sidewalk and freeze". When surviving the lost of a love you get to the point where you can finally move but don't know exactly what to do. Sometimes it is better to stick to the sidewalk and do nothing that day, but atleast you did something.
So can you.
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