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Replies to '12/26 Cheating Disasters'
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October 30, 2006, 6:49 pm PST
 Quote From: juliebeth
What would be considered "cheating?" There was a man who actively pursued me when he would come in for customer assistance. He listened when I needed someone, and I listened when he needed someone. I am married and he is married. So many times I told my husband that I needed more of hiim - not just the leftovers after he finished with his busy day. I told him I wanted to have a heart-to-heart with him and I told him my needs were being met somewhere else (I was on the way out the door to meet a girlfriend and go bar-hopping). He looked up from the TV show he was watching to say..."have a good night tonight, don't be out too long." He even had dinner on the table when I would come home at night so I would "have a full belly" when I went out that night. Again, I tried to tell him that we needed to address a few issues, and he insisted that I was making a big deal over our "perfect marriage" After all, he was happy. He never came out with me even if I asked. He has never touched a drink to his lips, nor does he ever have the desire. So....one night he asked me point blank if I was seeing someone else, and I was flat out honest and said yes. I told him that I wasn't sure I could give this person up -after all, neither one of us wanted to break up our marriages - we just needed someone to listen. He forgave me within a few days, and he has never wanted to talk about it. I have never been sexually involved with another man - I just wanted my needs to be met by HIM. I can't make him "get it." We live in this world of "I'm ok-you're ok...." I insisted on counseling to try to work through some things.....he was apprehensive. Can't figure him out. We have been married for 11 years now, and I still find that I am persued by men who "want to listen"....but once they discover I will not begin a sexual affair, they split. So....what do you think? Am I crazy? My husband insists that *I* have the problem and therefore, he doesn't need to be couseled......... In the mean time, I broke my relationship up with this other person, but I find myself in this same position with another person who wants to get to know me. So, can anyone tell me whether or not this was considered being unfaithful?? It doesn't even matter to him.....any advice?? Yup, I think the situation you described falls squarely into the category of cheating. I know you said you never became physically involved with the other man (men?), but like a lot of the posters on this board have said, you were having an emotional affair, and it sounds like you are again. Please understand, I am not berating you; I am simply answering your question ("What would be considered 'cheating?'"). Now on to the part where I sympathize; it sounds like you are very lonely and ***desperate*** for emotional connection to your husband, and the dude sounds thick, though you portray him as decent and well-meaning. He doesn't perceive at all your yearning for him. It's very disturbing that, even despite what I would think would be a devastating newflash to him, he still doesn't want to participate in couples therapy with you. C'mon, dude, get a clue! If you haven't already, see the counselor yourself, though ideally you want your husband there, too. It's something, and the therapist can help you get to the bottom of your issues and concerns. I know it doesn't sound fair, but it's better than continuing what you're doing, right? Perhaps this therapist can advise you on how to persuade your husband to come along, or, in the most extreme case, how to leave him. And, of COURSE those other men take off when they learn you won't "put out." To all the ladies: if men know you are married, yet still pursue you, what does that say about their characters? Nothing good, don't you think? |
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October 30, 2006, 9:52 pm PST
Quote From: juliebeth
What would be considered "cheating?" There was a man who actively pursued me when he would come in for customer assistance. He listened when I needed someone, and I listened when he needed someone. I am married and he is married. So many times I told my husband that I needed more of hiim - not just the leftovers after he finished with his busy day. I told him I wanted to have a heart-to-heart with him and I told him my needs were being met somewhere else (I was on the way out the door to meet a girlfriend and go bar-hopping). He looked up from the TV show he was watching to say..."have a good night tonight, don't be out too long." He even had dinner on the table when I would come home at night so I would "have a full belly" when I went out that night. Again, I tried to tell him that we needed to address a few issues, and he insisted that I was making a big deal over our "perfect marriage" After all, he was happy. He never came out with me even if I asked. He has never touched a drink to his lips, nor does he ever have the desire. So....one night he asked me point blank if I was seeing someone else, and I was flat out honest and said yes. I told him that I wasn't sure I could give this person up -after all, neither one of us wanted to break up our marriages - we just needed someone to listen. He forgave me within a few days, and he has never wanted to talk about it. I have never been sexually involved with another man - I just wanted my needs to be met by HIM. I can't make him "get it." We live in this world of "I'm ok-you're ok...." I insisted on counseling to try to work through some things.....he was apprehensive. Can't figure him out. We have been married for 11 years now, and I still find that I am persued by men who "want to listen"....but once they discover I will not begin a sexual affair, they split. So....what do you think? Am I crazy? My husband insists that *I* have the problem and therefore, he doesn't need to be couseled......... In the mean time, I broke my relationship up with this other person, but I find myself in this same position with another person who wants to get to know me. So, can anyone tell me whether or not this was considered being unfaithful?? It doesn't even matter to him.....any advice?? Yes this would be considered being unfaithful. Sounds like your husband has checked out emotionally. What was he like when you were dating, in what ways did he change after you got married and as the marriage progressed. Your husband may have issues that he is afraid to face and if he went to counseling some of these emotions might be brought to the surface. A good marriage is about meeting the other's needs and your husband is not doing that because he is not meeting your emotional needs. He claims he is happy to that is all that matters, well that's not all that matters, you matter and you should be his first priority. I wouldn't divorce him that is not the answer. There is a book, "The Five Love Languages for Married people" Author by Gary Chapman. It is a good read and might help. |
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October 31, 2006, 6:13 am PST
Quote From: juliebeth
What would be considered "cheating?" There was a man who actively pursued me when he would come in for customer assistance. He listened when I needed someone, and I listened when he needed someone. I am married and he is married. So many times I told my husband that I needed more of hiim - not just the leftovers after he finished with his busy day. I told him I wanted to have a heart-to-heart with him and I told him my needs were being met somewhere else (I was on the way out the door to meet a girlfriend and go bar-hopping). He looked up from the TV show he was watching to say..."have a good night tonight, don't be out too long." He even had dinner on the table when I would come home at night so I would "have a full belly" when I went out that night. Again, I tried to tell him that we needed to address a few issues, and he insisted that I was making a big deal over our "perfect marriage" After all, he was happy. He never came out with me even if I asked. He has never touched a drink to his lips, nor does he ever have the desire. So....one night he asked me point blank if I was seeing someone else, and I was flat out honest and said yes. I told him that I wasn't sure I could give this person up -after all, neither one of us wanted to break up our marriages - we just needed someone to listen. He forgave me within a few days, and he has never wanted to talk about it. I have never been sexually involved with another man - I just wanted my needs to be met by HIM. I can't make him "get it." We live in this world of "I'm ok-you're ok...." I insisted on counseling to try to work through some things.....he was apprehensive. Can't figure him out. We have been married for 11 years now, and I still find that I am persued by men who "want to listen"....but once they discover I will not begin a sexual affair, they split. So....what do you think? Am I crazy? My husband insists that *I* have the problem and therefore, he doesn't need to be couseled......... In the mean time, I broke my relationship up with this other person, but I find myself in this same position with another person who wants to get to know me. So, can anyone tell me whether or not this was considered being unfaithful?? It doesn't even matter to him.....any advice?? I think that if you ask if something is cheating, then in your mind it is. I feel for you in your situation. This is my opinion only. I think your husband just doesn't get it. Contrary to what others may say, this is not normal, even for us males. My wife is the center of my universe and I cannot be happy if she isn't She is part of me and if that part hurts, the rest of me hurts. I suspect you may have to force the issue somewhat more strongly and insist that he go to counseling. He should do so even if "he doesn't have a problem" (he does). her should do so because of his love for you and the marriage you share.
When you go out with your friends, do you ever wish he would ask you not to? I suspect so.
On the other hand, getting advice or talking in a format such as this is not cheating (usually). Always ask yourself how comfortable you would be if your husband overheard you or read over your shoulder.
Best wishes.
In the end, however, it gets down to having one life. Try all you can to bring him around. I agree that divorce is a final choice, but you can't afford to leave it out. |
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