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September 9, 2008, 9:10 pm PDT
I've been there...
Quote From: momof2tnMyproblem that I am looking for advice is, I have 2 children one is 15 the other 12. About 8 years ago there father (my husband) walked out of are lives to live elsewhere. When we told the kids, he told them he didn't love there mother anymore and he would be happier living somewhere else. It was a really tough time for my children, they were 7 and 4, but though the years we have made life wonderful for us. He does have ever two week visitation, but not the best type of parent. Really not there for the children at all. My problem is, the real reason he left was he had a girl friend, which I didnt no til after he was gone, but 100 & 10% sure they were seeing each other while we were married. He did live with her for a while then split. Always say it was the biggest mistake he has ever made. To get to the problem, I live in a small town where he grew up, he lives about 1 hour away. When he left 8 years ago everyone in the town new he left for the girl friend. I am now concerned as my children get older what would happen if they find out. I am and don't want to protect my ex from his actions but I will always want to protect my children. I just wonder if at some time in there lives someone will tell them, will they hate me for not telling that to start with? I felt they were way too young, but I think once they find out the truth they will feel alot of hated feeling toward there father. Can anyone give me some advice as to what is the best for the children. Also, who should tell them, if there father is still denining it, should I tell them.. They did meet and know the girl friend, but they were too little to really understand what was going on thank you I am 27 years old now, but my father was a chronic cheater to my mother basically the entirety of a 10 year marriage and was an every other weekend Dad. My mom was pretty much a tell ya straight kind of Mom and at the time they divorced ( I was 6) we had the same type of conversation about him leaving. I found out my Dad had cheated on her when she was in a moment of anger with him...now I understand her being hurt and him doing wrong...but at the time I just saw the fact that my dad hurt my mom and I spent A LOT of time being angry with him about it, especially since there was no one I idolized more than my Daddy. a very short 2 years later my dad was diagnosed with HIV and an even shorter 3 years later he was gone. ( This is not a sob story for me)...I wasted years that I could've spent just enjoying the time I had left but I was too angry, for many reasons. He let me down, but he apologized and explained that just because he was a really bad husband doesn't mean that my Mom did anything wrong. He never ever would put my Mom down infront of me or my sister. My point is....don't ever feel like not telling your kids something like that is wrong you're only extending a very short childhood, by not making them have to deal with a "grown-up" situation. You're town doesn't matter...yeah it sucks to be done wrong like that and have people know about it, but most people aren't brave enough to talk about stuff like that to someone's face most of them will talk behind your back first. All you can do is be honest with your kids in a tender way about it...don't let them see your anger let them see what you've gained from being dragged down like that and rising above it. Do not deny them the possibility of a good relationship with their Dad over past greivances and a child's natural instinct to protect Mommy ( the one they look to for ALL the support)....because you know you're better than that. use this as an opportunity to emphasize what kind of person they want to be looking for, or what you hope they can find in a person so that maybe they can have a happier ending like you would've wanted. After all we all want better for our kids than what we had it right?
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