Replies to 'Things That Worked For Us'

I think it is imporant to choose our battles even when it comes to our children. We may not like everything they do but if it is something that isn't gonna hurt them or just becasue we wouldn't do/wear something doesn't mean it so bad. communication is very imporant and I think if parents sat down with their kids on a regular basis and tried talking to them and discuss the rules and boundaries of the home together and even involving the older kids in helping with the rules and consequences, maybe some things would get better. I think there comes a time when we need to allow our kids to develop into their own personalities and likes, so what if she wants to wear make up, maybe take her to a Mary Kay party or something so she can learn how to wear it the right way. Make compromises with her about her clothes, come up with an agreement together, kinda let her take charge but yet have the boundaries for her to go by. Don't listen to the snooty attitude, remind her that she lives inyour home that you are providing for her and if she wants respect then she must respect you as well as the other way around, we teach people how to treat us, My children are still a bit young but even now I choose my battles and I have sat my 4 in half year old down and discussed some boundaries and have even made some compromises without crossing boundaries. It is possible to come to a happy medium wioth out so much tension. I know some kids are stronger willed then others but we must be firm and consistent and at the same time loving, caring and understanding, and realizing that they are they're own person and we need to encourage them to become the best that they can be but with out discouraging and saying "NO" to everything. I have worked with a few teens with home issues and really all they want is to be heard and to develop into their own beings and I think respect and encouragement are two good keys to help this to be achieved and sticking with boundaries and all is possible if the teen feels heard and accepted.

When my son was 16, we went through a period of me hating everything he wore and him seeming to want to shock me at every turn with his choices. 

  

My husband and I took a deep breath and decided what our priorities were. We sat my son down after our own talk and asked him how he felt we were being unfair. He said it seemed like no matter what he wore, we noticed and commented negatively. I hadn't realized we were doing that, even though I shuddered when I saw him *lol*  

We instituted a "time out" rule where he could make that signal when we were "doing it again" and we'd stop and give him a chance to talk to us. When he was getting ornery, we made the time out sign and he'd stop and listen.  

  

We agreed that his hair was all his. We wouldn't comment on anything he chose to do with it. 

He was going through a punk phase and all of his friends had mulitple piercings (what are those parents thinking????). We agreed that he could have one piercing so long as it was somewhere that wouldn't show when he removed it once his adult self became mortified at his childish self. He pierced his eyebrow and it promptly became infected even though he took care of it. He's 18 now and has never mentioned piercings or tattoo's again :) and you can't see any evidence of his previous piercing.  

  

Our biggest buggaboo was the underwear showing over the jeans and he agreed to wear a belt and shortly after, started buying jeans in his own size. A wonderful girl told him he had a cute butt so now his jeans are all fitted and neat. His hair has now been about 6 colours and was long for 2 years but suddenly, it's back to his own lovely golden brown and it's short and tidy with no nagging from us.  

  

Talking and compromise on both sides really worked well for us.  

When my son wanted hair colour or his piercing, we didn't pay for it. He had to earn his own money and he saved for ages to pay a hairdresser to put his hair in dreadlocks. When he finally finished saving, he decided to use the money for an IPod instead and now he's outgrown dreadlocks. I'm quite sure in retrospect that if my husband or I had gone against our "your hair is yours so you can do what you want with it", he would have dreadlocks today. 

  

Once my son let us know that we were always criticizing him, we took a look at our own behaviour and, in fact, we were usually disagreeing with his choices. When we dropped our "attitudes", his also seemed to disappear.  

  

Kids want and need both boundaries and freedom. It's a tough balance but the best example you can set for the 6 year old is that you are willing to listen and respect her older sister's ideas. You don't have to give in to inappropriate clothing but maybe a belly shirt with jeans would work or allowing her to use age appropriate make up. My sis has a girl's day out with her 13 y/o daughter once a month where they get manicures/pedicures and my neice gets to choose whatever colour polish she wants. They also go to the department store and try out fragrances and get mini makeovers. My niece wore makeup at first but quickly tired of it when the novelty wore off. :) 

  

I can't believe it your raising my kid!  I also have a 14yr old daughter that whants to fet in with her friends by wearing the hip hugger pants and belly shirts and has an attitude like she thinks she's all that and she rules the roost. Well guess what!, she doesn't and I let her know that there's things that are not exceptable and her coping an attitude isn't going to do her any good. I've resently sat down with her and had a talk and expressed my concern for her behavior. I've also decided to let her have some space and start to make "some" decisions of her own. She thinks I expect her to be perfect, but we all know, no one is. Plus " Great Expectations, lead to Big Disappointments". and we all know how it feels to be disappointed. She doesn't think she needs to keep her room neat and tidie anymore, so I have her keep her door closed on those days. I've also told her, the longer you let it go, the bigger mess" You" have to clean. So needless to say she doesn't let it go to long, her choice! Also if she wants to have and attitude it also stays in her room with her. When she does come out of her room and walks thru her door she's to leave her attitude and be pleasant or she can stay in her room until she chooses to respect our space. You'd be amazed how peaceful things have been, she spends alot of time in her room, like most teens her age, but when she does come out  things are different. When my other kids where living at home we use to set down once amonth or more if needed and have what we called a " venting session", where any problem you felt you had with anyone in the house, could be vented and hopefully we could come up with a solution or at least you got to get things off your chest. Some times it helps to just be there to lessen. I've raised 5 other kids  and I'm a single parent and now that they'er parents they thank me for loving them enough to set boundaries and sticking to them. Hang in there and remember when you where young and what you wish your parents ahd done different. To bad kids don't come with instructions,huh? Good Luck and God Bless! If you should start to loos it, go for a walk and Pray for the strength to make it through another day. Never let them know they have gotten to you.

Ummm...please...use less caps....thank you.

Anyway, here is what I say...

Have you tried talking to her about her behavior? maybe if you explain to her why she shouldn't wear that sort of stuff at her age because it's dangerous can help. But don't be the only one talking, you gotta also listen. Maybe you can compromise, like...she could wear a light shade of pink eye shadow and nude lipstick if she gets rid of the floozy looking clothing. There are ways to be stylish and still be modest about it.

 

I have a very weird style, but it's my own. My Mom doesn't care as long as the shirts that would show a lot of cleavage has an undershirt on. I never wear those belly shirts because I think their stupid, and the same with the shorts. The only time I'd wear shorts is for bed! *lol* and then I really just like pajama bottoms anyway.

 

She may think that the rules are too strict. So, like I said. Make a compromise, and stick to it with your other kids. Trust me on this, my little sister wants to get a peircing when she's fifteen, but I didn't get mine till I was 21-22. (I got it twice). So, if she's gonna wear make up at sixteen, then your other girls will want too as well and if you tell them no when they are sixteen...than your gonna have problems.

 

So, stay consistent. That's the trick.

 

What about your own clothing choices? maybe she's learning it from you and you don't know it?

I'm not accusing you, but as she is your daughter, she watches you. I should know, I watch my own Mom.

My Mom is very stylish and I let her pick out most of my clothing. Also, getting hammy downs and not putting a lot of importance on clothing helped me to not really care if I was in style or not.

 

I hate most of the styles these days because they're just stupid!