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November 9, 2006, 8:49 pm PST
Coping with the Death of a Child
Quote From: ddebssOn October 14 of this year, we lost my 7 week old great niece, apparently of SIDS. The entire family was and is grief-stricken over her death. Though she's often in my thoughts and prayers, I'm wondering if it's possible to grieve too much, for too long. I'm concerned for my niece, the baby's mother and for my sister who is the baby's grandmother. It seems like every time I speak to one or the other or see them, they're talking about our poor little baby, or going through photos, crying (which - I'm no monster, I've cried plenty too) and I'm worried that they're dwelling on this. My sister's latest endeavor is a memorial on a website and though I think it's a nice and loving gesture for her granddaughter, and after crying my eyes out when viewing it, found it disturbing that my niece's 8 yr. old son "lit a candle" on the site, asking his baby sister to please come back.
I feel it's time to pick up and try to begin healing and moving on. The baby has an older brother and sister who need their mother's time and attention. My sister's health is poor due to an aortic aneurysm and she's not supposed to have any stress, though this whole ordeal has been very stressful. I hate to see her add more stress by concentrating so intently on the why's, how's, what-if's and so on. My niece had been battling depression before the baby, lost her uterus after delivering and is suffering from post-partum depression as well.
Is there a right time to move on and start living again or is it up to each of us individually? I realize we'll never ever get over the loss of little Gabrielle, but I also don't see anything good coming out of letting her loss consume my sister and her daughter.
I'd appreciate all feedback. Thanks.
Auntie Debs Are you saying it has not even been one month since this baby
died?? Egads. If you have lost a close family member, and you
think a month is long enough to grieve, for gosh sakes, get over it,
YOU are probably stuck in denial somewhere from something. Pardon
the strong response. When I first started reading you rletter, I
was thinking, how long has it been, one year? two years? Intense
grief at one month is entirely appropriate, may be even more so than
when the child first died. That is because at first,
there is shock and denial, and the need to deal with immediate
issues. The burial/cremation, news report, informing family and
friends, etc. Plus,at first, there is a great deal of help and support
from those family and friends. After a couple of weeks, that all
wanes away and reality sets in. Your continued support and
prayers are most valuable now more than at first. The time
to pick up and heal and move on is
an individual one, and depends on many factors. How much support
is given by friends and family, how much the death affected other
factors of life, how mentally healthy the mom/daughter were to begin
with. Some people never recover, and understandably
so. Nobody ever "recovers" completely from losing a
child. Just remember, when you are giving support, to meet them
where they are at,and while not enabling them to wallow in misery
indefinitely, use your good senses with regard to their feelings as to
how and when to gently encourage them to move forward, even if only a
little tiny bit atime.
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