Replies to 'Cheated On'

Quote From: crazyone

I have never done this before, but I have been struggling to deal with affairs I discovered over the last  year or so.  My husband and I have been married for 12 years and we have three small children.  I discovered the affair when I went to the doctor for what I thought was a bladder infection.  As it turns out, it wasn't.  It wasn't anything.  I got to talking with my OB about the fact that my husband had recently been to the Dr. because of pain from his vasectomy.  Not the case.  My Ob asked me to get permission from my husband to "cross examine" our symptoms and to take a look at his medical records.  I asked, he agreed (not very smart is he?)  My OB informed my that my husband tested positive for chlamydia.  I was pissed to say the least.  Actually I was hysterical and confronted him.  It was a HUGE, ugly blowout.  He admitted to the affair.  Thankfully, I did NOT test positive and we (my OB & myself) chalked it up to God working in mysterious ways.  Anyway, I was and am devastated.  He ended the affair which was with an old classmate he reconnected with after a "reunion get together".  I had suspicions about a couple of other women prior to finding this out, and I begged and pleaded with him to be honest with me about any other affairs.  I later found out that he lied to my face and swore up & down that there was no one else.  I was not about to believe anything that came out of his mouth.  My terms for trying to move forward, were that he was to disclose to me any and all physical contact with anyone from the date of our marriage.  He had to write everything down and include all details as this information would be taken to a polygrapher and used to determine his honesty.  He complied and disclosed one other affair and at least two other inappropriate relationships that did not include sex.  We took that information to the polygrapher and he still failed his test miserably.  He of course is adamant that the test was incorrect and still stands by his answers as being truthful.  It has been about eight months since the test, we are still together but I don't believe him for obvious reasons.  He has done an about face and has been kissing my rear for the past year to year an a half and trying to make me believe his sincerity.  I battle with loving him and really desiring to make our marriage work, and hating his freaking guts.  I can't get the images out of my head, I have become obsessed with the issue and I get crazy at times and and just want to turn and walk away.  I am torn.  I do love him and he says he loves me and he is sorry.   I honestly don't think he is sorry enough and I wonder why I am willing to even try to forgive and get past this.  I don't understand how you could do this to someone you love.  To me it doesn't seem possible.  I have literally thrown up from the stress and the thought of him having sex with someone else.  Is there something wrong with me?  If any of my girlfriends had come to me and told me this about their relationship, I would have said "dump his undeserving ass and move on!"  Why can't I muster up enough self respect to do that for myself?!  I have not told any of my friends or my family.  I don't want people to know how humiliated I am and I don't want to be judged for whatever decision I do make.  That also leaves in the unfavorable position of not having anyone outside of my therapist to talk to you or lean on.  I also have financial dilemmas. I stay at home with my children and don't have an income.  I just don't know if I should stay and try to work it out or if I should walk.  HELP!!!!!!!