Replies to 'Divorce Support'
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July 27, 2005, 11:39 am PDT
 Quote From: alf8mykat My wife and I have been married for almost 4 years. We have a beautiful little girl who will be 2 in October. About two months ago, my wife came to me and told me she thought we should live apart for a while to be able to work on things. She told me she thought it was the best thing for our marriage and it would help save our marriage. I was dead set against the idea, but I told her that if she truly felt it would help, I would do it. Basically, I felt like I would do anything to save our marriage. Also, we decided that we would begin marriage counseling immediately. Within 3 days of me being out of the house, she told me she was filing for divorce and no longer wished to go to counseling. Prior to that, the idea of divorce was never even brought up as a possibility.
I've most definitely made some mistakes in our relationship. For the last couple of years I've been trying very hard to run my own business out of the home. The fact of the matter is, I simply do not have the organizational skills to run my own business. It was failing, and I felt trapped. I was also a full-time stay-at-home father for the last year. I just felt like I had to keep trying. She didn't like the idea of being a full-time mother, and neither of us liked the idea of our daughter going to day care.
With the business, and also some instances of flat out being selfish, I just haven't been as attentive to her needs and her feelings as I should be. I acknowledge this whole heartedly, and I'm in counseling myself to overcome that, and also a depression I've been dealing with since childhood. Also, I've read several books on understanding relationships, and being able to express love better, etc. Through all of this, in the last two months, I've made some major changes in philosophy, and also in the way that I act.
My wife still loves me, she's told me this... She's scared to trust me though having trusted me with her feelings only to have me not take care of them before. I just don't know what to do... My family means more to me than anything in this world. I come from a family where my parents were divorced when I was very young, and it's something that to this day is causing me problems (the depression). I don't want this for my daughter, but even more so, I love my wife very much. I just don't know what I can do at this point to save my marriage.
Thanks to anyone who reads this and may be able to give me some encouraging words or advice.
Sincerely,
Andrew
So, from the sound of it, you've made some mistakes. It also sounds as though your wife may have not been completely honest with you about how she was feeling regarding your selfishness -- that is an assumption and if correct, that is her mistake. As marital partners we are accountable to our spouses for how we behave.
So you've acknowledged that there is a lot of room for improvement and you've even been very willing to put your money where your mouth is -- you moved out peacefully and you were willing to get counseling. BRAVO!
The only thing left to do are these things: #1 follow through on counseling, #2 ask for forgiveness from your wife and be willing to forgive your self, and #3 leave the door open.
Not only will counseling give your wife the sign that you really meant what you said, but it will ALSO help you with your grief and healing.
Because you have been so willing to acknowledge your wrongs, I suggest that you give that full accounting to your wife. True forgiveness is not an easy thing, but you are already well on your way and I think that gesture is the right thing.
Once you've asked, the only other thing to do is leave the door open and wait to see if she'll have a change of heart. That part is up to her.
Be gentle while you grieve, Q |
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July 28, 2005, 3:00 am PDT
Quote From: alf8mykat My wife and I have been married for almost 4 years. We have a beautiful little girl who will be 2 in October. About two months ago, my wife came to me and told me she thought we should live apart for a while to be able to work on things. She told me she thought it was the best thing for our marriage and it would help save our marriage. I was dead set against the idea, but I told her that if she truly felt it would help, I would do it. Basically, I felt like I would do anything to save our marriage. Also, we decided that we would begin marriage counseling immediately. Within 3 days of me being out of the house, she told me she was filing for divorce and no longer wished to go to counseling. Prior to that, the idea of divorce was never even brought up as a possibility.
I've most definitely made some mistakes in our relationship. For the last couple of years I've been trying very hard to run my own business out of the home. The fact of the matter is, I simply do not have the organizational skills to run my own business. It was failing, and I felt trapped. I was also a full-time stay-at-home father for the last year. I just felt like I had to keep trying. She didn't like the idea of being a full-time mother, and neither of us liked the idea of our daughter going to day care.
With the business, and also some instances of flat out being selfish, I just haven't been as attentive to her needs and her feelings as I should be. I acknowledge this whole heartedly, and I'm in counseling myself to overcome that, and also a depression I've been dealing with since childhood. Also, I've read several books on understanding relationships, and being able to express love better, etc. Through all of this, in the last two months, I've made some major changes in philosophy, and also in the way that I act.
My wife still loves me, she's told me this... She's scared to trust me though having trusted me with her feelings only to have me not take care of them before. I just don't know what to do... My family means more to me than anything in this world. I come from a family where my parents were divorced when I was very young, and it's something that to this day is causing me problems (the depression). I don't want this for my daughter, but even more so, I love my wife very much. I just don't know what I can do at this point to save my marriage.
Thanks to anyone who reads this and may be able to give me some encouraging words or advice.
Sincerely,
Andrew
The best thing in your post is that your wife says she loves you. The worst thing is she lied and manipulated you right out of your own home. And she certainly counted on your good nature to help things along. I have never been able to understand how living apart helps a marriage unless there is violence.
Your organizational skills were defective when you began the business. Why did you do it? Childcare reasons? Begin job hunting and shut that business down. I do not like daycare either, but bet you have other options if you look hard enough. My H and I worked opposite shifts for several years until both kids were in school. Be very sure you do not have more children until things are worked out.
Kudos to you for the changes you have made. Wife now needs to step up to the plate and come clean about what is motivating her. I suspect there may be more to her story.
Counseling would be high on my list. Maybe seperately at first, but eventually joint. And take care of the depression issue. Do not think you can handle all of this alone.
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August 25, 2005, 12:52 pm PDT
Quote From: alf8mykat My wife and I have been married for almost 4 years. We have a beautiful little girl who will be 2 in October. About two months ago, my wife came to me and told me she thought we should live apart for a while to be able to work on things. She told me she thought it was the best thing for our marriage and it would help save our marriage. I was dead set against the idea, but I told her that if she truly felt it would help, I would do it. Basically, I felt like I would do anything to save our marriage. Also, we decided that we would begin marriage counseling immediately. Within 3 days of me being out of the house, she told me she was filing for divorce and no longer wished to go to counseling. Prior to that, the idea of divorce was never even brought up as a possibility.
I've most definitely made some mistakes in our relationship. For the last couple of years I've been trying very hard to run my own business out of the home. The fact of the matter is, I simply do not have the organizational skills to run my own business. It was failing, and I felt trapped. I was also a full-time stay-at-home father for the last year. I just felt like I had to keep trying. She didn't like the idea of being a full-time mother, and neither of us liked the idea of our daughter going to day care.
With the business, and also some instances of flat out being selfish, I just haven't been as attentive to her needs and her feelings as I should be. I acknowledge this whole heartedly, and I'm in counseling myself to overcome that, and also a depression I've been dealing with since childhood. Also, I've read several books on understanding relationships, and being able to express love better, etc. Through all of this, in the last two months, I've made some major changes in philosophy, and also in the way that I act.
My wife still loves me, she's told me this... She's scared to trust me though having trusted me with her feelings only to have me not take care of them before. I just don't know what to do... My family means more to me than anything in this world. I come from a family where my parents were divorced when I was very young, and it's something that to this day is causing me problems (the depression). I don't want this for my daughter, but even more so, I love my wife very much. I just don't know what I can do at this point to save my marriage.
Thanks to anyone who reads this and may be able to give me some encouraging words or advice.
Sincerely,
Andrew
You two should have gone to counseling before you moved out, but what is done is done. The fact that she refuses to go after agreeing to is highly suspect. (Especially since she waited till you were moved out to tell you so, it sounds like she agreed to get you out.) I know it's hard to think that way about someone you love, but you need to find out what's really going on with her. Sounds like you have been bending over backward to work this out and she just wants to move on. Don't let your marriage go until you get the straight story out of her. She owes it to and to your daughter to be truthful. |
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March 23, 2006, 4:45 pm PST
Quote From: alf8mykat My wife and I have been married for almost 4 years. We have a beautiful little girl who will be 2 in October. About two months ago, my wife came to me and told me she thought we should live apart for a while to be able to work on things. She told me she thought it was the best thing for our marriage and it would help save our marriage. I was dead set against the idea, but I told her that if she truly felt it would help, I would do it. Basically, I felt like I would do anything to save our marriage. Also, we decided that we would begin marriage counseling immediately. Within 3 days of me being out of the house, she told me she was filing for divorce and no longer wished to go to counseling. Prior to that, the idea of divorce was never even brought up as a possibility.
I've most definitely made some mistakes in our relationship. For the last couple of years I've been trying very hard to run my own business out of the home. The fact of the matter is, I simply do not have the organizational skills to run my own business. It was failing, and I felt trapped. I was also a full-time stay-at-home father for the last year. I just felt like I had to keep trying. She didn't like the idea of being a full-time mother, and neither of us liked the idea of our daughter going to day care.
With the business, and also some instances of flat out being selfish, I just haven't been as attentive to her needs and her feelings as I should be. I acknowledge this whole heartedly, and I'm in counseling myself to overcome that, and also a depression I've been dealing with since childhood. Also, I've read several books on understanding relationships, and being able to express love better, etc. Through all of this, in the last two months, I've made some major changes in philosophy, and also in the way that I act.
My wife still loves me, she's told me this... She's scared to trust me though having trusted me with her feelings only to have me not take care of them before. I just don't know what to do... My family means more to me than anything in this world. I come from a family where my parents were divorced when I was very young, and it's something that to this day is causing me problems (the depression). I don't want this for my daughter, but even more so, I love my wife very much. I just don't know what I can do at this point to save my marriage.
Thanks to anyone who reads this and may be able to give me some encouraging words or advice.
Sincerely,
Andrew
hi Andrew,
I read this and well I feel like I am in the same situation yet I don't have any children. One day my husband just stopped talking to me and I pushed him to tell me what was wrong. he said nothing and then i get an email that says he wants space. so I left ( i know he should have left) but he has a son and I was being the caring step parent. Anyway now after 2 months of separation he wants out. He hasn't said the word divorce and he has agreed to go to counseling for me, not for us since he doesn't want to work on the marriage. I have to admit I had been very depressed this year(broke my femur) and well spent 8 months dependent on him. Our relationship went south and now I am trying to have him give me another chance now that I am coming out of the depression and seeking help from professionals. He and his son are my only family as well and mean the world to me. I come from a divorce family as well. My husband says he still loves me yet would rather be alone with his son...our relationship has just become too much work for him. We are both self employed as well and work from home which makes us hide in our work and not communicate when things are tough.
I am so hurt by this. Have you found any encouraging advice to reconcile with your wife? Is there anything you could do to save your marriage?
I am trying to be as upbeat and nice as possible since we are living in the same house but different rooms. Communication is minimal and we don't see each other all that much.
any help, advice would be helpful ! I hope things are working out for you as well.
Laura
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May 25, 2006, 11:20 am PDT
Quote From: alf8mykat My wife and I have been married for almost 4 years. We have a beautiful little girl who will be 2 in October. About two months ago, my wife came to me and told me she thought we should live apart for a while to be able to work on things. She told me she thought it was the best thing for our marriage and it would help save our marriage. I was dead set against the idea, but I told her that if she truly felt it would help, I would do it. Basically, I felt like I would do anything to save our marriage. Also, we decided that we would begin marriage counseling immediately. Within 3 days of me being out of the house, she told me she was filing for divorce and no longer wished to go to counseling. Prior to that, the idea of divorce was never even brought up as a possibility.
I've most definitely made some mistakes in our relationship. For the last couple of years I've been trying very hard to run my own business out of the home. The fact of the matter is, I simply do not have the organizational skills to run my own business. It was failing, and I felt trapped. I was also a full-time stay-at-home father for the last year. I just felt like I had to keep trying. She didn't like the idea of being a full-time mother, and neither of us liked the idea of our daughter going to day care.
With the business, and also some instances of flat out being selfish, I just haven't been as attentive to her needs and her feelings as I should be. I acknowledge this whole heartedly, and I'm in counseling myself to overcome that, and also a depression I've been dealing with since childhood. Also, I've read several books on understanding relationships, and being able to express love better, etc. Through all of this, in the last two months, I've made some major changes in philosophy, and also in the way that I act.
My wife still loves me, she's told me this... She's scared to trust me though having trusted me with her feelings only to have me not take care of them before. I just don't know what to do... My family means more to me than anything in this world. I come from a family where my parents were divorced when I was very young, and it's something that to this day is causing me problems (the depression). I don't want this for my daughter, but even more so, I love my wife very much. I just don't know what I can do at this point to save my marriage.
Thanks to anyone who reads this and may be able to give me some encouraging words or advice.
Sincerely,
Andrew
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January 17, 2008, 9:09 am PST
Quote From: alf8mykat My wife and I have been married for almost 4 years. We have a beautiful little girl who will be 2 in October. About two months ago, my wife came to me and told me she thought we should live apart for a while to be able to work on things. She told me she thought it was the best thing for our marriage and it would help save our marriage. I was dead set against the idea, but I told her that if she truly felt it would help, I would do it. Basically, I felt like I would do anything to save our marriage. Also, we decided that we would begin marriage counseling immediately. Within 3 days of me being out of the house, she told me she was filing for divorce and no longer wished to go to counseling. Prior to that, the idea of divorce was never even brought up as a possibility.
I've most definitely made some mistakes in our relationship. For the last couple of years I've been trying very hard to run my own business out of the home. The fact of the matter is, I simply do not have the organizational skills to run my own business. It was failing, and I felt trapped. I was also a full-time stay-at-home father for the last year. I just felt like I had to keep trying. She didn't like the idea of being a full-time mother, and neither of us liked the idea of our daughter going to day care.
With the business, and also some instances of flat out being selfish, I just haven't been as attentive to her needs and her feelings as I should be. I acknowledge this whole heartedly, and I'm in counseling myself to overcome that, and also a depression I've been dealing with since childhood. Also, I've read several books on understanding relationships, and being able to express love better, etc. Through all of this, in the last two months, I've made some major changes in philosophy, and also in the way that I act.
My wife still loves me, she's told me this... She's scared to trust me though having trusted me with her feelings only to have me not take care of them before. I just don't know what to do... My family means more to me than anything in this world. I come from a family where my parents were divorced when I was very young, and it's something that to this day is causing me problems (the depression). I don't want this for my daughter, but even more so, I love my wife very much. I just don't know what I can do at this point to save my marriage.
Thanks to anyone who reads this and may be able to give me some encouraging words or advice.
Sincerely,
Andrew
Andrew, I am kind of in the same boat as you. I have been married almost 9 years, we have 4 children & I have been a stay at home mom for 8 years. My husband just told me earlier this week that he doesn't love me anymore & isn't sure what he wants to do. I love my husband & my family more than anything so I am doing whatever I can to make things work for us. I made an appointment to get counseling for my control & trust issues. My husband isn't a big talker but I got a sitter for the day, we went out & sat in the park & talked for hours about why we should stay together & what we need to do to improve things between us. It is a big adjustment for both of us because I have to try to be less controlling & he needs to be patient with me & how I am dealing with all of this. Circumstances do not allow us to seperate at this time so I am doing everything I can to improve things between us like giving him his space, not talking things to death & trying to act as normal as possible. The main thing that is helping me is the love of my children & trying to think positive. While this is horrible now it may be the best thing for our relationship. I am now trying to be a better person to my husband & understand where he is coming from. Don't lose hope! I'll say some prayers for you & your wife. Good luck! |
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May 8, 2008, 9:08 pm PDT
Quote From: alf8mykat My wife and I have been married for almost 4 years. We have a beautiful little girl who will be 2 in October. About two months ago, my wife came to me and told me she thought we should live apart for a while to be able to work on things. She told me she thought it was the best thing for our marriage and it would help save our marriage. I was dead set against the idea, but I told her that if she truly felt it would help, I would do it. Basically, I felt like I would do anything to save our marriage. Also, we decided that we would begin marriage counseling immediately. Within 3 days of me being out of the house, she told me she was filing for divorce and no longer wished to go to counseling. Prior to that, the idea of divorce was never even brought up as a possibility.
I've most definitely made some mistakes in our relationship. For the last couple of years I've been trying very hard to run my own business out of the home. The fact of the matter is, I simply do not have the organizational skills to run my own business. It was failing, and I felt trapped. I was also a full-time stay-at-home father for the last year. I just felt like I had to keep trying. She didn't like the idea of being a full-time mother, and neither of us liked the idea of our daughter going to day care.
With the business, and also some instances of flat out being selfish, I just haven't been as attentive to her needs and her feelings as I should be. I acknowledge this whole heartedly, and I'm in counseling myself to overcome that, and also a depression I've been dealing with since childhood. Also, I've read several books on understanding relationships, and being able to express love better, etc. Through all of this, in the last two months, I've made some major changes in philosophy, and also in the way that I act.
My wife still loves me, she's told me this... She's scared to trust me though having trusted me with her feelings only to have me not take care of them before. I just don't know what to do... My family means more to me than anything in this world. I come from a family where my parents were divorced when I was very young, and it's something that to this day is causing me problems (the depression). I don't want this for my daughter, but even more so, I love my wife very much. I just don't know what I can do at this point to save my marriage.
Thanks to anyone who reads this and may be able to give me some encouraging words or advice.
Sincerely,
Andrew
Your situation sounds very similar to mine about 7 months ago. I've done so much to try to fix my marriage I can't even remember half of it. It still doesn't matter until your wife is willing to seriously work on your marriage it will never get better. If she's anything like my soon to be ex wife it will never happen. I've tried everything under the sun to get her to put our family back together. I have a lot more to say and think I can possibly help you if you'd like. I feel your pain because I'm was there and can tell you how bad it can get and what I could've done better. If you don't want to get ahold of me that fine the only thing I want to say is no matter what you've done ( unless there was abuse) this is not your fault some people honestly don't know how hard a marriage is and would rather give up. So hold your head up and have self confidence your daughter needs you for stability. |
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