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Replies to 'Pornography'
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November 12, 2006, 6:11 am PST
 Quote From: mfisaacs95 For anyone who has been reading/replying to my posts.............here's the latest.
This has been what may be the longest week of my life. It is now Sunday. Ever saw the movie Groundhogs Day? That's what this all feels like? Just the same day over and over.............
My husband went and talked to a deacon and his wife from our church. That almost sounds stupid, our church. Church and porn and hurt and lies and deceit all in the same post. He says this is it, he's a changed man and he's not going to look at it anymore. Is it that easy? Is just telling other people that you do it enough to make you stop? Now he sees how much it has hurt me, but for the past 11 years I have just been blowing smoke!!?? I don't understand that and as much as I want to believe him, I don't.
For now I am staying. And wondering why. I want to work on our marriage, but at the same time, is it a marriage? I take on 95% of the responsiblities around here. I'm the bread winner, I'm the bill payer, I'm the one who makes the dr's appointments for the kids, I'm the one who does everything. I'm not trying to make it look like I am superwoman, because even though I do all of those things, I don't always do them right or on time. I feel like I don't even know my husband. I thought he was father of the year, until I started checking the times on the internet sites!! If the kids hadn't just been left at the babysitters, they were here, while he did it. He's a teacher, so he had all summer with them, or so I thought!! I would love to spend a summer with my kids, but I have to work. I guess it will take time to heal these wounds or to at least make them go numb, which ever comes first. There is such a thing as jealousy in marriages, you know? I know, I was definately feeling out of sorts when it looked like he had everything going for him, porn, sex, good food, friends, money, social ties, family, material gains, and it pissed me off. But I think I was mad that he was managing his life and mine seemed to be going down the tubes!!! I spent what I see now as way too much time on this or better yet, allowed it to keep me down and helpless. But now I am mad and mad is good.......because I am ready to stop living holding onto what other people do and more focus is now on me and how I can affect our world and my life. His porn use is pretty trivial if you think about it.
Its how everything else is too. I would give him another chance. I mean you are not going to be going anywhere immediately, right? So, just wait and see. If he is still into it, you will soon find out, right? |
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November 12, 2006, 10:12 am PST
Quote From: mfisaacs95 For anyone who has been reading/replying to my posts.............here's the latest.
This has been what may be the longest week of my life. It is now Sunday. Ever saw the movie Groundhogs Day? That's what this all feels like? Just the same day over and over.............
My husband went and talked to a deacon and his wife from our church. That almost sounds stupid, our church. Church and porn and hurt and lies and deceit all in the same post. He says this is it, he's a changed man and he's not going to look at it anymore. Is it that easy? Is just telling other people that you do it enough to make you stop? Now he sees how much it has hurt me, but for the past 11 years I have just been blowing smoke!!?? I don't understand that and as much as I want to believe him, I don't.
For now I am staying. And wondering why. I want to work on our marriage, but at the same time, is it a marriage? I take on 95% of the responsiblities around here. I'm the bread winner, I'm the bill payer, I'm the one who makes the dr's appointments for the kids, I'm the one who does everything. I'm not trying to make it look like I am superwoman, because even though I do all of those things, I don't always do them right or on time. I feel like I don't even know my husband. I thought he was father of the year, until I started checking the times on the internet sites!! If the kids hadn't just been left at the babysitters, they were here, while he did it. He's a teacher, so he had all summer with them, or so I thought!! I would love to spend a summer with my kids, but I have to work. I guess it will take time to heal these wounds or to at least make them go numb, which ever comes first. Beware! Church Leaders lead dual lives: they preach all that might-and-highty, holier-than-thou, sex-is-bad bullshit, then indulge themselves in a gluttony of perversity like there's no tomorrow. Unfortunalely, for the stupid masses, in which I count myself, they've filled our heads with dangerous anti-sex crap and enfeeble our minds in the process. The church FEEDS on GUILT. This has been going on for hundreds, if not thousands, of years. Did you know that mighty Catholic Church ran a lot of the 11th Century brothels in England! AT least one Pope has died of a venerial disease. Holy, my ass!!!! Get real. Forget religion. Look to yourself for your answers. Use your brain. Make your OWN decisions. You won;t find the answer in the great piece of fiction called the Bible. God did not write it. It was written by a bunch of unknowns; badbly translated a few times; words changed here and there; and the heavily edited by the nascent church in the early centuries --- for political reasons. (Does it not seems strange that the Christian Church quickly made Rome the seat of their power??) |
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November 17, 2006, 8:26 am PST
Quote From: mfisaacs95 For anyone who has been reading/replying to my posts.............here's the latest.
This has been what may be the longest week of my life. It is now Sunday. Ever saw the movie Groundhogs Day? That's what this all feels like? Just the same day over and over.............
My husband went and talked to a deacon and his wife from our church. That almost sounds stupid, our church. Church and porn and hurt and lies and deceit all in the same post. He says this is it, he's a changed man and he's not going to look at it anymore. Is it that easy? Is just telling other people that you do it enough to make you stop? Now he sees how much it has hurt me, but for the past 11 years I have just been blowing smoke!!?? I don't understand that and as much as I want to believe him, I don't.
For now I am staying. And wondering why. I want to work on our marriage, but at the same time, is it a marriage? I take on 95% of the responsiblities around here. I'm the bread winner, I'm the bill payer, I'm the one who makes the dr's appointments for the kids, I'm the one who does everything. I'm not trying to make it look like I am superwoman, because even though I do all of those things, I don't always do them right or on time. I feel like I don't even know my husband. I thought he was father of the year, until I started checking the times on the internet sites!! If the kids hadn't just been left at the babysitters, they were here, while he did it. He's a teacher, so he had all summer with them, or so I thought!! I would love to spend a summer with my kids, but I have to work. I guess it will take time to heal these wounds or to at least make them go numb, which ever comes first. Hi mf I have been out of town for almost a week. I think its a good thing that your husband went to talk to someone. It may or may not be enough but it is a start. Recognizing and admitting there is a problem is a very big step. You said in another post that to some degree you let this happen and I did too. I think I know what you mean. Because I didn't stand firm on my boundaries and beliefs 100 per cent of the time I let in some of the hurt. There were times I got a little wishy washy in myself, questioning myself and wondering if I was over reacting. But because we are hurting and our self esteem is being trampled on it is a normal reaction - as long as it is short lived. I had to give my head a shake and remember that I am who I am because of my beliefs and boundaries. You are right, it will all take time. Trust and healing are worth the effort and the work. jljs
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