Replies to 'Overcoming Grief'

My mom dies about three years ago, but I still feel like I lost a big piece of my life.  I went to grief group counseling and it helped.  I feel even more isolated.  My mom died within a short period of time and when she was gone I thought I had to be tough for my dad.  I have never really talked to anybody about my mom's death except in grief group counseling and I want to.  Since my mom dies and I don't have many friends.  Certain feeling have been going out of control like I have always felt like I wasn't worth the interest to know me.  I have no self-esteem and feel I am here to help other people.  I can be my worst judge and put myself down all the time.  I find I am hopeful and positive with others, but I call myself ugly, fat, no good, and not even a person (a thing).  I don't remember a time when I even loved myself.  I remember times when I got told what was wrong with me and that was alot.  I was either to loud or to dumb to know how to do something.  When I became an adult, my parents and sisters told me to forget what was said and be positive.  The only thing was I don't know how to be positive when I haven't done anything right.  My mom could be hard on me at times, but she was loving alot of the times.  She made me feel like I was a person, and now she is gone and I am alone.  My mom would say to me about something I should try to do, but in the next breath tell me about something that was good about myself if I only tried.  

I keep hearing my parents voice in my head telling me if i didn't change my ways nobody would love me.  I guess I believed it at twelve because I never really saw myself with a man in my life or being marrried with kids.  All I know at forty-something I want to see my mom again and think about going to see her any way I can.  Of course, my dad is still alive but sometimes it seems that he doen't need me either.  I guess nobody needs me or wants me.  I don't have control of my feelings and they keep going up and down.