Replies to 'Relationship Myths'

I don't think I can fairly address your fears without knowing what makes you tick, but I'd like to put a few things out there that I hope will help.  

I've been married 7 years now. I had dated my husband for less than a year without really taking time to see him in a variety of settings. I know now that I had failed to consider a lot before the wedding. It wasn't an ideal start. However, it is the spirit of the marriage and those in it that prevails. It did with us. We did go through a lot of really rough times. But time gave us wisdom, wisdom that eventually spoke louder to each of us than any one current crisis. He became, in time, my anchor, because I had to admit he had staying power.  

I'm telling you this because the unknown is so much bigger to you now than the known, but that will change. Maybe it has already more than you know. You've had 5 years together. Doesn't that give you a wealth of reasons to face the future with confidence with this man? Haven't you seen a lot of his character in many different settings?  

Now translate all this to your parents. They have so much more time together behind them. Their experiences in their marriage, raising children, helping each other through crises, seeing each other at their best and worst and being friends to each other, all this will still be there in their household after  you leave. Your mom's relationship with your dad is older than yours with her. He is certainly equipped to help her. This may or may not be evident to you or any other observer, but I have learned one thing over all others about relationships: we can never truly have full insight into a relationship that we are not a party to. You, as their daughter, have limitations to what you can know about what they have between them. They have risen to challenges in the past and will rise to this one. When they do, they will have one more reason to trust in their relationship and take joy in it. 

One last thing, since this message board is about relationship myths. Don't let anyone tell you how you "should" feel at this time in your life. Everyone is different in stressful situations. Like you, I tend to get a little panicky. And, to be honest, my wedding was anything BUT the "best day of my life." But it is only one day. Every day, bad or good, is only one day long. To give a day, either the wedding day or any particularly bad day in the marriage, too much power is to miss the forest for the trees. Marriage is a blessing. However, this is only true of marriages that serve their purposes, one of which is to give the relationship a foundation on which to grow indefinitely. Isn't open communication vital to that growth? It is a myth that open communication means saying anything you want. It really involves communicating feelings with a view to some kind of benefit. I suspect your fiance would be thrilled to be able to help you through those fears. If you frame them this way, as a vulnerable person looking for support from a trusted loved one, he will have the tools needed not to be needlessly offended or hurt. It will instead set a pattern for the rest of your lives together. My husband and I finally got the hang of this. Now our biggest challenge is getting enough sleep when we have one of our marathon conversations in bed. Even now I get a little choked up thinking about this man that I've grown to love so much saying to me, "I know I should be getting to bed but I just don't want to stop talking to you." This intimacy of marriage is available to you, but it takes time. Your parents have had that time so it will be in their home with them after you leave. And you will continue to build it with your husband. 

I am happy for you. I hope you will someday see why. I can't possibly explain it completely. I just hope all this gives you another perspective to add to the mix. Sorry about the length of it!