Replies to 'Empty Nest Blues'
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November 27, 2006, 11:03 am PST
 Quote From: mpowrddeb My son and I have been very close his whole life. His father was never there for either of us, so I was the one to take him to scouts, games and so forth. I divorced his father and married a great guy and we have been together for 9 years now and my son thinks of him as his father. My son was never one to date much or have alot of friends in school so his experience with women is limited. After he got out of high school, he met some people who he started hangin with and was then quite outgoing and was enjoying life, but still didn't have a girlfriend and was quite upset about that. Then......He met this girl who was 18 at the time, he was 23, and has completely taken over his life. She was thrust into our lives because my son and her stayed out too late one night and her parents ended up kicking her out of the house. So we took her in. She moved out in a couple of months, and then my son started staying with her and eventually moved in with her a few months later. It was really hard for me since we were so close....or so I thought. She lies to him and we've caught her in lies so many times and my son just doesn't see it. He quit seeing his friends, quit going to karaoke, and quit coming to our house only unless she was with him. They just got married recently and she has him doing the dishes, cleaning the house, laundry and whatever else she can think of while she sits on the couch. She also has no problem belittling him, telling him off and putting him down in front of the family, even on holidays. The other day, my husband and I went to their house around 11:30 a.m. and I guess they were taking a nap but my son got up and so we stayed and were talking to him. Then his wife came into the room and very rudely told us she wished we had of called because she wasn't even dressed. She started cleaning up the house and acted like we weren't even there. Finally we left and came home. When we got home a message was on the phone from my son to call him. I did and he told me that we should of called and I told him that I didn't realize family had to call to come see them because that is the way it's always been. I also told him that it's ok if she comes to our house without calling, but we can't. I know after we left their house the other day, she railed into him and told him he'd better call us and tell us to call first from now on. What's happened now, is my son and I aren't talking and I don't even feel it matters to him if we are in his life or not. I know he has his own life now, and I don't really get involved in it too much unless we are asked. We've gone into debt for them, we've moved them from place to place, and we just feel we are being used. My question is, were we wrong in not calling? Should this be such a big deal? Should i be the one to call my son? Or should I just wait and see if he even comes around or just wants us out of his life? Anyone who has gone thru this, any advice would be appreciated. It must be very disappointing and hurtful for you to be experiencing this type of distancing/treatment from your son. You said that in the past, you didn’t ‘have’ to call before visiting, so how could you have known that you were supposed to call first this time? You didn’t know. It sounds like his girlfriend is highly controlling. By not speaking with your son, you are giving his girlfriend exactly what she wants- full ‘control’ of him, she wants him totally isolated from people who truly care for him. This way, she can lead him to believe he isn’t worthy of a relationship with friends or family. Instead of proving her right, you need to prove her wrong. It might be difficult to call and say ‘sorry,’ but that is my advice to you. All you have to say to your son is that you didn’t realize not calling was such a big deal, but now that you know this, you will respect their wishes. What his girlfriend wants to hear is that you will disappear; don’t give her that satisfaction! Your son has been a bit brainwashed by this woman; partly because she is the only girlfriend/relationship he has ever experienced. As his mother, you need to support him through thick and thin. I don’t mean financially, though. You should not continue to go into debt for him ever again. He is a grown man and needs to care for his own finances. I wish you well. |
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November 30, 2006, 10:20 am PST
Quote From: mpowrddeb My son and I have been very close his whole life. His father was never there for either of us, so I was the one to take him to scouts, games and so forth. I divorced his father and married a great guy and we have been together for 9 years now and my son thinks of him as his father. My son was never one to date much or have alot of friends in school so his experience with women is limited. After he got out of high school, he met some people who he started hangin with and was then quite outgoing and was enjoying life, but still didn't have a girlfriend and was quite upset about that. Then......He met this girl who was 18 at the time, he was 23, and has completely taken over his life. She was thrust into our lives because my son and her stayed out too late one night and her parents ended up kicking her out of the house. So we took her in. She moved out in a couple of months, and then my son started staying with her and eventually moved in with her a few months later. It was really hard for me since we were so close....or so I thought. She lies to him and we've caught her in lies so many times and my son just doesn't see it. He quit seeing his friends, quit going to karaoke, and quit coming to our house only unless she was with him. They just got married recently and she has him doing the dishes, cleaning the house, laundry and whatever else she can think of while she sits on the couch. She also has no problem belittling him, telling him off and putting him down in front of the family, even on holidays. The other day, my husband and I went to their house around 11:30 a.m. and I guess they were taking a nap but my son got up and so we stayed and were talking to him. Then his wife came into the room and very rudely told us she wished we had of called because she wasn't even dressed. She started cleaning up the house and acted like we weren't even there. Finally we left and came home. When we got home a message was on the phone from my son to call him. I did and he told me that we should of called and I told him that I didn't realize family had to call to come see them because that is the way it's always been. I also told him that it's ok if she comes to our house without calling, but we can't. I know after we left their house the other day, she railed into him and told him he'd better call us and tell us to call first from now on. What's happened now, is my son and I aren't talking and I don't even feel it matters to him if we are in his life or not. I know he has his own life now, and I don't really get involved in it too much unless we are asked. We've gone into debt for them, we've moved them from place to place, and we just feel we are being used. My question is, were we wrong in not calling? Should this be such a big deal? Should i be the one to call my son? Or should I just wait and see if he even comes around or just wants us out of his life? Anyone who has gone thru this, any advice would be appreciated. I can't believe there's a second person in the world who can so closely tell my story verbatim. There's a few variations - but it eerily close. Although she wasn't his first girlfriend.
The biggest difference, after about 2 months of living with us, I asked her to leave for multiple reasons. Some of them were: 1. I didn't feel comfortable attending their honeymoon. 2. They needed to grow up, get their own place, and pay their own bills and see that there was more to an adult relationship than love. 3. What I was watching was an obviously unhealthy relationship that I called mutually dependent. I felt that I was propping up the relationship by doing the housework, etc, and taking all the pressure off of them that they should be growing through. I was no longer a bystander and observer in the success or failure of their relationship. I had become a factor and I didn't like it.
I didn't see her as wife material. I was honest with him about what I thought. I wanted him to do whatever he was going to do with his eyes wide open. However, he's a grown up and it's his decision. I suggested, multiple times, that he marry her.
After she left here, she went home to her parents - about 200 miles away. They tried to keep it together, but after about 4 months they broke up. He's since quit his job and followed her to the next city where he's unemployed and sleeping on a friend's floor. He blames me for the break up. Now, he's decided it's time for him to grow up and thinks the best way to do that is by pitching an air mattress with his kindergarten friend.
That was 2 weeks ago and we've communicated very little. I don't know if they're back together again or not. Right now, I don't want to know. It was me that asked for a 90 day cooling off period. We too feel used. Maybe because we were. It seems to me like we need time for our emotions to settle out before it gets worse.
Yours was an excellent letter for me to read. I've wondered what would have happened if I'd bucked up and let her stay. Now I know. Pretty much what I guessed. That wouldn't have turned out well either.
As a person who's a complete failure, are you sure you want advice from me? If so, here it is. The girls are a symptom, not the disease. Our sons still need our help. They're not complete people if they're willing to behave in such a desperate manner for an 18 year old girl. I can't help mine right now. He's 200 miles away. Yours is still there. Call him. Apologize. Tell him you'll call first before you visit. Be prepared for the day you call and they say it's not convenient. Treat them like grown ups and let the chips fall where they may. Only your son can choose his own fate. But in the end, if he needs you, he knows where to find you. I hope mine is off on a learning experience. I hope yours is too.
If you want to talk more, myemail73@gmail.com
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November 30, 2006, 8:46 pm PST
Quote From: mpowrddeb My son and I have been very close his whole life. His father was never there for either of us, so I was the one to take him to scouts, games and so forth. I divorced his father and married a great guy and we have been together for 9 years now and my son thinks of him as his father. My son was never one to date much or have alot of friends in school so his experience with women is limited. After he got out of high school, he met some people who he started hangin with and was then quite outgoing and was enjoying life, but still didn't have a girlfriend and was quite upset about that. Then......He met this girl who was 18 at the time, he was 23, and has completely taken over his life. She was thrust into our lives because my son and her stayed out too late one night and her parents ended up kicking her out of the house. So we took her in. She moved out in a couple of months, and then my son started staying with her and eventually moved in with her a few months later. It was really hard for me since we were so close....or so I thought. She lies to him and we've caught her in lies so many times and my son just doesn't see it. He quit seeing his friends, quit going to karaoke, and quit coming to our house only unless she was with him. They just got married recently and she has him doing the dishes, cleaning the house, laundry and whatever else she can think of while she sits on the couch. She also has no problem belittling him, telling him off and putting him down in front of the family, even on holidays. The other day, my husband and I went to their house around 11:30 a.m. and I guess they were taking a nap but my son got up and so we stayed and were talking to him. Then his wife came into the room and very rudely told us she wished we had of called because she wasn't even dressed. She started cleaning up the house and acted like we weren't even there. Finally we left and came home. When we got home a message was on the phone from my son to call him. I did and he told me that we should of called and I told him that I didn't realize family had to call to come see them because that is the way it's always been. I also told him that it's ok if she comes to our house without calling, but we can't. I know after we left their house the other day, she railed into him and told him he'd better call us and tell us to call first from now on. What's happened now, is my son and I aren't talking and I don't even feel it matters to him if we are in his life or not. I know he has his own life now, and I don't really get involved in it too much unless we are asked. We've gone into debt for them, we've moved them from place to place, and we just feel we are being used. My question is, were we wrong in not calling? Should this be such a big deal? Should i be the one to call my son? Or should I just wait and see if he even comes around or just wants us out of his life? Anyone who has gone thru this, any advice would be appreciated. One of the hardest things a mother has to do is let her child go. If you want to stay in your son's life, you have to let him make his own mistakes - as painful as it is for you. Otherwise what you're implying is that he's not adult enough to make choices about his life. Don't forget that you too made a mistake in a life partner, and look what a wonderful child it produced. Try to be there when the kids need you, but otherwise, bite your tongue!
You're lucky to have your child so close to you, so, if you have to call, by all means call! It's not that big of a request.
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