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kjb1972
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November 6, 2005, 8:03 am PST

Breaking Up

Quote From: aba1969

Hi all,

 

My ex common law husband for 4 years and me had a 6 yrs. old daughter.  During those time of separation, we were off and on until last time was December 2004.  He had dated here and there and had a girlfriend in 2004 but only lasts 5 months.  He introduced our daughter to this girl only once.  After that girl, he dated another one that only lasts 3 months.  He came back to me and got back together again but only lasts for not even 2 weeks.  After a month he started seeing a new girl and already started exposing our daughter to her.  They are still together and both been spending time with my daughter sometime every other weekend when my daughter is with him. I overheard on his voice mail messages that this girl is already saying I love you to him.  I know it is not illegal for him to expose my daughter to her..but it's making me really angry.  I wanted to know this girl so I know who my daughter is spending time with when she is with her dad but he would not introduce her to me.  He already introduce her to her family but not to me.  Am I entitled to know or for him to introduce to me to his girlfriend or is this out of my business? 

 I know exactly how you are feeling, I went thru this a few years ago.  My boyfriend and I were together for 7 years. When we split, our son was 4 years old.  My son would come home from his weekend visits with his dad and say things like:  "I slept in bed with Daddy and Stephanie", then a few weeks later " Daddy and Tiffany took me to the races".............I was livid!!!!!!!   I was so angry that I could not see straight.   I tried for many months to "control" what goes on when he was at his dads but I eventually learned that I have NO CONTROL over what takes place over there.  I finally just had a very long talk with my ex and told him that I was not exposing our son to the men in my life and I would appreciate it if he did the same with his women. I told him I had a "3 month rule" and if I was still with someone after 3 months, then they could meet my son.  Of course he said that I was jealous and that I was blowing it all out of proportion.  But, I also told him that we are setting examples for our son by our actions .  I also told him that each time he rids a girl that our son was close to, then gets a new one and then she leaves; that our son  feels abandonded by each woman.  Its bad enough that mommy and daddy split, he does not need to feel abandonded by anyone.  I told him that I knew in my heart that he was good dad and would not want to hurt his son and I trusted he would do the right thing after our talk.  After this long talk it seemed that my ex took my advise. Now he is engaged, living with his fiance. So thankfully I do not have to worry about it anymore.
My point to you is that unfortunately you can not control what happens when your daughter is with her daddy.  I know that is not what you want to hear... trust me .. I know!! LOL
I think you should talk to your ex and/or write him a letter.  Make sure the conversation stays on topic "your daughters best interest" , if you steer away from that , your ex will probably say what mine did.  Your jealous, you are blowing things out of proportion etc...

Good luck!!
 
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italiana13
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November 29, 2005, 7:03 am PST

Not right Period !!

Quote From: aba1969

Hi all,

 

My ex common law husband for 4 years and me had a 6 yrs. old daughter.  During those time of separation, we were off and on until last time was December 2004.  He had dated here and there and had a girlfriend in 2004 but only lasts 5 months.  He introduced our daughter to this girl only once.  After that girl, he dated another one that only lasts 3 months.  He came back to me and got back together again but only lasts for not even 2 weeks.  After a month he started seeing a new girl and already started exposing our daughter to her.  They are still together and both been spending time with my daughter sometime every other weekend when my daughter is with him. I overheard on his voice mail messages that this girl is already saying I love you to him.  I know it is not illegal for him to expose my daughter to her..but it's making me really angry.  I wanted to know this girl so I know who my daughter is spending time with when she is with her dad but he would not introduce her to me.  He already introduce her to her family but not to me.  Am I entitled to know or for him to introduce to me to his girlfriend or is this out of my business? 

Hi there, 

  

     I read your post and have to say I would feel the same way you do.  It is not good for the child to have all these changes.  I would sit down with him and explain your feelings.  Some guys just want the cake and eat it to.  Well not by my books anymore.  I am older and wiser.  Have been there, done that, & not so nice anymore.  I state my opinions and tell the man how I feel so many times but if there is no compassion, support, understanding, respect there is nothing.  Hope I have helped somewhat.  You sound so nice and just wanted to pop by and let you know how I felt.  There are so many people on this board, but yours caught my attention when you said ex-common law husband.  Please take care of U !!  ciao for now:))  email me if you would like inspiration13@rogers.com.  welcome to visit my site here at italiana13.   xoxo 
 
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sherisekr
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November 28, 2006, 7:20 pm PST

You can't worry about him..

Quote From: aba1969

Hi all,

 

My ex common law husband for 4 years and me had a 6 yrs. old daughter.  During those time of separation, we were off and on until last time was December 2004.  He had dated here and there and had a girlfriend in 2004 but only lasts 5 months.  He introduced our daughter to this girl only once.  After that girl, he dated another one that only lasts 3 months.  He came back to me and got back together again but only lasts for not even 2 weeks.  After a month he started seeing a new girl and already started exposing our daughter to her.  They are still together and both been spending time with my daughter sometime every other weekend when my daughter is with him. I overheard on his voice mail messages that this girl is already saying I love you to him.  I know it is not illegal for him to expose my daughter to her..but it's making me really angry.  I wanted to know this girl so I know who my daughter is spending time with when she is with her dad but he would not introduce her to me.  He already introduce her to her family but not to me.  Am I entitled to know or for him to introduce to me to his girlfriend or is this out of my business? 

He will not put HIS daughter in dangers. You don't have to meet the female he is with. If he lets you meet her, good, but he won't. You cannot stress yourself about something you cannot change. Can you stop him from dating other woman? Can you stop him from introducing HIS daughter to woman? No. Move on. Focus on your daughter. Keep raising your daughter to be a wonderful, respectful, confident and smart young girl. Men are different from women. What have you been doing from 2004 until now? Are you dating? If you are, did your daughter meet your date? Find a hobby, read a book, go to dinner with a friend, go to the movies. Life is to short to be stressed out. If you believe in God, pray. Leave it in God's hand.
 
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rcjsmom
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May 10, 2007, 8:43 am PDT

Dealing with the new females...

Quote From: aba1969

Hi all,

 

My ex common law husband for 4 years and me had a 6 yrs. old daughter.  During those time of separation, we were off and on until last time was December 2004.  He had dated here and there and had a girlfriend in 2004 but only lasts 5 months.  He introduced our daughter to this girl only once.  After that girl, he dated another one that only lasts 3 months.  He came back to me and got back together again but only lasts for not even 2 weeks.  After a month he started seeing a new girl and already started exposing our daughter to her.  They are still together and both been spending time with my daughter sometime every other weekend when my daughter is with him. I overheard on his voice mail messages that this girl is already saying I love you to him.  I know it is not illegal for him to expose my daughter to her..but it's making me really angry.  I wanted to know this girl so I know who my daughter is spending time with when she is with her dad but he would not introduce her to me.  He already introduce her to her family but not to me.  Am I entitled to know or for him to introduce to me to his girlfriend or is this out of my business? 

My exBoyfriend and I had been together 7 years when he, out of the blue, brought his new girlfriend over to my house to flaunt his infidelity in my face. Both of my parents were being treated for cancer at the time and my grandmother had died just a few months earlier. I was devastated. This girl was half my age and I could not believe his cruelty. In the 9 months since he did that, he's had 3 females that I know about in and out of our son's life. He likes to bring them over so I have to know he's with someone, but he wants me to stay away afraid I will tell them something he has lied about. One thing I know is it's easier to blame the new female than to look barefaced at the person i loved and believed when he said he would love me forever as a barefaced liar. He was a fraud, and I ignored redflags to believe his lies. I was angry at the little bimbo he brought over the first time, she knew what he was doing, so he said... I reacted very negatively. What he did was cruel. But I've come to realize his own trends at destroying females and ruining lives when he can't get what he wants, so I try not to focus on the other female. Bryant will show his true colors in his own time. He's been divorced twice and the mother of his child he refused to marry, though he would talk about it to manipulate me into doing something. I'm betting your anger is more related to the unfinished business with your ex more than wanting to know who's spending time with your child. I understand that rejection...my 3 year old got very mad if I did something Jessica would do, as though she was the only one who could do it. It was hard to be rejected by my boyfriend, and my son at the same time. But Jessica is gone now, we survived Sylvia, and I don't know the name of the girl he brought over last. They are nameless faceless people who are next in line to get hurt, and YOUR job should be to focus on the stablity of your own presence with your child. Once your daughter learns these people come and go, she'll stop attaching to them, especially if you're stable and constant for her. That's the way I'm focusing on my situation. I'm sad for my ex, who I hoped he was rather than the reality of what I saw. I have to work with him, and see him every day. He can put on a happy face, but I know he's miserable inside. These people he keeps surrounding himself with are only to bolster a broken character and bruised ego. Whatever your ex is searching for, it's not emotionally healthy for you child that he's exposing her, but it's not healthy for you to obsess over it either. I see my ex EVERY workday. We sit 50' apart. He will not look at me when we pass in the hall, and he won't even say hi. If he has to ask me something regarding our son, he threatens me to try to intimidate me into giving into his demands. I know about hurtful ex's. But if you're focused upon him (and I'm not always successful at this), you're not focusing on you or your child. Hang tough. I do know it's hard. Your child deserves one stable parent in her life, if she can't have two.
 
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jaimie1974
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June 5, 2008, 11:50 am PDT

ex's girlfriend

Quote From: aba1969

Hi all,

 

My ex common law husband for 4 years and me had a 6 yrs. old daughter.  During those time of separation, we were off and on until last time was December 2004.  He had dated here and there and had a girlfriend in 2004 but only lasts 5 months.  He introduced our daughter to this girl only once.  After that girl, he dated another one that only lasts 3 months.  He came back to me and got back together again but only lasts for not even 2 weeks.  After a month he started seeing a new girl and already started exposing our daughter to her.  They are still together and both been spending time with my daughter sometime every other weekend when my daughter is with him. I overheard on his voice mail messages that this girl is already saying I love you to him.  I know it is not illegal for him to expose my daughter to her..but it's making me really angry.  I wanted to know this girl so I know who my daughter is spending time with when she is with her dad but he would not introduce her to me.  He already introduce her to her family but not to me.  Am I entitled to know or for him to introduce to me to his girlfriend or is this out of my business? 

I can understand why you are annoyed with your ex regarding this issue. You share a child together, and out of concern for her, you want to know who your ex is hanging out with. However, in my opinion, it is unreasonable for you to expect your ex to introduce his new girlfriend to you. Your child is now 6; she can tell you if there is anything mean about this new woman. Also, your ex must be good with your child, otherwise his visitation would be compromised. This means that he is, most likely, going to have your child’s best interests in mind and he wouldn’t have someone mean hanging around her. Your ex has moved on, making a new life for himself. You need to do the same. Focus your time and energy where you have some control- that is on yourself. Don’t focus on what your ex is or isn’t doing; focus on making your life healthy and happy. I wish you the best!
 
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wudyousif
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June 10, 2008, 12:04 am PDT

hi

Quote From: aba1969

Hi all,

 

My ex common law husband for 4 years and me had a 6 yrs. old daughter.  During those time of separation, we were off and on until last time was December 2004.  He had dated here and there and had a girlfriend in 2004 but only lasts 5 months.  He introduced our daughter to this girl only once.  After that girl, he dated another one that only lasts 3 months.  He came back to me and got back together again but only lasts for not even 2 weeks.  After a month he started seeing a new girl and already started exposing our daughter to her.  They are still together and both been spending time with my daughter sometime every other weekend when my daughter is with him. I overheard on his voice mail messages that this girl is already saying I love you to him.  I know it is not illegal for him to expose my daughter to her..but it's making me really angry.  I wanted to know this girl so I know who my daughter is spending time with when she is with her dad but he would not introduce her to me.  He already introduce her to her family but not to me.  Am I entitled to know or for him to introduce to me to his girlfriend or is this out of my business? 

 
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sassyheart
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April 3, 2009, 11:23 am PDT

meeting other gf

Quote From: aba1969

Hi all,

 

My ex common law husband for 4 years and me had a 6 yrs. old daughter.  During those time of separation, we were off and on until last time was December 2004.  He had dated here and there and had a girlfriend in 2004 but only lasts 5 months.  He introduced our daughter to this girl only once.  After that girl, he dated another one that only lasts 3 months.  He came back to me and got back together again but only lasts for not even 2 weeks.  After a month he started seeing a new girl and already started exposing our daughter to her.  They are still together and both been spending time with my daughter sometime every other weekend when my daughter is with him. I overheard on his voice mail messages that this girl is already saying I love you to him.  I know it is not illegal for him to expose my daughter to her..but it's making me really angry.  I wanted to know this girl so I know who my daughter is spending time with when she is with her dad but he would not introduce her to me.  He already introduce her to her family but not to me.  Am I entitled to know or for him to introduce to me to his girlfriend or is this out of my business? 

I think it is important to meet the gf. I would want to know who my children were around. I think it also helps they know important things about your child such as allergies, sleep patterns, the little things about kids some men just don't care to notice.

Wouldn't your ex want to know who was around his daughter when you have someone? Maybe you should tell your ex you would like to be his new girlfriend since they are spending so much time together & your daughter is spending time with her family.

Or next time he comes to p/u your daughter if she is with him go out & introduce yourself.
 
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kimikomine
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June 19, 2009, 2:53 am PDT

In most cases,

Quote From: aba1969

Hi all,

 

My ex common law husband for 4 years and me had a 6 yrs. old daughter.  During those time of separation, we were off and on until last time was December 2004.  He had dated here and there and had a girlfriend in 2004 but only lasts 5 months.  He introduced our daughter to this girl only once.  After that girl, he dated another one that only lasts 3 months.  He came back to me and got back together again but only lasts for not even 2 weeks.  After a month he started seeing a new girl and already started exposing our daughter to her.  They are still together and both been spending time with my daughter sometime every other weekend when my daughter is with him. I overheard on his voice mail messages that this girl is already saying I love you to him.  I know it is not illegal for him to expose my daughter to her..but it's making me really angry.  I wanted to know this girl so I know who my daughter is spending time with when she is with her dad but he would not introduce her to me.  He already introduce her to her family but not to me.  Am I entitled to know or for him to introduce to me to his girlfriend or is this out of my business? 

I would think everyone would want, for lack of a better word, to meet.  When a child is involved it is a good idea to keep everyone on a friendly term basis, for the child's sake. She should want to mee you, he should want to meet anyonne you decided to date, and you should want to meet her.  At least once. This shows the child that there are no secrets and no one is getting hurt, not mommie, not daddie. It shows her that mom and dad are ok and are friends. What more can a kid ask for? 

 

Your anger is your fear. Someone is going to have to step up to plate here, looks like it will be you. Make a plan to all meet, without the child first, then with the child if the first visit goes smooth. Then that is it....Good luck.
 
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