Replies to 'Dealing with Postpartum Depression'

Quote From: shawcnc

On June 13, 2006, I was admitted to the hospital to have an induction.  My third child was coming that day, and I was so excited to see him.  I couldn't wait to have this baby, as my heath was becoming an issue with this pregnancy.  After about 10 1/2 hours of mild labor, my water broke.  I felt so happy, it was getting close.  I knew, being my third delivery that he would be arriving very soon.  Then, all hell broke loose.  The umbilical cord was coming out first, and within seconds there were 10 people surrounding my bed, yelling, hurrying. I was completely put under and within 12 minutes my son was born, via emergency c-section.  I missed it.  My husband missed it (they wouldn't let him in the room).  The moment we had so been waiting for was stolen.  After I realized what happened, the guilt became more than I could handle.  It was the worst feeling. Then, dealing with a larger than normal incision on my tired body (because they were in a hurry) just doubled all my feelings.  I didn't realize just how much trouble I was in until the day we left the hospital.  I didn't want to leave.  I couldn't do it.  How could I be expected to take care of this baby when I felt so horrible.   I cried all the way home, and for about 2 weeks straight after that.  It was the worst feeling.  Here was this most beautiful baby and he could have died before he ever had the chance to take his first breath.  My other two children, a son 12, and a daughter 9, just didn't know what to do, and I couldn't help them understand because I didn't understand it myself.  I didn't get off the couch, I didn't shower, I didn't eat, I didn't do anything but hold the baby and cry.  I was in a sprial straight down and couldn't do anything about it.  It got so bad, my husband call the doctor, without my knowledge, and took me for help.  I'm better now, although some days I still feel very sad.  I do blame myself for the way Jesse was born, because if I hadn't had the induction, maybe he could have came along the natural way (as my other two did), and not so tramatically. I do, however, count my blessings because he is here, he is healthy, and he is so much stinkin fun.  I can't change the past, but I can make the future something to look forward to for all three of my babies.