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Replies to 'Relationship Myths'
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September 12, 2005, 1:19 pm PDT
 Quote From: curtis I am a 25 years old young man and I am married to a 34 old woman. We have been married for three years and have not yet started a family. While we were going out and in the first two years of marraige, we were very happy and everything worked out really well, or at least I thought it did. The problem was that we covered up all our frustrations and fears with the hope that it would disappear. I did'nt and now we are faced with it. Here are some of our problems: -I lost all my friends my age and I cannot fit in with the married couples we are supposed to hang out with, because they are all so much older than I am - We want different things in our life at the moment, I am building a career while she wants to start a family -She is no longer attractive to me, because her body is changing and she is becoming grey -We no longer have sex because we cannot satisfy each other anymore -I feel the desire to go out with friends and she always wants to hang with other couples -We are living seperate lives
These are some of our problems and I hope I don't sound selfish, but i have tried to surpress my feelings and it justs keeps coming back to me. Before I got married many people tried to warn me that this would happen, but I was truly blinded by love. It is also difficult to talk to my family and people close to me, because the first that I'm gonna hear is: "I told you so... " I still love her, but I am torn apart by these feelings.
Can anyone give me advice, because we have come to a point where we should decide if we want to carry on or go our seperate, the latter would be devastating because we still love each other. The big question on my mind is; do we stay together and remain unhappy, do we split up and search for happiness elsewhere or do we stay together until things get better when I am 35 and she is 44?
I am looking forward to someone's response Love can get us through a lot, but sometimes it can be difficult. You're already married, so all you can do is work through them the best you can. When it comes to children, I'm sorry but it's now or never. If you're going to have them with this lady, it's only going to get dangerous for her and the child from here on out. If you don't want children, for God's sake be a man and tell her so, so she can have them with someone else quickly. It really is almost too late for her. The loss of friends and feeling out of place with each others' age groups, her waning attractiveness to you, and the differences in sexual needs are all par for the territory. You should have considered these things with more seriousness before taking the plunge. You are entitled to your feelings, we all make mistakes. The question is, what do you do about it? I can't tell you what to do, and I wouldn't even if I could. I would be honest with her though, you owe it to her. And work it out with her, don't do anything rash on your own that is going to make the problems bigger and messier. |
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September 13, 2005, 12:44 pm PDT
Quote From: curtis I am a 25 years old young man and I am married to a 34 old woman. We have been married for three years and have not yet started a family. While we were going out and in the first two years of marraige, we were very happy and everything worked out really well, or at least I thought it did. The problem was that we covered up all our frustrations and fears with the hope that it would disappear. I did'nt and now we are faced with it. Here are some of our problems: -I lost all my friends my age and I cannot fit in with the married couples we are supposed to hang out with, because they are all so much older than I am - We want different things in our life at the moment, I am building a career while she wants to start a family -She is no longer attractive to me, because her body is changing and she is becoming grey -We no longer have sex because we cannot satisfy each other anymore -I feel the desire to go out with friends and she always wants to hang with other couples -We are living seperate lives
These are some of our problems and I hope I don't sound selfish, but i have tried to surpress my feelings and it justs keeps coming back to me. Before I got married many people tried to warn me that this would happen, but I was truly blinded by love. It is also difficult to talk to my family and people close to me, because the first that I'm gonna hear is: "I told you so... " I still love her, but I am torn apart by these feelings.
Can anyone give me advice, because we have come to a point where we should decide if we want to carry on or go our seperate, the latter would be devastating because we still love each other. The big question on my mind is; do we stay together and remain unhappy, do we split up and search for happiness elsewhere or do we stay together until things get better when I am 35 and she is 44?
I am looking forward to someone's response Is it really the age difference keeping you distant? I am 7 1/2 years older than my husband and my clock is ticking as well. My husband and I discussed all these things long before we thought of getting married. Your wife being older, I'm hoping these things came up before you got married?
If you love her, talk to her and open up to her. She should understand your concerns and you need to consider hers.
Is it you do not fit in with her friends or you choose not to? What about your friends, do they have too much of an influence on you to crave that young single life and is that why you feel you don't fit in with them anymore? Or is it you choose not to fit in with them anymore? You didn't "lose" your friends, they did not accept your wanting to move on to the next phase in life. My guess is you walked away from them.
As far as not being attracted to your wife because her body is changing, well, if you take on a 20 year old wife, her body will change too after children and age and you'll be in the same place you are now. You knew when you married her that she would age and with age changes happen. Accept them! It should be her heart and mind you love and are attracted to, NOT her body.
Is it really that you can no longer satisfy each other or because you're choosing to live separate lives you are not attracted to each other right now? Every married couple goes through this. It's normal.
Talk to your wife, tell her your wants and fears about having children right now but remember, her clock is ticking quite loudly. And remember what it was that "blinded you with love" that you chose to accept her as she is and build a life with her.
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September 13, 2005, 4:56 pm PDT
Quote From: curtis I am a 25 years old young man and I am married to a 34 old woman. We have been married for three years and have not yet started a family. While we were going out and in the first two years of marraige, we were very happy and everything worked out really well, or at least I thought it did. The problem was that we covered up all our frustrations and fears with the hope that it would disappear. I did'nt and now we are faced with it. Here are some of our problems: -I lost all my friends my age and I cannot fit in with the married couples we are supposed to hang out with, because they are all so much older than I am - We want different things in our life at the moment, I am building a career while she wants to start a family -She is no longer attractive to me, because her body is changing and she is becoming grey -We no longer have sex because we cannot satisfy each other anymore -I feel the desire to go out with friends and she always wants to hang with other couples -We are living seperate lives
These are some of our problems and I hope I don't sound selfish, but i have tried to surpress my feelings and it justs keeps coming back to me. Before I got married many people tried to warn me that this would happen, but I was truly blinded by love. It is also difficult to talk to my family and people close to me, because the first that I'm gonna hear is: "I told you so... " I still love her, but I am torn apart by these feelings.
Can anyone give me advice, because we have come to a point where we should decide if we want to carry on or go our seperate, the latter would be devastating because we still love each other. The big question on my mind is; do we stay together and remain unhappy, do we split up and search for happiness elsewhere or do we stay together until things get better when I am 35 and she is 44?
I am looking forward to someone's response Marriage is about two people and if the two of you really want a good loving and lasting marriage you have to work together. You must communicate and respect each others feelings and concerns, as well as each others dreams and desires, it is both of your responsibility to be there for each other. I was 37 when I had my first child and 39 when I had my second, and though I have no regrets at this point, there was a time when I thought it was never going to happen and I was bitter and sad, I thought my biological clock was running out and there was no hope for me, you need to realize that women especially have this built in desire to bare children as we are pretty much the care giver gender, it is her right and privelege to have these feelings and desires, please do not rob her of her dreams and desires, at the same time, she needs to respect your dreams and desires as well, this is why communication is so imporant, if you keep surpressing everything, your marriage will certainly die. it is imporant to talk and set goals, Value her wishes and let her know that you want to help meet her desires. When my hubby and I met and started dating, we talked so much about our future and what we each wanted and desired, we entered marriage thinking everything was under control but really it wasn't. He brought in fears and lack of confidence when it came to raising kids and that certainly caused some issues, but once he opened up to me and we were able to discuss it, we worked together and got through it and we now have two beautiful little girls and he absolutely adores them, he is the best father that two little ones could ever ask for. Again, marriage is about two people, it takes love, respect, honor, communication and even sacrifices and compromise. I suppose it all depends on how much you want your marriage? I think divorce is a cop out for most couples, it is just to easy to get a divorce, I think it is the lazy way out of coming together and working things out. My husband and I still have our seperate lives even though we have young children, He works and has friends that he goes out with, I am a stay at home mom and still have friends to go out with, it is about working together. Just because you have a family does not mean you have to quit building your career and a life together, Work out a plan that will work out for both of you, it is possible to have a family, a career, a loving relationship and friends, it is all a matter of putting things into perspective and balancing life, may not always be easy but well worth the effort, believe me, I have been in your wifes shoes and I do know how she feels, and remember that even though the medical technology is so much better then it was 20 years ago and it is much safer for a woman in her thirties to have babies, there is still a higher risk of baring handicap children, so think about her feelings and state of mind as a female with a great desire, think about her reasonings and input and I would expect her to do the same thing with you, afterall, it is about both of you. Maybe it is time to see a counselor just to help you both sort these things out and to help you to learn to communicate and to put things into perspective, sometimes hearing it from a third party can make the difference. |
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July 30, 2007, 11:34 am PDT
Quote From: curtis I am a 25 years old young man and I am married to a 34 old woman. We have been married for three years and have not yet started a family. While we were going out and in the first two years of marraige, we were very happy and everything worked out really well, or at least I thought it did. The problem was that we covered up all our frustrations and fears with the hope that it would disappear. I did'nt and now we are faced with it. Here are some of our problems: -I lost all my friends my age and I cannot fit in with the married couples we are supposed to hang out with, because they are all so much older than I am - We want different things in our life at the moment, I am building a career while she wants to start a family -She is no longer attractive to me, because her body is changing and she is becoming grey -We no longer have sex because we cannot satisfy each other anymore -I feel the desire to go out with friends and she always wants to hang with other couples -We are living seperate lives
These are some of our problems and I hope I don't sound selfish, but i have tried to surpress my feelings and it justs keeps coming back to me. Before I got married many people tried to warn me that this would happen, but I was truly blinded by love. It is also difficult to talk to my family and people close to me, because the first that I'm gonna hear is: "I told you so... " I still love her, but I am torn apart by these feelings.
Can anyone give me advice, because we have come to a point where we should decide if we want to carry on or go our seperate, the latter would be devastating because we still love each other. The big question on my mind is; do we stay together and remain unhappy, do we split up and search for happiness elsewhere or do we stay together until things get better when I am 35 and she is 44?
I am looking forward to someone's response I am 7 years older than my man ( I'm 43 now) and in the nearly the same position, except for I do not want children and he says he does not either so at least if we get really tired of each other we can just move on, no harm, no foul, no regrets.
I am the socilalite and he is the recluse. It's hard for me to live like this but he is a very nice person and I do care for and love him. We could be great companions in old age. I feel though that he has wasted the best years of his life with me, although he does not say he agrees with that theory. However, I can see that he is unhappy after 12 years. Not unhappy directed towards me, just obviously unhappy, lethargic, reclusive, apathetic, etc. We have not had sex for over a year and I'm dealing with that fine. It's not like I have not had my share of sexual experiences enough to last a lifetime, so I've not been deprived of that experience, but he certainly has not been around the block much as much as I and I feel sorry for him that I am not to be able to meet his needs anymore.
I almost wish he would have an affair so he could have some real drama and exctiement in his life, some stories to tell in old age, and then we could retire together, but he is too upstanding for that.
It's sad really. It's pathetic. When I mention this stuff to him he cries a the thought that we would not be together anymore. I'm stumped for what to do for myself or my good man, but for you the answer is clear.
Get out now while you guys are still friends!
This will not get better on it's own with time. For God's sake do not have children until you get this ironed out. If you think you have relationship problems now just wait til you have kids. It will be exponential problems.
Perhaps neither of you has what it takes to be in a lifetime relationship yet. And the age difference is a problem at this stage, but will becomes less of a problem by the time you get to 35 but good lord man, you should not have to wait that long to enjoy your life. You are 25. These are the best years of your life. Please get out of this extra close relationship and do not get in another until you are ready for children yourself.
It sucks that it is this way, but this is real life. Your friends were right.
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