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Replies to 'General Advice'
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December 8, 2006, 8:48 am PST
 Quote From: must_dance Hi,
I have been separated for the past 20 months. My 15 yr old (soon to be 16) has been living with me since Dec. of last yr. He tried living with his father and couldn't deal with it. His father loves him, but is a very controlling and manipulative individual. In May of this yr his father started dating, a "former" friend of mine... hence the reason it is "former". I have been very civil, even going out of my way to talk to them when we are attending the same functions.
I am in a relationship... for the past 5 mos. It is going very well and I have respected my son's request that my boyfriend not stay the night. I however, will stay one night at my boyfriend's and have discussed this with both my children... I also have a 13yr old daughter. My son, bottom line, can't deal with my "dating". He has also let "slip" some of what his father has been saying and from what I can understand he is being told that I care only for my relationship and not for him! I play volley-ball on Wednesday nights... this was even before my "relationship". However, I am home all the other nights of the week and on Sunday evenings. My boyfriend is very accommodating and does not want to interfere with my relationship with my children. My daughter feels that I am being fair and accessible... even when I am away, I am accessible.
I just feel overwhelmed. Trying to balance everyone's needs and be fair and not feel GUILTY. Now my son wants to stay at his father's during the week and my place on all weekends... this I know is his father's plan. My ex is now saying that he has "full" custody and has dropped support payments for my son!
I would really appreciate some advice. My son is being used as a pawn and I don't want him to be "dragged" into this, however, I do have a right to my social life and my building my personal relationship. It seems I can't do enough!!!
Help please!!! I know there are a LOT of people who will likely disagree with me on this. But when you have children...their needs are to be considered first. You are the boys' mother. And I can tell you from personal experience and observation that sons hold their mothers to higher standards than they do their fathers. He's not comfortable with his mother having an OBVIOUS sexual relationship with another man. Is that fair to you? Likely not. But you had him...and just b/c he's a teenager doesn't mean he doesn't have feelings about issues like this. If he were a very small child...you could spend the night with your b/f and no one would be the wiser. Taking into consideration that the child was at dad's, grandma's, etc. for the night. You might be accessible, but that isn't what he's looking for. Your son is going to have a hard time accepting someone into your life in this way. At least it would appear so. You're going to have to put your life on the back burner for the time being. Right now, he needs you in a certain way. He doesn't want your boyfriend spending the night, and he doesn't want you spending the night over there. That doesn't sound fair...but you're his PARENT. Your son's feelings of your not caring for him and only caring for your b/f might be his own. Kids don't need coaching for those feelings. He's likely still reeling from your split with his father, and hasn't adjusted to those feelings yet. It takes a lot of time for kids to recover when their world as they thought it is shattered. Just so you know...I'm certainly not holding myself up as some saint here. I too separated from my kids father, and it took me three YEARS before I started reclaiming my own life. And that was after a lot of talks with my kids...and all of us getting our lives in order. It didn't come easy. I'm not saying you don't have a right to your own life...you certainly do. But right now your son is hurting, and he is your life. Until he's got one of his own, and has started his own life...he's still very much a part of yours. When I started dating, I didn't spend the night. My b/f didn't spend the night. I just didn't think that it was the kind of thing my son needed to try to accept about his mother. He wasn't ready for it. Now..we all live together, and quite happily. My son's father died during our separation, and he's now got a great relationship with my SO. All four of my kids adore this man. He's the only father my 6yo knows. My kids know they have someone in their life that will walk through fire for them the same as their mother would. A lot of people would judge me for choosing not to marry this man, and making him my life partner instead. These are all issues that my children and I discuss and it's just something that isn't that big of a deal. I've been with this man over 3 years now...and he is truly my life partner. I wouldn't have taken this step with him if I didn't think it would be that way. I would have just stayed on my own. But enough about me. I sooooo understand about you wanting to reclaim your life. I understand about the loneliness, etc. that comes from being on your own. Been there, done that. But until your son is at a place in his life where he can come to terms with it, you're going to have to keep your relationship to where it's not so "in your face". There are ways to be intimate with your b/f that your son doesn't have to be aware of. I know you have an open and honest r-ship with your kids, and that's great. But their mother's sex life is something they don't need to know about. I wish you much luck with reclaiming your life, and continuing forward. Happiness with your children and any future partner that may enter your life.
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December 8, 2006, 6:08 pm PST
Quote From: must_dance Hi,
I have been separated for the past 20 months. My 15 yr old (soon to be 16) has been living with me since Dec. of last yr. He tried living with his father and couldn't deal with it. His father loves him, but is a very controlling and manipulative individual. In May of this yr his father started dating, a "former" friend of mine... hence the reason it is "former". I have been very civil, even going out of my way to talk to them when we are attending the same functions.
I am in a relationship... for the past 5 mos. It is going very well and I have respected my son's request that my boyfriend not stay the night. I however, will stay one night at my boyfriend's and have discussed this with both my children... I also have a 13yr old daughter. My son, bottom line, can't deal with my "dating". He has also let "slip" some of what his father has been saying and from what I can understand he is being told that I care only for my relationship and not for him! I play volley-ball on Wednesday nights... this was even before my "relationship". However, I am home all the other nights of the week and on Sunday evenings. My boyfriend is very accommodating and does not want to interfere with my relationship with my children. My daughter feels that I am being fair and accessible... even when I am away, I am accessible.
I just feel overwhelmed. Trying to balance everyone's needs and be fair and not feel GUILTY. Now my son wants to stay at his father's during the week and my place on all weekends... this I know is his father's plan. My ex is now saying that he has "full" custody and has dropped support payments for my son!
I would really appreciate some advice. My son is being used as a pawn and I don't want him to be "dragged" into this, however, I do have a right to my social life and my building my personal relationship. It seems I can't do enough!!!
Help please!!! The first thing I thought of when reading your post is the fact that we as parents are our children's primary caregivers and example. You're first priority should be your children and you should be home with them, you are not married to this guy and you are giving your children the message that it is ok to go out and spend the night with your boyfriend, Your children are teenagers and if not already, chances are they are going to be dating soon and what happens when they decide they want to take one night a week and spend it with their boy/girlfriend? Yes, they are minors and you are an adult, but you have to choose your battles here and hopefully you decide to choose to set the good example for them in this situation.
If we as parents want our children to respect us then we must respect them as well. Don't really know what else to say here but seriously, your kids need you at home, afterall they are still minors.
Your children are already dragged into this as that is usually what divorce does, therefore it is up to your and your ex and everyone else involved to start working as a team and quit playing the kids against one another. Seems like your son is feeling a bit pulled himself and that isn't fair to him, gotta pick your battles.
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