Replies to '12/15 Children of Addicts'

Wow, alot of what you wrote sounds like my life. My husband of 26 years is a son of a alcoholic,  which I did not learn until after we were married. I never ever noticed a drinking problem until we moved away from family and friends across the U.S to the south. My older brother actually pointed it out to me. Finally, I began to look closely and monitor his behavior.  In the last 6 years, his drinking has escaluated.  His moods change and is very verbally abusive. Several times he even has gotten physical and finally found the courage to call the police. He blames me for everything and our 2 kids believe him. I feel so alone, not knowing who to speak to.

We have gone to counseling, and the counselor wanted him to go to Anger Management classes, but he refused to go and said why should he go when he knows what the problem is. Me!  Our counselor suggested I speak to his mother about this, but she basically told me she couldn't /wouldn't help, that I should not get a divorce because of the children.  I have been very open to all the suggestions my counselor has provided, but I told her it's too difficult to do it one sided.  She told me that "you chose him." That really hurt me.  I didn't know how to respond,  I know that, but I came for you for help.

My husband is not a great father at all, my 15 yr old son is actively smoking marijuana and my husband thinks it's my fault he's smoking. He basically has taken a back seat to the whole thing. He will do anything for the kids, not making them into responsible individuals.  He lets them do whatever. He would never ask who they would hang out with, what time they are coming home, etc., all the normal things a parent does. When I step in, I am labeled the Bitch and causing trouble.  He says I am being selfish and a bitch. When the kids talk back to me or call me horrible horrible names, he does nothing about it. Mute to the whole situation. I really can't take it anymore.  I have lost everything that I love. My husband has ruined my relationship with my two kids, 20 and 15. I have been laid off from a couple of jobs and cannot find anything because I do not speak spanish. I feel so captive to my husband and his abuse. All this talk about what to do is so scary.  I want to start to expose my husband's behavior to his co-workers, friends and his extended family. Should I do this, or am I heading into MORE TROUBLE?  We all can't go on the Dr. PHil show, but I need some help.  I am so sorry for the rampling on and on. But, this is the first time I have had the chance to talk about this where someone will understand. Thanks,

Dear, you need to get yourself to an Al-Anon meeting.  Take your life back, that doesn't neccessarily mean divorce.  In those rooms you can learn to lead a happier, healthier life with or without the alcoholic, whether he is still drinking or not.  You owe it to yourself and to your kids to become a healthy, productive person.

Your first reaction when you see these happy reassured people will probably be "there is no way they've been where I am."  But belive it, they have!  I was too. In Al-Anon I took a good hard look at my life - good, bad & ugly - and took it all back.  Today I am so much happier, better able to cope, and unafraid of my future. 

And the change in you may help your children and husband as well.

Don't apologize that your story is too long but  I do think that you have been in this kind of relationship for too long. I'm not going to pretend that I know, expertly, issues on marital dischord combined with domestic violence and alcoholic spouse. But I can enlighten you a little bit about alcoholics.

Very briefly, I am an alcoholic. I've been clean and sober for over three years. Yup, that it, just three years. I drank 2 times but it lasted over 34 years. I thought I knew everything about drinking until I got busted 2 times for drinking & driving within an 18 month period at age of 52 and 53.  So, I had to get re-educated about drinking but this time in a sober state.

I took down some notes as I was reading your post. This helps me to get to know you a little better. First, the bad stuff. He's mentally abusive toward you when he's drunk. Last few years he's been "physical" with you. Called the police one time but you got back together? Promises, Promises, Promises--can't forget those promises that he keeps forgetting. You're depressed and worried that he'll come home drunk? You had to give up your job because he would not watch the kids? He manipulated you into believing that your were the problem and not his drinking. You would have made him leave but afraid you'd not be able to support your kids? He tells you he loves you 100x a day but he continues to hurt you? This last statement that you share REALLY, REALLY SCARES ME: he says, "We'll be together forever"!!!!

Now for the good news: Your alcoholic dad is helping you deal with your alcoholic husband.You love this man with all your heart (if you want to call that good news). You're enrolled in college. Was seeing your Pastor. You know in your heart that YOU are not the problem. Did I miss anything??

You say you are very confused and unsure on which direction to take this. Talk more with your dad about general characteristics of alcoholics. What is he doing for you now?  Your husband is in TOTAL DENIAL about his drinking. The guy is beating you up mentally, emotionally and physically. HE'S BEATING UP ON YOU!! Your kids....they're getting beat up on, not just by their father but also by you. I don't thing that at anytime soon your husband is going to wake up one morning and say, "Gee, I've got a drinking problem and I better get some help". Don't count your blessing, good lady that you are. Something very, very drastic needs to occur before your husband sees the grim reality of what he is doing to himself, first, and than what he and his drinking is doing to his family. I'm sure their are other people who are also concerned.

Here's the reality check for you, lady. You are going to have to step up to the plate. Sorry, but that is your reality check. You are not doing this just to salvage your well-being but also that of your children's welfare. I'm telling you, HE IS NOT GOING TO CHANGE. Your husband needs help, pronto. You need help, like yesterday.

I urge you to check into Al-anon. It can help. Not for him but for you.

Good Luck.  Peace