Replies to 'How Porn Has Hurt Our Relationship'

I am new to this particular forum, though I post on other of Dr. Phil's boards. I've read for some time now with great interest the debate seemed to get going back and forth. I refrained from posting b/c frankly, I just didn't have the emotional energy to engage in a written "tit for tat" with a man desperate to prove his point and alter someone else's. It would seem that some people just don't get it. These days, if you're anti-porn, you're called "insecure" and "behind the times". I assure you it is because I HAVE self esteem that I'm anti-porn. These men are deluding themselves about what they're actually witnessing. It's all an ACT. It's PRETEND. And maybe that's just what they want...pretend sex. I have been through the whole porn thing with my ex...whom I was married to for over 20 years. I understand the pain of being lied to...and substitued. Porn IS a substitute...and if they don't think so, they're in denial about the whole thing. What better way for a man (or woman) to come home from a long hard day, and that night have a wonderfully emotional loving experience with the woman he professes to love? Then there are the times when it's time to "heat things up" a little. But we don't have to turn ourselves into porn stars to do so. I would think that the men who prefer (or need) porn have checked out emotionally from the relationship. They want it hot...they want it steamy...they want what they see. And yet they'd complain b/c their women are less than accommodating. Why should we be? We want them to be with US...no interference from an outside source. For many men, it becomes a full-blown addiction. I can't tell you the marriages I've seen to break up over just this sort of thing. You add the lies and deceit..and the hurt it causes. The lack of trust. How are you supposed to maintain a healthy loving relationship with those feelings involved? I don't think these message boards are the place for such a man. He needs outside intervention. He's not going to "get" what a woman who is against it is talking about, b/c he doesn't WANT to. I think men like that really don't *like* women underneath it all..and there's a lack of respect as well. One poster acted like it was all one sided...always for the woman...nothing for the man. I wanted to pose a hypothetical situation to him...but I didn't get the chance. If he were the jealous sort, and his wife loved innocent, harmless flirting...yet it caused him considerable pain, isn't that along the same lines? HE would be asking her to stop doing something that *she* loved to do. Because it caused him PAIN. I just don't think these men understand the true amount of pain that this causes to the women. It has NOTHING to do with esteem issues.

My marriage didn't break up b/c of porn...but it did break up. I'm not with a man who does not look at porn. I know...some men would say "sure, he doesn't". But he doesn't. He helped me to understand the emotional side of the sexual relationship..and the difference when heating things up is called for. He truly "gets" it. For that, I am lucky. For those of you still suffering through this with your husbands/SO's, I hope that you will realize that is NOT about you. No matter what someone would try to make you think it is...b/c you don't initiate sex often enough, dress in naughty nighties, etc. These men are just depersonalizing a very personal act. And the women involved in it.

I apologize for the lengthy post. I've waited too long to express my thoughts on this, I suppose. And to Darcy..I remember the chastising you took for using italics for quoting someone. The poster had not only grammatical, but spelling errors as well. Methinks he thinks just a little TOO highly of himself. I too, wouldn't want to be his wife. I don't think he could handle it.

I am new to this particular forum, though I post on other of Dr. Phil's boards. I've read for some time now with great interest the debate seemed to get going back and forth. I refrained from posting b/c frankly, I just didn't have the emotional energy to engage in a written "tit for tat" with a man desperate to prove his point and alter someone else's. It would seem that some people just don't get it. These days, if you're anti-porn, you're called "insecure" and "behind the times". I assure you it is because I HAVE self esteem that I'm anti-porn. These men are deluding themselves about what they're actually witnessing. It's all an ACT. It's PRETEND. And maybe that's just what they want...pretend sex. I have been through the whole porn thing with my ex...whom I was married to for over 20 years. I understand the pain of being lied to...and substitued. Porn IS a substitute...and if they don't think so, they're in denial about the whole thing. What better way for a man (or woman) to come home from a long hard day, and that night have a wonderfully emotional loving experience with the woman he professes to love? Then there are the times when it's time to "heat things up" a little. But we don't have to turn ourselves into porn stars to do so. I would think that the men who prefer (or need) porn have checked out emotionally from the relationship. They want it hot...they want it steamy...they want what they see. And yet they'd complain b/c their women are less than accommodating. Why should we be? We want them to be with US...no interference from an outside source. For many men, it becomes a full-blown addiction. I can't tell you the marriages I've seen to break up over just this sort of thing. You add the lies and deceit..and the hurt it causes. The lack of trust. How are you supposed to maintain a healthy loving relationship with those feelings involved? I don't think these message boards are the place for such a man. He needs outside intervention. He's not going to "get" what a woman who is against it is talking about, b/c he doesn't WANT to. I think men like that really don't *like* women underneath it all..and there's a lack of respect as well. One poster acted like it was all one sided...always for the woman...nothing for the man. I wanted to pose a hypothetical situation to him...but I didn't get the chance. If he were the jealous sort, and his wife loved innocent, harmless flirting...yet it caused him considerable pain, isn't that along the same lines? HE would be asking her to stop doing something that *she* loved to do. Because it caused him PAIN. I just don't think these men understand the true amount of pain that this causes to the women. It has NOTHING to do with esteem issues.

My marriage didn't break up b/c of porn...but it did break up. I'm not with a man who does not look at porn. I know...some men would say "sure, he doesn't". But he doesn't. He helped me to understand the emotional side of the sexual relationship..and the difference when heating things up is called for. He truly "gets" it. For that, I am lucky. For those of you still suffering through this with your husbands/SO's, I hope that you will realize that is NOT about you. No matter what someone would try to make you think it is...b/c you don't initiate sex often enough, dress in naughty nighties, etc. These men are just depersonalizing a very personal act. And the women involved in it.

I apologize for the lengthy post. I've waited too long to express my thoughts on this, I suppose. And to Darcy..I remember the chastising you took for using italics for quoting someone. The poster had not only grammatical, but spelling errors as well. Methinks he thinks just a little TOO highly of himself. I too, wouldn't want to be his wife. I don't think he could handle it.

I am new to this particular forum, though I post on other of Dr. Phil's boards. I've read for some time now with great interest the debate seemed to get going back and forth. I refrained from posting b/c frankly, I just didn't have the emotional energy to engage in a written "tit for tat" with a man desperate to prove his point and alter someone else's. It would seem that some people just don't get it. These days, if you're anti-porn, you're called "insecure" and "behind the times". I assure you it is because I HAVE self esteem that I'm anti-porn. These men are deluding themselves about what they're actually witnessing. It's all an ACT. It's PRETEND. And maybe that's just what they want...pretend sex. I have been through the whole porn thing with my ex...whom I was married to for over 20 years. I understand the pain of being lied to...and substitued. Porn IS a substitute...and if they don't think so, they're in denial about the whole thing. What better way for a man (or woman) to come home from a long hard day, and that night have a wonderfully emotional loving experience with the woman he professes to love? Then there are the times when it's time to "heat things up" a little. But we don't have to turn ourselves into porn stars to do so. I would think that the men who prefer (or need) porn have checked out emotionally from the relationship. They want it hot...they want it steamy...they want what they see. And yet they'd complain b/c their women are less than accommodating. Why should we be? We want them to be with US...no interference from an outside source. For many men, it becomes a full-blown addiction. I can't tell you the marriages I've seen to break up over just this sort of thing. You add the lies and deceit..and the hurt it causes. The lack of trust. How are you supposed to maintain a healthy loving relationship with those feelings involved? I don't think these message boards are the place for such a man. He needs outside intervention. He's not going to "get" what a woman who is against it is talking about, b/c he doesn't WANT to. I think men like that really don't *like* women underneath it all..and there's a lack of respect as well. One poster acted like it was all one sided...always for the woman...nothing for the man. I wanted to pose a hypothetical situation to him...but I didn't get the chance. If he were the jealous sort, and his wife loved innocent, harmless flirting...yet it caused him considerable pain, isn't that along the same lines? HE would be asking her to stop doing something that *she* loved to do. Because it caused him PAIN. I just don't think these men understand the true amount of pain that this causes to the women. It has NOTHING to do with esteem issues.

My marriage didn't break up b/c of porn...but it did break up. I'm not with a man who does not look at porn. I know...some men would say "sure, he doesn't". But he doesn't. He helped me to understand the emotional side of the sexual relationship..and the difference when heating things up is called for. He truly "gets" it. For that, I am lucky. For those of you still suffering through this with your husbands/SO's, I hope that you will realize that is NOT about you. No matter what someone would try to make you think it is...b/c you don't initiate sex often enough, dress in naughty nighties, etc. These men are just depersonalizing a very personal act. And the women involved in it.

I apologize for the lengthy post. I've waited too long to express my thoughts on this, I suppose. And to Darcy..I remember the chastising you took for using italics for quoting someone. The poster had not only grammatical, but spelling errors as well. Methinks he thinks just a little TOO highly of himself. I too, wouldn't want to be his wife. I don't think he could handle it.