Replies to 'How Porn Has Hurt Our Relationship'

It is a new day and with it more opportunities to do what is right and in accordance to our self worth and success in this life. I am still a little surprised that this new board was created and even though the older board definately was wonderful most times, the morals between some of us were just way too different in this area of porn. I am greatful that we have a place now where those that are emotionally dragged down can find support and a helping hand.

I don't think we need to know why a person chooses to use porn but we need to know why and how they can continue it after they are made aware that it is damaging their marriages, families. In a loving and supportive relationship, each person should feel safe and connected to one another and even though it is human nature to lie to one anothe about some things, when it comes to intimacy (into-me-see) and it is not respected and valued, that relationship becomes damaged.

I honestly feel that sometimes we have to do things that we do not like to do in order to keep the peace and show respect and honor towards this person that is our partner. It does not mean we do things that are bad for our health, emotional or physical, but that we find compassion in loving them enough to try to understand why they do what they do, despite the consequences. It means going to a party that you don't want to go to; going to a hospital to visit and ailing parent; picking up their children at the bus stop when you would rather be at the gym; making a cup of coffee when you would rather stay in bed.

It does not mean standing by when they blame you for their lustful ways or their insatible sexual needs or addictions to porn or the zillion excuses for the reasons they abuse their sexuality and then expect us to stand by and tolerate being abused. Abuse comes in many different forms, some of it is so subtle that it creeps up on you and one day "BAM"!!!!! sometimes it is blatently obvious you run so fast you leave smoke trails! But abuse is abuse.

My theory is simple: if something is hurting you, look at what it is that that hurt feels like. Where does it hurt (in the heart, stomach, head?) find the source of the discomfort then do some homework and see what role it is we have in this feeling. Sometimes it is a old wound still healing. We are only responsible for our actions not that of others but we certainly do not need to stand by and allow someones actions to offend and disrespect us. We can move towards an understanding of why but understanding why is only the beginning. Sometimes we need to walk away from the abuse, whether it is intentional or not. Abuse is abuse.