Replies to 'How Porn Has Hurt Our Relationship'

I think what gets me is how trust takes a dump when you find your SO has been doing things behind your back. My kids dad (I *still* can't refer to him as my husband, ex...though technically I'm his widow) went through great pains to hide his porn use. Once I found the magazines underneath the carpet in the trunk of the car. I went to visit my sister out of state, and came home. Imagine my surprise when my 9yo son gets on the computer, and says "mama, what's 'bushy c#nts.com'?" I'm sure I wasn't out of the driveway before he turned the computer on. I sent him from the room, and checked it out. Then the ensuing argument over being lied to and misled AGAIN. I always wondered if he was lying about that, what else was he lying about? I know this isn't the case will all husbands, but *mine* was lying about plenty. My self esteem took a dump. I wondered every time he left the house what he was up to.

This kind of thing just HURTS. I was married to him for over 20 years. It took me a very long time to recover from being married to him. I was left a wreck. Made it hard for me to trust anyone again. I got so sick of being told "it's normal..ALL men look at porn, and if they say they don't..they're lying". It wasn't true, of course. Believe it or not, when I resumed my social life after 3 years of getting myself back in order, someone's porn use was a HUGE deal for me. If I met someone who engaged in that sort of behavior...they were out. OUT. I didn't even *consider* even dating them. And I found that not ALL men do look at porn. There are plenty out there who are only too happy to be with the woman they're with...and don't want to emotionally "check out" from the sexual side of the relationship.

This left a huge scar on me. And I'm not sure I'll *ever* understand why a man feels the need to look at the stuff. I'm beginning to wonder if it's a character flaw in otherwise very good men.