Replies to 'How Porn Has Hurt Our Relationship'

Glad to hear you had a good, peaceful day today.  It is also positive that your fiance has admitted porn has become an addiction for him.  Less positive is he doesn't seem (from what you have written here) to have a willing spirit to address his problem.  I'm not sure there is anything you can do to create that spirit within him.  I can tell you that as soon as I found out my husband had betrayed my trust he felt horrible and showed an absolute willingness to give it up and prove to me in every way that he had.  We weren't dealing with addiction though, so I am not quite sure what advice to offer you here.  You can throw out all the porn you find and password protect the computer, but if he doesn't really want to get real and address his addiction then he will feed it and there is nothing you can do about it - you cannot watch over him 24/7.  If he doesn't really want to get healthy Sonia, he isn't going to.  All the love and support you can offer won't change that.  I wish it could.  I hate even saying that to you, because I don't wish to make you even sadder or more upset than you are.  My take though, from what you have written, is that he is so caught up in his fantasy world that he has become numb to you and the pain he is causing you, and by extension, your daughter.  I believe he tunes you out when you try to speak of your anguish because if he truly listened and took it in, he would be overwhelmed at how much damage he is doing to the 2 people he loves most.  Part of him must know this.

What else can you do?  Just as the other young lady with a daughter was advised today - your fiance needs to get professional help, as he admits he feels he has an addiction.  He may or may not, that needs to be assessed.  Probably finances are a problem right now, as you state both of you are out of work.  Read over the posts today - there were several resources mentioned for getting some free counseling - look into them.  Ask him if he is willing to avail himself of help, if you find some.  Definitely look into SAA and COSA (as Darcy mentioned to someone else) for both of you.  That is free online advice and support for what y'all are dealing with.  If he is averse to getting help then you will have a very important decision to make Sonia.  Either you are going to be accepting that porn will always be part of your relationship or you will tell him you are setting a boundary of NO porn (if that is even your choice - if there is a small level of porn you are okay with, then tell him that, but be careful with that - if he is indeed an addict, my understanding is that it will eventually escalate back up to the current level, no matter what he promises).  Anyway, this isn't about an ultimatum.  This is letting someone know what you finally will and will not accept as part of your relationship.  If he chooses not to honor that boundary, then you will have to decide what the consequence will be.  That may or may not mean leaving him.  That would be a huge change to make, and I hope it never comes to that. 

So again, do all you can to get him to accept some professional help.  Keep posting here and also check into COSA for some specific support for co-dependency.  If you have family/friends you can lean on, do so.  In any case, if it comes to the worst case scenario and you decide you have to leave him unless and until he gets help, I hope you will make sure to let him know your leaving isn't out of anger or bitterness, but rather a choice you are making for yourself and your daughter. 

I really feel for you Sonia.  Post here as often as you feel the need, whether it is to vent or ask questions or share good news (hope that will happen).  I haven't gone through exactly what you are, but I know what it is to be hurt by your SO sneaking around to look at porn.  I do want to give you some hope - when I initially found out my husband had betrayed a promise he made before we married, I was ready to leave and take the kids.  I hate that I made that threat, but am so glad I never followed through.  With alot of work by BOTH of us, we have an even stronger and closer marriage now than we did before.  It is possible.  Take care and hope to hear from you more, Roxy