Replies to '01/11 In Search Of …'

I made mistakes.  I was young, dumb and full of ....  I know that now.  But I thought we had gotten through all of those stumbling blocks the both of us had.  But she has chosen to feel abandoned when I am right here and she knows where I am.  She didn't even send me a Christmas card.  I would have sent one to her and the girls but she has moved and I don't know her new address or phone number.  All I have is the office number.  I sent mail there and she sends it right back to me.  I email her and she doesn't email me back.  She hates me.  She considers my sister who died at 49 years old of breast cancer to be her mother.  So she states that now her mother is dead.  When I am right here.  I miss my granddaughters something fierce.  I have just gotten off of a two week crying jag.  I just couldn't stop.  Even in the doctor's office, I couldn't stop crying.  I guess it worked itself out because the crying has stopped.  I did have to get stronger medication and different medication.  I have had four surgeries this year to fix my knees and ankles.  I still have to go through another ankle surgery because the first one didn't take correctly.  It looks like it is broken, I swear to God.  Funny looking thing. 

Just wish Amanda and I could forge some new ground for a new and better relationship.  I am not going to live forever...we are not promised one more day or night.  I wish with all my heart to have my daughter and granddaughters back in my life.  Even if for one more day.  Hopefully more but that one more day would be worth a million dollars in my book.

There has been so much loss in my family lately.  It is dwindling down to hardly no one.  I just wish she could see that too.

Amanda was class valedictorian, she put herself through technical college and graduated from Carolina at Chapel Hill, all this with having two children and a job.  She is so smart.  And that is the way I raised her.  But now she thinks she is too smart for me.  I thought once she became a mother, she would at least have some understanding of the reason I did the things I did.  But that didn't happen.  She just saw me as someone weak who not couldn't do better but wouldn't do better.  But that is not true either.  It is just so frusterating.  But I am going forward....that is the only way to do.