Replies to 'Balancing Marriage and Family'

I think you have a right to your anger.

I also think that neither you nor your hubby should do anything until you have calmed down.

It sounds as though you feel your partner is not making his own children a priority.  From where I'm sitting (here looking at the pictures of my kids on my desk) if my partner can't do that, then he is NO partner to me.

There are some lines that MUST be drawn DEEP in the sand.

If you have a partner who is unwilling or uncapable of being a TRUE partner, then you have NO marriage.

I also suggest that you re-read your insurance policy because many policy will NOT pay if it's a suicide.  Oh, and the next time he threatens to kill himself (emotional BLACKMAIL), tell him that you will call the police because you take threats SERIOUSLY.  When my Ex did that, he had to do some FAST talking to keep his counselor from COMMITTING him to the psych ward.

Q

You have every right to feel the way you do. And with that, don't let him manipulate you into staying. If he uses the excuse about killing himself then inform him that the insurance won't pay if it is suicide so therefore not only would he be adding more grief to yours and your children's life, you would still have your money situation. I noticed that you said something about his "military gear." The military offers all kinds of programs where you can get counseling for free. They even have financial counseling. If he refuses to go then at least you can walk away knowing you did everything you could to save your marriage. I don't know what branch of the military you are but if you will get in contact with your post inspector general (IG) then they can tell you who you need to get in contact with to set up the counseling. It is worth a shot. Good luck to you and take care. 

Run, do not walk, to the nearest Family Court to get an order of child support.  Then speak to his commanding officer about whether the army can handle his pay so that the welfare of you and the kids are protected.

We are not talking about extravagance.  He left you without money to FEED YOUR BABY!!  And, then he got mad at  you for taking some cash so your baby could be nourished?  Your H is not in touch with reality.  There is no bill, no debt that should be paid before you put food in your child's mouth.  Do you realize that not providing your baby with food is, at best, neglect and, at worse, child abuse?  You could be facing the child protective authorities who've come to place your baby in foster care if your H sucessfully protects his cash instead of his child!

You need to get into therapy to work out what is going on in your marriage.  If you leave  just to make him realize he has a great family, you may be the one who comes to a realization, not him.  You may realize that he doesn't care.

All of the options you're considering have to do with the nature of the reaction you'll get from your H.  Excuse me, but that's a-backwards.  You don't leave to get a reaction out of him & you don't stay to "see if things will get better."  You figure out what you want and need and you make your greatest effort to find out if he's the man who is willing to work with you to make a good life.

He doesn't want to talk with you, or spend timewith the family, or sleep with you?  Honey, that ain't a marriage, that's a dungeon.  Can you save it, as you love him?  Maybe, but not by being the passive doormat you describe.

First- take care of your children's needs.  They must not be left vulnerable and unprotected.  You're their mother.  It's your job to protect them.  It's your H's job too, but if he's falling down on the job you are still responsible.

Secondly- you must take care of yourself, which means either making this marriage better or accepting that it's going nowhere and it's time to make a real, but different life for yourself & your kids.  To accomplish this second task, you have to convince H of how serious you are when you say that you're either in marriage counseling with him or you're not in this marriage at all. 

As for him killing himself if you go - that sounds like a controlling, manipulative tactic.  If he kills himself it's because of some very deep-seated personal problems that you didn't cause.  You can't be held hostage to a suicide threat.

Don't you see that he's really threatening you with homicide?  You're not living life.  You're in hell.  Now, even your baby is being exposed to harm.  You have got to do something now.