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Replies to '01/19 Young Moms Ask the Experts'
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January 16, 2007, 4:31 pm PST
 Quote From: teigan I have been married for almost 6 years but my husband and I are having a problem. I did one of dr. phil's relastionship tests and my result was "EMOTIONAL DIVORCE" which I would say is right. I have tried so many things, I've taken advice from friends and family and have tried doing the stuff in dr phil's books but nothing seems to be working and I really need to talk to someone. As I said my husband and I have been married for almost 6 years but we've been together for 12. The problem I think we are having is if something I have done bothers him he will not say anything or try and discuss it but instead he will sulk. He will not speak to me at all (this can go on from 2 weeks to much longer, at the moment the record is 12 weeks) If I ask him what's wrong he becomes more cold towards me. He becomes rude, abrupt has no repesct for me , puts me down when people are around especially his family and all of this happens in front of our 5 year old son. everytime this happens when he does finally decide he wants to talk he tells me what's his problem the last time it was I need to be more organised, coz he hated coming from work to hear our son nag or cry he was hungry because the food wasn't ready. Ever since that discussion he has never come home (not even once) to find that happen coz I have changed for him and our family and make sure the food is cooked before i pick our son up from school. And everytime we have a discussion whatever problem he has with me hardly ever comes up because I do my best to change my bad habits to make him and my son happy, but every single time I ask him to come straight to me if he has a problem because I can not handle the silent treatment from him and I don't think my son deserves to live in those conditions as I am afraid he will become that way when he grows up and I am afraid he will disrespect me and women in general because I know my son love me but I also know he tries to plaese his father because he doesn't get the attention he should from him. How can I get through to my husband I see the same thing with his parents and just can't stand to think that, that is our life toghether. I just need someone to talk to or if you've been the same situation and can offer some help then please reply my message. I know how it feels to be ignored and to have your husband sulk rather than just say what's on his mind. I am glad to say that our marriage is way better than it used to be. There was a time when I seriously considered divorce. I am glad that I stuck it out and quit trying to change my husband. I started changing me instead. It wasn't easy and things got worse before they got better. Having a fulfilling marriage is not for the faint hearted. It takes a lot of work and it is painful at times but the rewards are worth the effort if you hang in there and make a commitment to becoming a better person yourself. You have to learn to swallow your pride.
As far as worrying about the impact on your son, I think our overreacting to what's going on can be far worse than what is actually happening at times. Kids are pretty smart. As they get older they see what's going on. Your job is to be a good example for your son regardless of what your husband does. I know that is easier said than done, but it can be done. One of the biggest things I had to learn to do was emotionally separate myself from my husband. When I say that, I don't mean I stopped loving him. I just quit letting him determine my worth and value and whether I would have a good day or not. My happiness would no longer be dependent on him. I learned to not take his short comings personal. He's just a fallible man as all people are.
It is never easy when your husband is being rude and inconsiderate but the truth is that is not a reflection on you as a person. It shows a lack of character on his part, and vice versa. Sometimes we aren't exactly being the noblest of wives in the world. That's our fault; not theirs. Sometimes we just have to be patient and hope for the best. Pray a lot and let God change them in His sweet time. In the meantime we can enjoy our own relationship with God and let Him do His beautiful transformig work in our lives. Perhaps it will inspire our husbands to postive change when they see us becoming a better wife, mother and friend. I wish you well and would love to talk further if I can be of help.
Proverbs 14:1 The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down. |
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January 21, 2007, 9:36 pm PST
Quote From: teigan I have been married for almost 6 years but my husband and I are having a problem. I did one of dr. phil's relastionship tests and my result was "EMOTIONAL DIVORCE" which I would say is right. I have tried so many things, I've taken advice from friends and family and have tried doing the stuff in dr phil's books but nothing seems to be working and I really need to talk to someone. As I said my husband and I have been married for almost 6 years but we've been together for 12. The problem I think we are having is if something I have done bothers him he will not say anything or try and discuss it but instead he will sulk. He will not speak to me at all (this can go on from 2 weeks to much longer, at the moment the record is 12 weeks) If I ask him what's wrong he becomes more cold towards me. He becomes rude, abrupt has no repesct for me , puts me down when people are around especially his family and all of this happens in front of our 5 year old son. everytime this happens when he does finally decide he wants to talk he tells me what's his problem the last time it was I need to be more organised, coz he hated coming from work to hear our son nag or cry he was hungry because the food wasn't ready. Ever since that discussion he has never come home (not even once) to find that happen coz I have changed for him and our family and make sure the food is cooked before i pick our son up from school. And everytime we have a discussion whatever problem he has with me hardly ever comes up because I do my best to change my bad habits to make him and my son happy, but every single time I ask him to come straight to me if he has a problem because I can not handle the silent treatment from him and I don't think my son deserves to live in those conditions as I am afraid he will become that way when he grows up and I am afraid he will disrespect me and women in general because I know my son love me but I also know he tries to plaese his father because he doesn't get the attention he should from him. How can I get through to my husband I see the same thing with his parents and just can't stand to think that, that is our life toghether. I just need someone to talk to or if you've been the same situation and can offer some help then please reply my message. my bf does the same thing!!! and it almost always turns out to either be something trivial or sometimes have nothing to do with me at all! we have been together for 3 yrs and i have a 4yr old from a previous relationship and we have a 1 yr old together. i was wondering, does he tell you he loves you? i ask because my bf has very rarely said those three little words and i always thought it had to do with his emotional detachment all together. all i can say is advice that others have given me and it seems to be working some; if you really want to stay together then that's your choice (as long as he's not abusive) and you should find something that makes you happy without him. if he's ignoring you, then just let it go instead of always bugging him about it. it seems like the more you bug them the more they enjoy it cuz it's like a power thing. for some reason when i didn't make a big deal about my bf not talking to me, then after awhile he just came to me and told me what was on his mind. it's probably not the best advice and it might not work for you, but i do hope that things get better no matter what you decide. it's hard as women to be involved with men that are emotionally distant. good luck !!! |
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February 3, 2007, 6:45 am PST
Quote From: teigan I have been married for almost 6 years but my husband and I are having a problem. I did one of dr. phil's relastionship tests and my result was "EMOTIONAL DIVORCE" which I would say is right. I have tried so many things, I've taken advice from friends and family and have tried doing the stuff in dr phil's books but nothing seems to be working and I really need to talk to someone. As I said my husband and I have been married for almost 6 years but we've been together for 12. The problem I think we are having is if something I have done bothers him he will not say anything or try and discuss it but instead he will sulk. He will not speak to me at all (this can go on from 2 weeks to much longer, at the moment the record is 12 weeks) If I ask him what's wrong he becomes more cold towards me. He becomes rude, abrupt has no repesct for me , puts me down when people are around especially his family and all of this happens in front of our 5 year old son. everytime this happens when he does finally decide he wants to talk he tells me what's his problem the last time it was I need to be more organised, coz he hated coming from work to hear our son nag or cry he was hungry because the food wasn't ready. Ever since that discussion he has never come home (not even once) to find that happen coz I have changed for him and our family and make sure the food is cooked before i pick our son up from school. And everytime we have a discussion whatever problem he has with me hardly ever comes up because I do my best to change my bad habits to make him and my son happy, but every single time I ask him to come straight to me if he has a problem because I can not handle the silent treatment from him and I don't think my son deserves to live in those conditions as I am afraid he will become that way when he grows up and I am afraid he will disrespect me and women in general because I know my son love me but I also know he tries to plaese his father because he doesn't get the attention he should from him. How can I get through to my husband I see the same thing with his parents and just can't stand to think that, that is our life toghether. I just need someone to talk to or if you've been the same situation and can offer some help then please reply my message. Obviously the two ladies who didn't like my advice missed what I was saying. In the event that I did a poor job explaining myself I wanted to clarify a little better. I certainly don't want you to think that you should be a doormat. That WOULD be terrible advice.
What I gather from what you wrote is that you have a lot of insecurity. Your emotional well being is too tied up in how your husband and son treat you. The reality is that even good husbands sometimes mistreat their wives. All children will test the boundaries of respect with their parents. If your goal is to make your husband, son and anyone else respect you and treat you well, you are in for a lot of disillusionment. In fact the more we try to get others to treat us well the less they respect us. We tend to become clingy, needy, and demanding. They sense that and dispise it.
Your primary goal in life shouldn't be trying to please your husband or son. That obviously isn't working anyway. That doesn't mean you should become selfish and live to please yourself either. Our primary purpose in life is to please God. When you see how valuable you are to HIM, you will have a good healthy dose of self-respect without being arrogant. You will not be as rattled when you are mistreated by others. Instead of saying to yourself, "I can't handle it when my husband refuses to speak to me," or "I won't be able to handle it if my son disrespects me," you can say "I don't like it when my husband refuses to speak to me" and "I don't like it when my son disrespects me," but I know Jesus loves me. You will then be able to go on with your life with some peace in spite of your husband or anyone else's mistreatment of you. This may also even help to bring your husband out of his pouting though this isn't your primary goal. When he sees that you are no longer dependant on his good behaviour to be happy, he is likely to start treating you with a little more respect. In any case you will be better emotionally equipped to handle the situation.
Right now you guys are locked into a power struggle. Don't let him have power over you anymore. |
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