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January 18, 2007, 6:05 pm PST
01/17 Gender Identity Crisis
Quote From: keeshablueeyesI'M SAD THAT I CAN'T HAVE MY SURGERY BECAUSE IT COSTS SO MUCH AND BECAUSE OF MY HEALTH. I HAVE HEART DISEASE AND ALSO AIDS. THEY TOLD ME YEARS AGO BACK IN 1985 THAT I WOULD ONLY BE AROUND FOR THE MOST PART 2 YEARS. WHENEVER I TAKE MY SHOWER AND LOOK DOWN ON WHATS NOT SUPPOSED TO BE THERE AND TRY TO FANTASIZE ABOUT WHAT SHOULD BE THEY I'M OK. I JUST CONTINUE GOING THROUGH DAY BY DAY AS A WOMAN. I CONSIDER MY SELF A STRAIGHT FEMALE INSIDE A GAY MALE BODY. THATS MY STORY. I have a close friend who was also diagnosed with AIDS and then later, in the nineties, given maximum 5 years for heart disease. He outlived all that, but did eventually die form undiagnosed cancer that no one noticed because he already had so much pain from hip and back surgeries. I'm so glad people are living with AIDS now. I wish it had been so sooner, because I lost a lot of dear friends from it. One of them might be alive today if he hadn't thought he was going to die anyway and been very wreckless. Soon after, the drugs improved. Live as if you have a future. We all have imperfect bodies and histories that we have to drag around, but what counts is what is inside and having courage to live well regardless of obstacles in our way.
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