Replies to 'Coping with STDs'

Actually condoms do not prevent std's 100% - especially not hpv or herpes.  Also many people have unprotected oral sex which can lead to hsv1 infection genitally. It's not as simple as if folks would just wear a condom this wouldn't happen and they'd be "safe".  Condoms also work best if applied as soon as the clothes come off - not just waiting until actual penetration which is how most folks use them.  Even so a condom only covers one specific part of the genital area - that leaves a lot of exposed genital area to get infected. 

And yes it is just as much about luck as anything when it comes to contracting herpes. You can be with a partner 20 years and not contract hsv1 or hsv2 either orally or genitally and then one day - your body is busy trying to ward off the virus of the week going around the office ( you know the poops, pukes and cold viruses that we all pass around households and work places ) and your partner just happens to be shedding the virus actively that day - might not even have an actual obvious lesion either orally or genitally - and your body's defenses were just too low and ta da you have herpes - whether you notice obvious symptoms or not.  It has little to do with how promiscuous you are- it's usually just a matter of being in the right place at the wrong time. It's not that you aren't exposed to the virus before that - it's just that at that time things were right for the virus to infect you.   For some folks the combination is right so that the first time they ever receive oral sex or have genital sex they contract the virus - for others it's 10, 20 or more years.  You can even be married to the same partner for 20 years and have a very healthy  and monogamous sex life and ta da one partner transmits hsv1 to the genital area thru oral sex.  Herpes doesn't care - it just wants to keep on being transmitted so that it can survive.  You don't have to be a skank ho and you don't have to be cheating for herpes to be a part of a relationship. Also herpes is not a part of routine std testing in most clinics either ( as evidenced on a recent dr phil show where the gal was tested for everything but herpes ) so you can't just assume that your are being tested for it.  You have to ask your doctor specifically for it most times.

So about your sister - herpes is the least of her baggage when it comes to dating ( this goes for all of us ). She is far less likely to transmit it to a partner than she is to pass it on.  Studies have shown that the risk of transmitting to a partner is actually LOWER WITH SOMEONE WHO KNOWS THEY ARE INFECTED than it is with someone who doesn't know they have herpes.  Considering that it's also shown in study after study that over 90% of folks who have hsv2 have no idea until tested - it's actually safer to be with someone who knows they have herpes than to be with someone who just assumes that they don't have it.  A lack of obvious symptoms is not a lack of infection for either oral herpes or genital herpes.  On average in the US - 60% of adults have hsv1 orally. the older we get the more that number goes up - only about 10% of us make it to the old age home without hsv1 - it really is that common.  Only 20-40% of the folks who have hsv1 orally get obvious cold sores to know that they are infected.  25% of us have hsv2 in the US so that means that statistically 1 out of every 4 people you date has hsv2.  Once we hit 40 it's very hard to find a date that doesn't have at least 1 form of herpes simplex virus in their body - it's THAT common!!  Herpes is not what will keep her from finding a terrific partner who loves her and takes good care of her - it's not the deal breaker that many folks assume it to be.  Please be sure to encourage her to read the herpes handbook at www.westoverheights.com to learn more about herpes. It's also a terrific resource to recommend to potential partners for them to learn more about herpes and how to lower their risk too. There is also a terrific patient counseling video there on the same site to watch.  If she is having a hard time liking herself again because of this pesky lil virus - encourage her to check out www.ashastd.org to see if there are any local support groups for herpes in her area to attend.  Also there are many, many online support groups she can join . www.herpeshomepage.com is the one several of us who post here are part of - she'll meet good people over there while getting support. There is even a chat room that is active most evenings to stop in and ask questions at too :)

grace