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Replies to '01/19 Young Moms Ask the Experts'
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January 19, 2007, 3:12 pm PST
 Quote From: leah1991 I know how it feels to be ignored and to have your husband sulk rather than just say what's on his mind. I am glad to say that our marriage is way better than it used to be. There was a time when I seriously considered divorce. I am glad that I stuck it out and quit trying to change my husband. I started changing me instead. It wasn't easy and things got worse before they got better. Having a fulfilling marriage is not for the faint hearted. It takes a lot of work and it is painful at times but the rewards are worth the effort if you hang in there and make a commitment to becoming a better person yourself. You have to learn to swallow your pride.
As far as worrying about the impact on your son, I think our overreacting to what's going on can be far worse than what is actually happening at times. Kids are pretty smart. As they get older they see what's going on. Your job is to be a good example for your son regardless of what your husband does. I know that is easier said than done, but it can be done. One of the biggest things I had to learn to do was emotionally separate myself from my husband. When I say that, I don't mean I stopped loving him. I just quit letting him determine my worth and value and whether I would have a good day or not. My happiness would no longer be dependent on him. I learned to not take his short comings personal. He's just a fallible man as all people are.
It is never easy when your husband is being rude and inconsiderate but the truth is that is not a reflection on you as a person. It shows a lack of character on his part, and vice versa. Sometimes we aren't exactly being the noblest of wives in the world. That's our fault; not theirs. Sometimes we just have to be patient and hope for the best. Pray a lot and let God change them in His sweet time. In the meantime we can enjoy our own relationship with God and let Him do His beautiful transformig work in our lives. Perhaps it will inspire our husbands to postive change when they see us becoming a better wife, mother and friend. I wish you well and would love to talk further if I can be of help.
Proverbs 14:1 The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down. I think you have unrealistic advice. You basically say that the woman is entirely responisble for trying to pull her family together, and she should just hope for the best. Hope that her husband is loving and caring, hope that he isn't rude, hope that he improves his own character. Look at the proverb you provided, it basically says a house will get torn down from a foolish woman. What about a foolish man? So his sulking and cold behavior plays no role? He needs to stop nagging and step up to the plate and help her in the house, like with their whining child. And you are extremely wrong to think she is over-reacting to the influence this will have on her son. This is exactly why parents have no idea why their children have emotional problems, because they didn't realize that their own bad behaviors could affect their child's upbringing. This guy is insulting his wife in front of his family, even Dr. Phil would tell you that this will have a very serious effect on the child. As he would say, you are writing on the slate of the kind of person your child will become. |
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January 20, 2007, 12:26 am PST
Quote From: leah1991 I know how it feels to be ignored and to have your husband sulk rather than just say what's on his mind. I am glad to say that our marriage is way better than it used to be. There was a time when I seriously considered divorce. I am glad that I stuck it out and quit trying to change my husband. I started changing me instead. It wasn't easy and things got worse before they got better. Having a fulfilling marriage is not for the faint hearted. It takes a lot of work and it is painful at times but the rewards are worth the effort if you hang in there and make a commitment to becoming a better person yourself. You have to learn to swallow your pride.
As far as worrying about the impact on your son, I think our overreacting to what's going on can be far worse than what is actually happening at times. Kids are pretty smart. As they get older they see what's going on. Your job is to be a good example for your son regardless of what your husband does. I know that is easier said than done, but it can be done. One of the biggest things I had to learn to do was emotionally separate myself from my husband. When I say that, I don't mean I stopped loving him. I just quit letting him determine my worth and value and whether I would have a good day or not. My happiness would no longer be dependent on him. I learned to not take his short comings personal. He's just a fallible man as all people are.
It is never easy when your husband is being rude and inconsiderate but the truth is that is not a reflection on you as a person. It shows a lack of character on his part, and vice versa. Sometimes we aren't exactly being the noblest of wives in the world. That's our fault; not theirs. Sometimes we just have to be patient and hope for the best. Pray a lot and let God change them in His sweet time. In the meantime we can enjoy our own relationship with God and let Him do His beautiful transformig work in our lives. Perhaps it will inspire our husbands to postive change when they see us becoming a better wife, mother and friend. I wish you well and would love to talk further if I can be of help.
Proverbs 14:1 The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down. I usually just like to read the post to the message boards, but I just had to make a reply to this one. To me your response is truly amazing. Actually, it is quite funny to me. It makes me wonder if you are a guy pretending to be a woman, so you can support the distruptive things men do in their marriages. I am so tired of people trying to make women bend and twist to become someone they are not, or simply belittle themselves to please a man. I am glad you stuck it out through the troubles of your marriage, and that you are now a happy and healthy couple. I want to hit on a few key points - firsly you mentioned you quit trying to change your husband and changed yourself instead - good for you, but what is wrong with a man changing their bitter , nasty, selfish ways? and how exactly did you change? If you are not the one being rude, inconsiderate, manipulative etc etc then why should you change? I don't think pride has anything to do with being someone's doormat. Matter-of-fact, I think it is just the opposite, I think women should get some pride and a back bone and quit putting up with this mess we pass off as being OK for men. Another point I want to mention - you stated we are not being the noblest of wives in the world. I would say no one is perfect, however, what exactly do you mean? Are you speaking for yourself because you felt guilty about your actions in your marriage? If so, please make that clear, because it is not fair for you to sum it up for all of us. I too want to enjoy my relationship with God in all aspects of my life, and I also want to enjoy my relationship with my husband. As Dr. Phil always say, we teach people how to treat us.
Now, I don't want to give you the impression that I have not been through anything, so let me give you a quick run-down of my experiences and why I so stronly disagree with your advice. I am 35 year old mother of 3, and I have been married for 10 years. My husband is one of those people who turns a good side to the outside world but show a coompletely different side at home. We are both christians and have been for a long time. My husband has been a mean, selfish, cheating person for the entire time. I remember years ago I would go along with whatever he did because I thought that was my place as a christian woman. My husband did the same thing as the husband mentioned in the inital post. He would pick at everything I did and I would adjust, even though there was no adjustment to be made. He would get mad about the slightest thing and not speak to me for weeks on end. In the mist of all this he has had numerous affairs, too many to count. For our entire marriage I have spent too many nights crying and too many special days not being spoken too.
Well my dear, I have had enough. I recently found out about another affair this past summer and I am DONE. I have been a stay at home mom for the past 9 years, and I am heading back to work, taking my 3 kids and leaving his behind. Now that I have decided to do this he wants to change. I guess he figured I would always put up with it...that was until I put my foot down. This tells me he has always had the ability to do better but choose not to simply because it was working for him. WE TEACH PEOPLE HOW TO TREAT US. It seems to me as though the thought of paying child support and alimony would cause a person to come to their senses.
Oh yes...before I forget, I too have a couple bible verses for you.
Ephisians 5:25 - Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her
Ephisian 5:28 - In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself
Colossians 3:19 - Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them
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